On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.
It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there.
There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.
However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.
All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.
I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.
Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.
How can I
I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.
I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me. Am I being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)
The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased.
I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more.
I will continue to pray for your heart and mind on this matter.
ReplyDeletePlease try not to compare yourself to these girls. Read back to your last post. You are just as worthy of seeking health and wellness as any of those girls.
Try to be thankful that you are seeking healing at the point where you are today and that you didn't allow yourself to get to the place where your BMI dropped so low.
Consider the opportunity that you may have to be a source of mutual encouragement to these other patients. Consider how much these patients may be a source of encouragement to you.
I thank God each time I read one of your posts. You transparency and authenticity is so refreshing. I do not judge you for feeling what you are feeling. I'm thankful to get the updates to know how I can become more specific in my requests to God about His help for you.
Continued Prayers From Here!
Cliff
thank you so much for gving me a different perspective, Cliff. I have said it a million times, but I don`t know what I would do without you and your advice.
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