Adams

Today I read George Saunders' short story "Adams". It's amazing; if you haven't read it, go read it NOW.

AIDA

I've been listening to a lot of music again, which I haven't done ever since I discovered podcasts.
However, lately I've fallen in love with musicals again, most of which I hadn't listened too in years, but I'm still able to quote every single line since I know them so well.
this one line spoke to me while I was running on the treadmill last night:
AIDA: "I shall not envy lovers or long for what they say...."
and yet I do. *sigh*

Struggling with God

I have been baptized as an infant, grew up with all the stories of the bible, I have had religion in school, I was taught how to pray and praise God, had my communion when I was 14 years old and have been going to church (now voluntarily) more and more regularly the older I got.
I am and have been a believer, but I have always challenged what I was told and taught. And I have always had many doubts. Doubts about all the injustice, all the hurt, all the anger, war, hunger, evil, illness, and so on. Why would a God who loves us allow all of us to have to suffer in so many horrible ways? Why?
Why did he let my brother do all the horrible things he did to me, why was he not there to help the little 3-year-old girl who needed his help so badly?
I know we all have free will and we are responsible for our life, our choices, our actions, but if he is a good God, why didn't he nudge someone in the right direction, send a signal, just do something?
Right now, I am struggling with God because, again, he is putting me through a situation that I have gone through a while ago. And again I am asking myself: why me? why again?

Yesterday, while I was working out, the song "Written in the Stars" of the musical AIDA was played, and I cannot stretch enough how much the lyrics spoke to me:

Are we paying for some crime
...
Or some God's experiment
In which we have no say
In which we're given paradise
But only for a day

Exchange the 'we' to 'me' and you have exactly what I feel right now.
I was given this glimpse of "paradise" last Sunday.
It was just one single, simple moment during which I didn't feel "broken", but felt whole and calm, and maybe even a bit happy.
However, this one moment was followed by a week of horror and agony.
I know that I am not strong enough to go through so much suffering again. Why?
Why am I denied happiness? Why am I denied contentment? I am trying so hard and always have, but it seems that it is just not enough.

As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place, but this is what's going on in my head right now.

Running, running, running.... Running Away?

Over the last few months I have been traveling between 2 continents and several cities. I have had different jobs, ideas & thoughts about my future.
But basically, all I have been doing was trying to run from myself. And that, unfortunately, does NOT work.