Closing Chapters No. 2

A few weeks ago, I started with my first challenge: I threw away my little girl cloths.

On Monday, I closed a second chapter: I cleared my locker in my old gym, a place where I had spent 3-4 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week for months.

I had postponed this task again and again, always finding an excuse in order to not having to face that situation.

When I walked into my gym (accompanied by my husband), I had ambivalent feelings.

On the one hand, a part of me felt melancholic and yearned for the „good old times“ (although, those times weren’t good at all). This place felt like home to me for such a long time and it had become part of my identity. I have to admit that I was quite tempted to put on my gym cloths and go upstairs for just one final workout (as if this would have been it...).  Walking to my locker seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar voices, part of me felt lost and was mad that I had given up this place. I rush of memories and feelings came back to me, including the way I felt before my workouts and the way I felt afterwards.

 And it was here that the other, more rational part of me took over. Despite feeling happy, proud and strong after my workouts, I remembered the terror, the pressure and the burden I felt before my workouts. I remembered how I entered the locker room so many times, hardly able to walk, feeling dizzy and weak and not knowing how in the world I could make it through my workout. I thought of how much time I had wasted on the treadmill, on the elliptical on those bikes etc. I remembered almost crying, feeling like I was about to get sick because of the enormous task ahead of me. Why did I torment myself in this dimension?

I do not miss these side effects of my disorder and I hope that the healthy part of myself will kick in and take over more and more space of my brain, helping me find a balanced way of exercising.

On the way down in the elevator, my bag of workout cloths in hand, I felt a huge sense of relief; relief that I had finally been able to overcome my fears, relief that I had closed yet another door.

iPhone + Bubble Bath = ?

You'd think that the result of this equation was clear. 
There'd be drama, tears, a broken phone and no way of replacing it without paying a fortune. 


However, the equation ends differently when it comes to Apple products. 
Sure, there is still some drama involved, there may even be some tears, but then you'd add an appointment at the Apple store on the very same day, a very competent Apple genius and the world would look just as fantastic as it did before trying to solve that equation...

Aaaahhhh, don't you just LOVE Apple?!


P.S. Just because this equation worked once, I will make sure to never ever try to solve it again!!! 

A peculiar couple

Andreas and I had a MAJOR breakthrough on the weekend.

We COOKED TOGETHER... for the very first time.

You may ask yourself, why is this such a big deal and why did it take us this long?
To be quite frank, it is all my fault.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was even too self-conscious to empty the dishwasher when Andreas was in the kitchen.
Cooking with Andreas was not going to happen. The fear of being judged was just too strong. I was so scared of making a mistake.
After all, I have been told my whole life that I was doing everything wrong, that I was just too stupid to live and that I was just a girl.

Andreas always cooked for me, but I could not be in the kitchen, did not want to know what exactly was in the sauce that I was eating, how much cream he used or how much milk. I feared that I would eat less or that I would start counting calories again.
Even though Andreas cooked for me, he never ate with me. He, too, did not want to change his eating habits. This was of course a huge obstacle for me too. It was weird to eat alone, when he was just sitting there drinking his coffee. But I ate nontheless and we talked and had fantastic conversations. I am not sure why he decided to start eating with me, what the final push was, but I am thrilled that we can now both start working towards being a "normal" couple with "normal" eating habits.

We had talked about cooking together for quite some time, but only managed to do so on Saturday.
We prepared everything matched popatoes from scratch. And cooked liver, stewed onions and green pepper. It was super yummy and will be one of my favorite meals for all time.

desert... ;)

hmmmmmm

our attmept at eating civilized ended rather abruplty... but it was soooo goood.

“I have eaten so much,
Not a leaf more I’ll touch, meh! meh!”

I will share what we made on Sunday in an upcoming blog post. And I am sure that there will be tons of those cooking stories in the future. Let me know if you are interested in a "cooking section" and I will continue to take pictures of what we ate or even journalize the different steps of preparing the meal. 

Closing Chapters No. 1

Part of my healing process includes actively closing doors that could potentially lead to picking up old habits again.

On Easter I threw away three bags of cloths, some of them older than 10 years.

It was a difficult task. I did not cry, but was often on the verge of doing so. I felt like with each shirt, pair of jeans, sweater or skirt I gave up part of myself. I had the impression of throwing half my life away.

Every single piece of clothing was connected to at least one memory, one event, something that made it special to me and definitely worth keeping it.

At the same time - holding on to these cloths would be like leaving a backdoor for my eating disorder open. Why would I need cloths that I wore when I was eleven or twelve?

Thinking about it rationally, it is “sick” to still have the same size as I had 12 years ago.

But isn’t it peculiar – in a good way – that my taste in cloths did not really change in all those years?! You can definitely see my mom’s influence on me in that fact. My mom has a very classical, timeless look and it seems like I adopted that, well, at least in part. I hardly ever went with the trend and wore whatever I liked, instead of what was IN at that time.

My anorexic part of the brain is extremely proud of the fact that I still fit in jeans that I wore 12 years ago. When I look at a picture of myself in front of the MGM Grand in 2001 wearing pants that are way too big now (and I was tiny back then), I can’t help but be thrilled.

However, when I really think about it, I realize that this is a rather sad fact: while every other girl in my class went through puberty and changed into a young woman, I stood still and stayed the same. I did not give my body the chance to develop and do what it is meant to be. I did not allow myself to become a woman and instead just stayed a girl- on the inside and on the outside. I did not allow myself to grow up.

I now know that I did this to protect myself. Growing up means taking control of your life, making your own decisions, standing on your own feet.

But growing up would have meant to deal with my brother, to stand tall against him and to

I wasn’t strong enough at that time to fight him. I did not have the courage to look him in the eye and make it very clear where his boundaries lie. So, I turned all my attention to my weight and my body and I got obsessed with it. It gave me a reason to live, but at the same time it gave me a perfect excuse to just mark time.

But I have had enough. I have the strength now to confront my worst fears and to grow up. I want to be a woman, not a girl anymore. And throwing away most of the cloths that I wore as a child and teenager is a huge step in the right direction. 

What color does your day have?

I had the weirdest dream on Tuesday night, a dream that is too complicated, too confusing and too complex to describe. Let’s just say it was a combination of my trip to Africa, LOST, the plane in the Hudson river and my marriage…
This dream was so powerful that it still lingers on in my mind, it still affects the way I feel today.
It is interesting how a dream can determine the color of your day, the mood, your feelings, the way you go about things etc.

So, the color of my day on Tuesday was orange, a very bright African orange. I cannot really explain it, but this color was omnipresent in my mind. Do you know that “feeling”? Do dreams ever affect you in such an enormous way?
On Tuesday I felt like I could die from melancholy, and it still has not really worn off. I miss my sister more than usually, I think about our trip to Cameroon all the time and I am homesick for Yaoundé, Valeries little house there and the time we spent there.

I have since dreamed quite a lot (last night I dreamed of Mad Men), but none of these dreams has had the same effect on me. So, my color of the day still remains the same.
I hope that it will change soon though. After all, I want to experience all colors of the rainbow and not just one.

The Hangover Parts I, II & III

When I came to the clinic, I had not been taking antidepressants for almost a year.
After a week or two of my treatment, I was feeling so “down” that I agreed to start taking a light antidepressant again. At first, I felt like this was a step back; I had been so sure that I had left the chapter of antidepressants behind and admitting to myself that I needed help in form of medication was difficult. I did not see it as the perfect solution.
However, it didn’t take too long for me to view this as a step FORWARD, a step towards “functioning” again. After all, taking an antidepressant at the present doesn’t mean that I will have to take it forever. What it does mean is that I feel better NOW and that helps me to take the steps needed in order to feel better IN THE FUTURE.

Due to my lack of sleep in the past few weeks and the horrible nightmares that have tormented me, we decided to replace my antidepressant with one that I could take at night (instead of in the morning) in the hope of helping me get my much-needed sleep.
And, oh boy, does it work. I have been sleeping like a rock, catching up on all the weeks of tossing and turning, of falling asleep around 1 or 2 am and waking up around 4 am.

However, as most things in life, this too comes with its side effects. The so-called hangover effect gets to me the most. During the last three days, I have been feeling dizzy, the world seemed blurry, my head has always seemed heavy and I have been feeling slightly sick. Plus, I have been feeling even more melancholic than usually. All in all, I have not been myself. So, if this post is a bit random, blame it on the meds…
But, since it has only been three days, I am confidant that these side effects will fade away and that I will feel like myself again in a few days.
And THEN the advantages will easily outweigh the disadvantages!!! :)

Lost & Found

A year ago today I flew back home from LA after I watched the series finale with my fellow LOST friends at the Orpheum theater. I left the city of angels taking with me a multitude of memories, laughter, tears, melancholy, new found friends and a heart full with gratitude and bliss.

A year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen, how my life was about to change. I had no idea that only 5 days later I would write an email to a guy called Andreas. I had no idea that only 8 days later I would call this guy for the very first time, talking to him for hours and hours as if we’d known each other forever. I had no idea that only 10 days later I would travel to Zürich to meet Andreas for the very first time, that I would move in with him only 13 days later and that I would get engaged mere 16 days after this incredible event in LA.

And even though I had no idea what exactly was about to happen, I knew that a new phase, a new chapter of my life was about to begin.

I remember sitting on the plane alternately laughing and crying listening to the final episode of The Transmission over and over again.

At the beginning of the series LOST, I was more lost than each and every single one of our beloved characters. Looking at my current situation, it would appear that I am now just as lost as I was back then, but I will have to disagree.

I have been found in so many ways.

I have been found by my husband, by love, by a bit more confidence, by acceptance, by the courage to fight, by the strength to let go.

There is one thing I will never let go off, though. I will never let go of my friends. Not ever. LOST has changed my life (and I am sure that you have read this sentence so many times in connection with this series that you are getting sick of it; but, what can I say?!, it is the truth!) for ever and I will eternally be grateful for all the chances, all the changes, all the friendships, all the trips, all the hours and hours of podcasts, all the new dimensions, all the new universes, all the new experiences that LOST has given to me. LOST has taken me to Kentucky, to Raleigh, to NYC, to LA and to Hawai’i. LOST has opened the world of social media to me and with that, it has given me an idea of what I want to do in life.
And, in the end, LOST has paved the road for the marriage that I am now blessed with. 

Moving (again)

Disturbing the idyll

Yesterday morning, my feelings were so overwhelming that I made an issue of VOGUE suffer...

After that outburst of aggression, I broke down in tears and was sobbing in my husband's arms for what felt like an eternity. It felt good to let it all out. 

Nightmares

The last 3 nights were horrible. I hardly slept and when I fell asleep for an hour or tour, I woke terrified and  soaked in sweat. 

In one single therapy session last week, we talked about my brother, then my husband and I went to Germany last weekend because I had an appointment for a manicure and pedicure. 

We had a fantastic Saturday, spent it outside in the sun, then we had a barbecue (well, everybody but me; I just couldn't eat it) and had planned to watch the Eurovision song contest together (of course just to make fun of it...).

Well, I am sure that you can guess what happened. After about 5 minutes, my brother (who I had no idea that he was even there) came into the living room, sat down and took control of the remote control. The atmosphere in the room changed in a heartbeat. 

I was in shock, paralized, and it took me a few seconds to reigster what had just happened. My HUSBAND, my MOTHER were sitting there with Valerie and I. Who the f**k (sorry) does he think he IS??? He is almost 27 years old and he has NO RESPECT. NONE. 

Valerie was the first to get up and leave. When I snapped out of my state of shock, I followed her, shaking, in a daze and all I could do was hide in my room under my blanket. I know my reaction is EXTREMELY hard to grasp and I wish there was a way to put into words what I was feeling at that moment. 

I lay there, mortified, humiliated, angry, sad and scared. My husband must have held me for hours. The evening was ruined. I fell asleep after a while because of the magnitude of the emotions.

Why am I telling you this? 

Well, ever since that evening, I am having nightmares and daydreams of all the horrible things that my brother did to me. But not only that, I have these feelings of being helpless, alone, defenseless, trapped and abandoned. 

Remnants of a sleepless night.

I KNOW that none of these things are true as everything has changed, but I am haunted by these nightmares and feelings. 

As a result, I can hardly eat, most of the time I stay in bed and read or watch TV. 

I completely underestimated how traumatized I still am. 

What bothers me the most it that I cannot really participate in the A-Z podcasting class because it creates just too much stress at the moment. I have been looking forward to this seminar for such a long time and now I have failed again. 

Most people in my family are insinuating that I am just having a self-pity party, which does not only hurt but also makes me feel like I am even a bigger loser and I already am. 

I hope that those of you who read my blog, believe me when I tell you that I AM DOING MY VERY BEST, that I AM FIGHTING as hard as I can and that I AM NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP. 

I am just being very, very honest. 

Natasha Bedingfield performane at Jelmoli in Zürich

Natahsha Bedingfield performed a 20-minute gig in a luxury department store in Zürich to promote her new album "Strip Me Away". 

Andreas and I found out about it on Monday, by accident. 

Being the music fanatic that I am, I got excited immediately and Andreas agreed to go with me. 

I am soooooooo glad we went. Natasha was phenomenal. I loved her from her very first single, but hearing her voice live was far better than I had imagined. Even though she only sang a few songs, Andreas and I were both more than impressed. What a voice, what a presence on stage, what a nice young lady! I am in awe of her now so much more than I ever was before. Natasha definitely rocked the house with only her voice and a guitar. INCREDIBLE. Kudos to her!!!! She is a true artist.

I had to think of Sarah Rader (I miss her so much, BTW) and how excited she was when she saw Nathasha in concert. 

My husband & Father Roderick

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

So, this morning, I was listening to episode #782 of "The Break" with Father Roderick and around the 43 minute mark, I heard that my husband dedicated an episode to me. 

First, I thought I had misheard what Father Roderick was saying, then I started to tremble. I was so touched that my husband would think of something like this, that he knows how much it would mean to me. Words cannot express how grateful I am.

One of my idols, a person I look up to in so many ways, talked about me and the things Father Roderick said are still surreal to me.

OMG!

This will forever be one of the highlights of my life. I cannot count how many times I have listened to this part of the episode already and I will listen to it over and over and over again. 

Thank, Andreas. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!! I have THE BEST husband in the WOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!!

And thank you, Father Roderick, for believing in me, for encouraging me and for praying for us.

I am beyond honored to know that you are thinking of me. 

Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

I watched this speech of Steve Jobs around 2am this morning because I could not sleep. Rarely have I heard a more inspiring speech. These are words that one should listen to every morning before starting one's day and I am sure it would make a huge difference on one's decisions. This is a speech that definitely gave me that much needed kick in the butt. It made me want to stop procrastinating and finally go ahead and really get into the A to Z podcasting tutorials.

Ok, admittedly, a huge factor of why I am still lingering and haven't gotten past the first steps is that I fell into this deep black hole without seeing a reason to move on, even to live. So, if you are struggling with that, you certainly don't have the energy to learn the necessary steps on how to podcast.

A second reason for not moving forward with the tutorials is that I am awfully scared of failing again. This is a fear that paralyzes me. I love being creative, I love the possibilities offered to me by Cliff Ravenscraft and I love that I get to be part of this special class; but now that it is getting serious, some part of me is blocked. I almost feel like I need someone to sit next to me holding my hand while I go through every single step or tutorial. I will work through those issues and I will *try* very hard to stay confident.

After a wonderful weekend in Germany (only disturbed by my brother on Saturday night and Sunday morning), a fun day at the office with my husband, I feel like I have the necessary "drive" to continue with my work.

Now, go and watch this video! Go, go, go! ;)

YouTube - Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Nicola

Can I just say that Nicola is the best cousin in the world???!!!

I received this in the mail a couple of days ago.

Thank you, Nicola, for all your support, for your daily messages, for making me laugh, for continuously cheering for me and for not letting me give up. 

I love you deerly!!! 

I had to leave the program

.... for a about 10 days.
On Thursday, I had several very emotional, very intense conversations with my counselor, my therapist and other members of the team. I was pleading, telling them, they could not just let me go in the state that I am in right now, with the thoughts that I have and without any help on what to do until they would consider to accept me into the program again. They were firm, they would not let go of their rules, they would not consider any compromise, nothing. Nothing. The helplesness and hopelesness, the terror and anger I felt on this day, was more than I could handle. I was a wreck. Had I been alone, I don't know what I would have done.
Begging for help and not receiving it, how is that possible???

Well, later that day, we had a scheduled meeting with my husband, my therapist, the doctor and my counselor. Andreas did the same, asking them to help us over and over again, to help us find alternatives, anything that would at least help me get through those 4 weeks without any kind of therapy, without being in a "safe" environment, without professional help. It was like talking to a brick wall.
Both of us understand their rules, we accept them and we know they must have a therapeutical reason. As most of you have pointed out, the goal is for me to heal properly and to be able to live without falling back into my old habits. But right now, I am not at that point yet. I am not ready to do it alone. Not yet. I will be; but it will take time. I have dealt with this disorder for about 13 years and 6 weeks are not enough time for me to be strong enough to go back home for a month and not lose weight again.

I don't know what it was, what I said, that finally made them see how fragile I am at the moment, how scared of my own thoughts I am and how much I need their help. At this point, we all knew and they had FINALLY admitted that I would never be able to gain those 12 POUNDS in the remaining days, not as a girl with an eating disorder.

They must have seen that I was barely functioning (even though I want to point out that I was and still am eating very regularly, I ate all my 3 big meals and 3 to 4 snacks; so I have at least been able to keep that up!).
They made up their minds and told me that if I agreed to leave the program the next day, if I consented to move to a different ward without having any therapies, but still being surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses, they would accept me into the program again after this brief period of time.

So, on Friday, I packed my stuff and moved. 

Today

... I am too exhausted to write a blog post.
I would have lots to tell you because there have been major changes in the last 30 or so hours, but all I need to do now is sleep. 
Come back tomorrow, it'll be worth it. 




P.S. Why in the world did was yesterday's post deleted? Or where is it???? Frustrated and confused. 

Not a good way to start the day

It is 9:10 am and I am already more than stressed out because of what lies ahead of me today.
I do not have one single hour to relax, I have so many therapies, so much to take care of and it just keeps getting more and more. And at the same time, I keep thinking, what is the point? I will be out of here in 10 days anyway, so why do I even put all the energy that is left  in these therapies? Why do I even agree to one conversation after the other with one of the team members when they do not give a s**t what happens to me after they throw me out on May 24th? Right now, all I see, when they talk to me telling me how concerned they are about my state, is their hipocracy. If they were really so concerned about me, they would not cling to that impossible goal to gain 12 pounds in less than 2 weeks, they would realize that this is not realistic and not doable, they would see the state I am in and treat me as an individual and not just a number. 
I love this place, I really like most of the therapists, doctors and the nurses, but I do not understand how they could willingly decline someone who needs help, someone who came to this place as a last resort, their much needed treatment.
No matter what they say, they know that I will hit rock bottom again the moment I will be thrown out, and they do not care. 


I am sorry for this rant so early in the morning, but I am desperate, I am angry, I am said and I am helpless and I needed to put it all out there. 

Saturday

Since I had to stay at the clinic again last weekend, my husband came by on Saturday morning.
We had a late breakfast (almost miraculous: BOTH of us ate and we actually enjoyed it! How times have changed...) while brainstorming about the name of my (hopefully soon to be realized) first podcast. It was a phenomenal time of creativity. I cannot express how much fun we had on this beautiful, sunny day throwing ideas back and forth sitting alone in the sunlit breakfast room. I remember one moment of pure peace and happiness. One wonderful, blissful moment.

The flowers he gave to me.

We then spent a few hours laying in the sun, just relaxing, enjoying each others' company and taking in the beautiful scenery.

When Andreas found the herb garden, he seemed like a little child on Christmas morning. He walked around the garden

We tried different herbs and Andreas took some of them home to add it to my lunch.

He wore his brand new apron (given to him by my dad) for the first time.

Doesn't he look just handsome?

The pasta tasted delicious and I ate two portions.

It was a perfect day. The only sad part was the moment I had to back to the clinic again.

Priorities in May

So, it is May 10th and I have not even told you what my goals and priorities for this month are. 


My very first priority is easy to guess: continuing to fight my eating disorder, trying to be as strong as possible and gain weight. 






As I have told you before, I am participating in the Podcasting A to Z Course. I have to admit that I am already a few major steps behind, mostly due to the cold that I had last week. But I love being creative and I am still super excited about this class. I am getting closer and closer to creating my own brand, I am working on some kind of mission statement, I am still figuring out with which topic I would like to start; but this project that has been in my head for years is finally starting to become real. 
As of today, THIS will be a HUGE priority and I will finally start to invest more time in all the processes involved in starting my "professional online presence".


My 3rd goal is to write one blog post a day in May. So far, I am on track.



My 4th goal is to write one handwritten letter each and every day. I can proudly say that I have achieved that so far too! 

Now that I have finished watching "Big Love" (I will most likely post my thoughts about this show in the near future), I will not catch up or even start to watch a new TV show in May. 

I will still try to read, but not nearly as many books as in April (I think I read eleven to thirteen) as the goals above will most likely take up more time than I even have. ;)


Do you have any goals for this month?
If so, tell me about them! 

Tom Hanks is just awesome

Tom_Hanks_Coaches_Ultimate_Sexy_Baby_in_Toddlers_Tiaras_Spoofl

Weight graph

As you can see, I have experienced quite some setbacks in the last few days, losing 6 pounds within 3 days, then gaining gaining a bit back and losing a lot again. 


Some if it had to do with my cold and the fever, but mostly I just was not able to eat the portions I was supposed to eat. 


However, the good thing is that I have been able to maintain the regularity of eating . eating 3 bigger meals a day and 3 (or more) snacks. I am so proud of myself for keeping this up for more than 6 weeks now, as I have never ever ever ever eaten so regularly in my entire life!!!


I still have major problems with eating warm meals at night, so we made a compromise allowing me to keep my routine of eating a cold meal, mostly consisting of bread or a Pretzel with butter, cheese, honey and sometimes soup (which is the only warm thing I can eat at night without feeling so guilty that I can hardly stand it). I have grown up with this routine of eating what Americans would call "dinner" at lunchtime because of my parents' work schedule (my mom not working too far from home and my dad actually working in our house and both having their lunch breaks when we got home from school). 
This is one factor of why I have such a hard time of eating a "big meal" at night. 
The other one is that for five or more years, I did not allow myself to eat after 2pm, and when I had afternoon classes, I had the rule of only eating breakfast. 
We are working hard on this. Breakfast is no huge problem anymore, despite the fact that for many years I did not eat breakfast, and lunch is okay too. 


All in all, I am doing better than a few days ago, but I still had to stay at the sanatorium and was not allowed to go home for the weekend because I am too fragile. 


My hubby will be hear to have breakfast with me and then we are going to spend a few hours in the sun and think about naming my podcast etc., as I am sooooooo behind already on the A to Z class. 


I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! 

Better pictures of my new hair color.

My husband likes the color so much that he asked me to not only have pink highlights done the next time, but color my whole hair.

But as you can see, Amy was so much braver than me. She really went all the way!