The Hangover Parts I, II & III

When I came to the clinic, I had not been taking antidepressants for almost a year.
After a week or two of my treatment, I was feeling so “down” that I agreed to start taking a light antidepressant again. At first, I felt like this was a step back; I had been so sure that I had left the chapter of antidepressants behind and admitting to myself that I needed help in form of medication was difficult. I did not see it as the perfect solution.
However, it didn’t take too long for me to view this as a step FORWARD, a step towards “functioning” again. After all, taking an antidepressant at the present doesn’t mean that I will have to take it forever. What it does mean is that I feel better NOW and that helps me to take the steps needed in order to feel better IN THE FUTURE.

Due to my lack of sleep in the past few weeks and the horrible nightmares that have tormented me, we decided to replace my antidepressant with one that I could take at night (instead of in the morning) in the hope of helping me get my much-needed sleep.
And, oh boy, does it work. I have been sleeping like a rock, catching up on all the weeks of tossing and turning, of falling asleep around 1 or 2 am and waking up around 4 am.

However, as most things in life, this too comes with its side effects. The so-called hangover effect gets to me the most. During the last three days, I have been feeling dizzy, the world seemed blurry, my head has always seemed heavy and I have been feeling slightly sick. Plus, I have been feeling even more melancholic than usually. All in all, I have not been myself. So, if this post is a bit random, blame it on the meds…
But, since it has only been three days, I am confidant that these side effects will fade away and that I will feel like myself again in a few days.
And THEN the advantages will easily outweigh the disadvantages!!! :)

Positive news!

As I had mentioned, yesterday was the day that decided whether I could stay at the clinic for 4 more weeks or not. 
It had been very close, but I reached my weight goal (I gained a lot over the Easter weekend!) and am relieved to say that I can continue my treatment.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers! 

Update after 1 week at the clinic.

Day One: Confusion

Today was an extremely uneventful day, except for the fact that I had to step on the scale. That was all. 

I spent my day  in my room despite the georgous weather. I don`t know if I am allowed to leave the area and go for a walk. I am quite confused because the doctor tells me one thing, the nurses tell me the opposite. Who (or is it "whom"?) do I believe?

First, they tell me that I can leave the compound as often as I want and that I should even go home on the weekend.
Then, this morning, the doctor told me that I was not even allowed to leave the compound and that I could not go home, no matter my state of mind.
The problem is that I am so shy and insecure that I just cannot ask what to do now. I am such a coward, but when I stand in front of them, I just cannot get the words out. So, I will have to wait and see.

I lost 8 pounds since I was weighed the last time and now only have a BMI of 15. My weight was 36.8 kilograms. I was shocked and still am. I NEVER, not in a million years, would have thought that I was THAT skinny and I cannot begin to imagine how little I must have weighed 3 months ago, when I stopped functioning.
If my BMI drops below 15, I will not be allowed to go home on the weekends, leave the compound or participate in physical therapy and I will, of course, have to stay much longer.

Despite knowing these facts, I am almost going crazy because I ate 3 meals today and I cannot work out. I am terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow morning. I am not sure how I will be able to deal with the shame should I gain a tiny bit of weight. I do not know how I would be able to look my doctor in the eye.

I hope the time of diagnosis will be over soon. I really need them to start my therapeutic program.

BUT I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THE VIEW. I HIT THE JACKPOT WITH MY ROOM!

My new friend

Cats always know when you need someone, when you are in pain or lonely and desperate. 

Luna knew I needed her today, so she came and stayed with me for several hours and she consoled me, gave me the feeling of not being alone. 

Despite all the prayers, thoughts, the outpouring of love coming my way, there is nothing that can replace a physical hug or someone to hold on to. Luna was the one for me today and just a few minutes ago, when I hit a low point, a little someone jumped on my bed and snuggled up next to me.
How in the world does this cute little creature know just when her presence is needed?
Cats are mysterious...

the pictures did not turn out that great because of the backlight. Maybe I will take some more tomorrow...

It is REALLY happening!

I have arrived!

 

I was terrified on my way to the clinic. I hardly slept and felt ill and still do. But I am SO GLAD that this day has finally come. 

I do not know what the program will be today or in the next days, but I hope to find out more in the next few hours.

my bed and desk

and get ready for THIS: 

Everything is about to change

on Wednesday at 10am.

Spes

There is HOPE. 

It looks like our health insurance will cover the costs of a treatment at the Kilchberg clinic. It is still not 100% certain, but usually there is no problem.  Squeeee!
I have an appointment on Thursday for my medical examination and a therapy session and then I should be ready to be admitted. Squeeee again!
 

Let us hope everything goes smoothly now.

Visiting the Clinic for Psychotherapy

On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.

It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there. 

There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.

However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.

All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.

I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.

Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.  

How can I 

I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.

I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.

Am I  being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)

The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased. 

I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more. 

In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer. 

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.