Weight graph

As you can see, I have experienced quite some setbacks in the last few days, losing 6 pounds within 3 days, then gaining gaining a bit back and losing a lot again. 


Some if it had to do with my cold and the fever, but mostly I just was not able to eat the portions I was supposed to eat. 


However, the good thing is that I have been able to maintain the regularity of eating . eating 3 bigger meals a day and 3 (or more) snacks. I am so proud of myself for keeping this up for more than 6 weeks now, as I have never ever ever ever eaten so regularly in my entire life!!!


I still have major problems with eating warm meals at night, so we made a compromise allowing me to keep my routine of eating a cold meal, mostly consisting of bread or a Pretzel with butter, cheese, honey and sometimes soup (which is the only warm thing I can eat at night without feeling so guilty that I can hardly stand it). I have grown up with this routine of eating what Americans would call "dinner" at lunchtime because of my parents' work schedule (my mom not working too far from home and my dad actually working in our house and both having their lunch breaks when we got home from school). 
This is one factor of why I have such a hard time of eating a "big meal" at night. 
The other one is that for five or more years, I did not allow myself to eat after 2pm, and when I had afternoon classes, I had the rule of only eating breakfast. 
We are working hard on this. Breakfast is no huge problem anymore, despite the fact that for many years I did not eat breakfast, and lunch is okay too. 


All in all, I am doing better than a few days ago, but I still had to stay at the sanatorium and was not allowed to go home for the weekend because I am too fragile. 


My hubby will be hear to have breakfast with me and then we are going to spend a few hours in the sun and think about naming my podcast etc., as I am sooooooo behind already on the A to Z class. 


I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! 

The meatball bunny

Flashback to Easter Saturday..... Woooooosssshhhhhhhh


I had racked my brains for weeks over what I could give my husband for Easter.
In our family, it is tradition to do an Easter egg hunt with a basket of chocolate bunnies and eggs. Even though we are all grown up now, we still have a blast searching for our Easter baskets.
Since I totally messed up on my husbands’ birthday – the first birthday of his we celebrated together. I had been too weak to buy him a present, had felt too empty to write him a love letter or even a Birthday Card. This is no excuse and I know I hurt him and will eternally regret it.

However, this isn’t a blog about his birthday, but about his Easter gift.

The crazy guy that he is, my husband does not eat chocolate. (Believe me, peeps, I still cannot fathom it.... hehe). So, the usual Easter eggs and bunnies were out of question.

Andreas loves meat, but I just could not figure out how to include meat in an Easter basket.

On Easter Saturday night, I had the brilliant idea of piecing together a bunny of meatballs.
It was not easy to hide my plan from my husband, especially since it seemed quite suspect to him that I went to the grocery store so late on Easter Saturday.

On Sunday morning, I finally just told him that I needed him to write and design our Easter cards and that he could not, under any circumstances come downstairs to the kitchen. This kept him occupied long enough for my mom and I to start our little project. We decided to create the bunny ears using cheese, which is on the other rare things he loves. Rarely did we have so much fun in the kitchen. My daddy roared with laughter and my mom and I giggled like little girls.
We had such a blast that we decided to not only create 2 bunnies for his Easter basket, but also a third one with hands and feet for breakfast.

My mom and I were so proud of our creation... hehe

When Andreas was finally allowed to come downstairs for Easter breakfast the air was filled with anticipation.
 Needless to say, he loved his surprise and ate the first bunny right away.
I have no idea where I found the inspiration for this meatball bunny, but I am beyond grateful to have found a way of giving a little gift of appreciation tot he love of my life.

Andreas with his bunny at breakfast

Easter basket

Alone at the Sanatorium

With all that has been going on, I did not even have the time to tell you what has been going on with my health.
The situation with Amy affected me in such a way that I lost 6 pounds from Thursday to Friday and I am now at a critical weight again. 
As an anorexic, the first thing you do when you cannot deal with a situation or when something bad happens, you stop eating. 
Now, I tried my best and asked for all the help I could get possibly get; I forced myself to eat as much as possible, but - objectively seen - it was not much, not much at all. 
Of course, I was devastated on Friday morning, called my father sobbing, talked to my therapists crying my tears out, because I am working so hard and this is the result I get.
I was so mad at myself, so horribly, horribly disappointment and ashamed of myself. Why can't I just be "normal"? 


I had planned on spending the weekend at home, had been looking forward to finally have some time with my husband again, but the doctors and the team advised me strongly to stay here. 
So,  I spent my very first weekend here in Kilchberg & I was only one of 3 patients on my station. Last night, I was even alone and I have to admit, I quite enjoyed it. I needed the calm, the "ME time" and the comfort of the silence. I loved having my room for myself. 


However, I spend all day yesterday with my husband. He came over at around 9am and we had breakfast together here at the clinic. It was wonderful and felt so good to have him visit the ward and be part of it for a while. My spirit was definitely uplifted. 
He brought me those beautiful flowers. Aren't they just gorgeous? The color is amazing, isn't it? 

He was there for me all day long, running errands and helping me to distract my thoughts. And the best part is that he will be here again in just a few minutes. :)