Meet Annerexia

Annerexia is always hungry.

Annereixia does not allow herslef to eat.
Annerexia is terrified that everything is going to get out of control.
Annerexia is always grouchy.
Annerexia is always in a bad mood.
Annerexia is aggressive.
Annerexia hates people.
Annerexia hates the smell of food.
Annerexia is unhappy 24/7.
Annerexia thinks she only deserves to live is she is super skinny.
Annerexia knows she does not deserve to eat.
Annerexia is convinced that she is not allowed to enjoy life.
Annerexia is scared 24/7.
Annerexia is 100 % sure that everyone hates her.
Annerexia has nothing to offer the world.
Annerexia thinks about food all day long. 
Annerexia walks through the aisles of supermakrekts marveling at the delicious delikatessen for hours and hours.
Annerexia does not want to live.
Annerexia is hates Anne and wants to ruin her life.
Annerexia enjoys torturing Anne.
Annerexia loathes Anne.
Annerexia is growing stronger and is yelling louder the more Anne is eating.
Annerexia has the voice of Anne's brother. 

A heck of a weekend

We celebrated our 1st anniversary in the same restaurant we had dinner last year. It was fun to remember how things had changed in those 12 months. Being back at this restaurant reminded me of how fresh everything was at the beginning, how different our dynamic was, how Andreas used to prepare breakfast for me before he went to work, how he showered me with presents (like my beloved green iPod shuffle which I lost in the last few days. *sad face*) and how excited we both were to have found each other. Thank God that we haven't forgotten the unfathomable luck we have. 

Anyways, I digress...

We had the most delicious food ever and both ate truffles (which gave us the idea of what to cook on Sunday) and were both able to enjoy eating in the middle of the day, something that is a HUGE deal for us, as we have never really been able to do just that.

After lunch we went on a boat trip on Lake Zürich. It was awesome. We sat in the sun (both getting a bit sunburnt) for 1,5 hours just being in love, not thinking of anything, leaving the clinic, work, all the issues  of everyday life behind us. 

It was a wonderful day. A day that will give me the strength to take the next big steps on my way to health. 

If you want to know what we did on Sunday, check this site again later today. 

I got a call.

My doctor's secretary left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was in class. 

The news I got weren't what I was hoping for. It will take AT LEAST 4 weeks until I will be able to start my therapy. I was praying that I would not take that long. 

I really don't know how to go on for 4 more weeks; I doubt I can, not like that.

Well, I talked to the secretary of a different clinic and it looks like they could admit me next week, if everything goes smoothly. I haven't visited the clinic, but it is supposed to be a great one too. They treat not only eating disorders, but also other forms of mental sicknesses. So, they could even help me with the anxiety issues and so much more.
And they have a day hospital that would be a perfect bridge leading me back to reality after the critical part of the therapy.

Sounds great, right? Well, the thing is that this is a private clinic and I have no idea yet if our health insurance covers the costs of the program. This could turn out to be a huge problem. I hope to get all the information I need before the weekend.

I have been trying to contact one of the doctors in order to make an appointment for a physical examination, but I was always put on hold. Since I don't have any classes tomorrow and only have to study, study, study, I can try to call him nonstop. ;)

The thing is that if I was admitted to that clinic next week, I could have done major steps already by the time that the Universitätsklinik could offer me a place to stay. 

The downside is that I have enrolled myself in fascinating projects in the next weeks and I would miss all of those, whereas my schedule would be a bit less interesting in the months of late April and May. 

But these are only secondary factors. 

Alright, I have rambled on for way too long now. I need to sleep. 

Good night, everbody and (since it is already Friday here) I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY!

More than I deserve!

Today, I received a package from the US that brightened my day.
My very good friends Stephanie and Cliff from gspn.tv sent me a signed copy of Candace Cameron Bure's book "Reshaping It All". Cliff and Stephanie recently did an interview with the author for Family From the Heart, one of their many podcasts. Candace shared how she struggled with food and how she gained a healthy perspective, ultimately overcoming her disorder.
I knew that they would send me this book, because they mentioned it during the interview, but I still teared up - what else, right? ;) - when I opened the package. Having friends who care so deeply about me, is still unfathomable to me and it gives me more strenght and solace than I can express.
Cliff and Stephanie are not the only ones who pray for me, think of me, send me short notes and emails. Every single one of those messages reminds me of how blessed I am and they give me the energy to continue the path to health.
This army of friends and family cheering for me serves as a means of holding me accountable, of not letting me give up even when I feel like I am too scared or too exhausted to take the next step.

And that is truly invaluable.

I cannot wait to dive into this book. 

 THANK YOU, Stephanie and Cliff!

Here is a link to the interview:

http://gspn.tv/146-family-from-the-heart-candace-cameron-bure-interview/

Visiting the Clinic for Psychotherapy

On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.

It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there. 

There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.

However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.

All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.

I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.

Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.  

How can I 

I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.

I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.

Am I  being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)

The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased. 

I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more. 

In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer. 

Learning from a friend

I just listened to last week`s episode of Balanced Living Weekly (http://gspn.tv/057-balanced-living-weekly-cruising-chickens-parsnips-and-much-more/). Cliff Ravenscraft shares in this podcast episode some memories of his recent cruise, his weight gain and how he enjoyed every minute of it, not once feeling guilty about eating too much.

This reminded me of how I took our bathroom scale with me on vacation when I was about 10 or 11 years old. Now, who does that at this age? Isn't that just crazy? I remember what a nightmare this vaccation was for the whole family. I wasn't just ruining our trip to the South of France for myself, I was making it almost impossible for my parents or my sister to have an enjoyable, relaxing time.
I was so concerned about my weight that a regular meal was impossible and dining out was a nightmare. I remember the fights I fought with myself, the yearning for a cup of ice-cream when everybody else was enjoying one, the wish to just eat what everbody else was eating. But I couldn`t. I just could not lose control.

So, even at the age of about 10, this issue did not leave my mind for a single minute.

I am so very glad that Cliff did what he deserves to do: he took a break from his everyday life and just took it easy. After all, this is what vacation is for. This is the whole reason for going away. And once you come back home, you are refreshed and fully energized, ready to have a bit more control and discipline about every asepct of your life again.

Who cares about a few more pounds if you spent a wonderful time with your family or friends? (In fact, writing this makes me feel so stupid because it IS so very trivial..) People and realtionships are what counts in life, not your weight. I regret how many valuable hours, days and weeks I have lost because of the preoccupation with food and I pray that I will be able to make up for all of it once I am healthy.

I hope that very soon I will be able to adopt Cliff`s mindset, because he figured out what really matters in life.  

P.S. I have been a gspn.tv Plus Member since 2008 (or was 2007?) and I have enjoyed every minute of their fantastic podcasts. If you haven`t done so yet (which I doubt), you should check them out:

http://www.gspn.tv/

Today is the day

that Germany's Next Topmodel returns!!!!

just kidding... :-)

Trip to Kribi

Valerie buying our tickets.

Le Centre de Voyage.

On Tuesday morning, it was time to set off on our excursion ot Kribi.
After we arrived at the bus station at about 7.30 am, we waited in the bus until it was full – 5 people had to sit  in every single row, no matter how tall or how big they were; this lead to some VERY funny scenarios (I wish I could have taken pictures, but I did not want to be disrespectful).

Waiting for 2 hours would have been fine, had there not been vomit on my seat. But, I survived… The ride was actually quite good and the road was not bad at all.

Our bus.

The cute thing is that there is only one road leading out of Yaoundé and after 2 hours, there is a traffic circle with one exit to Douala (the commercial center of Cameroon) and another one to Kribi. It was fascinating to drive through the rainforest with vegetation that is so different than what we see it every day. The bus stopped a few times in order to give street vendors a chance to sell “arachides” (the best peanuts I have ever eaten), manioc, bananas, banana chips, melons, water, soda, but also toilet paper, books, bibles or handkerchiefs.

It only took us about 3 hours, instead of the 4 that Valerie had told us, until we arrived in a still untouched beautiful, little fishing village.

However, this will change soon as the government decided to build a huge port in Kribi at one of the most beautiful, heavenly beaches I have ever seen. Chinese companies are already building new roads and I am sure that it will not take long until this little piece of paradise is destroyed. 

The taxi driver that had taken Valerie and Joseph all over town the first time they had been to Kribi recognized Valerie right away and was smiling like a child when he saw her, knowing that he would make a lot of money in the next few days… 

Our beach.

Our hotel was cute, clean and right at the beach. I instantly fell in love with this it and could have stayed there forever just feeling the breeze of the ocean on my skin and listening to the sound of the waves.  There is something about sea air that makes me feel alive and fresh and able to think clear; I always feel 100 % better when I am staying close to the ocean.

But I digress… 

Marina de Kribi

We had dinner in a wonderful restaurant at the marina and were able to take a very romantic walk on the beach until sunset.

It was the perfect start to 3 awesome days on the beach.

Full Moon in Kribi.

The day in pictures:

A random anecdote:
There were a few children playing at the beach who, upon seeing us, wanted to touch “les blancs”. Joseph told Valerie never to let them touch her because nobody could know whether they were really only children or demons hidden in the bodies of children.
This statement surprised us a bit.

Even though Joseph is Catholic, reads the bible every day and goes to Church at least once a week, the traditional set of beliefs of the Cameroonian nature religions is still omnipresent in his everyday life.

OMG! Crystal Renn expresses exactly what I feel.

I cannot stop crying because she is putting everything I have everfelt and thought into words.

MENTAL TORTURE! It really IS nothing but MENTAL TORTURE. 24/7.

Do I have HOPE too?

Haricots verts

While I am working on a blog post about my conversation with a therapist and the decisions that I am faced with now, I present to you a some lines about the most delicious food. 

Ahhhh, the irony...

Everybody who knows me, knows how much I love green beans; especially when my mom prepares them. In my opinion, she makes the best green beans in the world.
Well, that is what I thought before visiting Cameroon.
The beans there taste so incredibly delicious that I think I could go through my whole life without eating anything else.
You can taste that they are fresh, not processed, not imported, not chemically altered etc. I believe I ate them every night.*
We took a huge bag of fresh green beans home with us and ate them on the weekend. Yummy yum yum.

The same applies to most vegetables, fruit (as I have heard; even my husband, who never eats fruit, couldn't get enough of it during our vacation), meat and, of course, fish. Everything just tastes a whole lot richer and much more intense. 

What?! No, I am NOT eating an ananas!

But the beans, oh the beans were soooooooo good. 

Here are some impressions of the delicious food we enjoyed during our vacation:

*I tried my very best to NOT have a bad conscience while eating, but I wasn't successful. However, it was easier to eat than usually.

Cameroon Continued... Day 2.

The second day of our trip was one of the most eventful.

After breakfast we went to the market close to the Muslim quarter of Yaoundé to buy some fabric for the Christmas gifts that Valerie and Joseph had promised us: a shirt for Andreas and a dress for me.

This market was UNBELIEVABLE. I don’t think I have ever seen so many, many people and cars in between, such chaos, so many colors, so many different smells and so much noise.

We did not take the camera with us, so I don’t have any pictures of this market (it would have been too dangerous because of thieves), but I found one on the internet; just to give you an impression. 

Armand, our driver, did the miraculous and found us a parking spot (I have never seen a person back into a parking space more skillfully!!!) and so we went on our quest for some fabric. Again, it wasn’t easy to enjoy what we were seeing because of the slight harassment. I have never seen so many beautiful kinds of fabric. They have patterns that are totally different than those that we are used to. We had decided before that it was best to buy the same fabric for Andreas and I and, even though, the variety was enormous, we decided on the same fabric within just a few minutes. Valerie was amazed and could not

Joseph and Armand.

believe it. We are true soul mates. Hehe Andreas also found a highly qualitative fabric for a suit.

After that, I also got some sandals that would fit the dress and then we went on.

We were amused to see that while we had been gone, our car had been used as a stand for sponges; but since we needed them anyway, it was quite convenient. LOL

I still have that sponge and use it to train my broken thumb… 
 
After that, we went to the Muslim quarter and bought all kinds of meat with special spices. It was fascinating to see how they cooked and prepared the meat right in front of our eyes. Thank goodness that we are no vegetarians, but Valerie felt a bit queasy because of the smell and the blood.

Buying lunch.

Trying typical Cameroonian food.

We spent a long, long time sitting in a bar on a balcony eating the meat we had just bought; I have to stress again that I tasted things that I had always refused to try and it tasted so very good.  




Andreas and I like it hot (*cough cough*) and so we had to live with the consequences of this fondness on the next day… But more about that later.

At the tailor.

Armand drove us around town for a while (he and Andreas got along perfectly without speaking each other’s languages; it was so cute!) and I think we saw almost the entire city. We stopped at the tailor to get measured and to order our cloths. The tailor was super nice and kind and we were both thrilled and already anxious to see the finished products… Yes, we are both quite impatient. 

Then the day took a slight turn to the sad side. This is an anecdote that I would like to share, just to show you how much of a difference between white and black there still is. It was such an honor for Armand, the chauffeur, to drive us around on that day that he insisted on introducing us to his family. His wife had just moved out and he wanted to ask her to come back home with their children.  Can you believe that he thought he would have a better chance of convincing her, just because there were 3 white people with him? I am still shocked about this worldview and, I may be very, very naïve, but I had no idea that people still thought that way. I had no idea that it was such an HONOR to be surrounded by “les blancs”.  This had me thinking for many days and I still cannot grasp it.

This impression was reinforced later that evening when we went to a restaurant called Café de Yaoundé, where we sat in a beautiful garden surrounded almost exclusively by whites…

Impressions of the day*:

 

Don’t look at the pictures if you do not want to see dead animals!

Gummibären

... and THEN (maybe 15 minutes after I wrote this http://intercontinentallife.blogspot.com/2011/02/trapped_08.html), I experienced the following:

Andreas & Gabrielle

Gabrielle (the cute baby girl of on of Joseph's sisters) had been scared of Andreas from the very first moment she saw him. She screamed as loud as she possibly could every time he came near her (I am not sure if she had ever seen a white man before).

But when Andreas gave her a few Gummibears we had brought with us for the kids, she was at first skeptical, looked at her mom and did not rely know what to do. After a few moments she took one and ate it and from that moment on, Andreas and Gabrielle were practically inseparable for the next two weeks.

Food, healthy or not, unites people. It can break barriers, its language is universal. When I think back over the last 2 weeks, I notice that we had the most wonderful conversations during breakfast, lunch or dinner. I just wish my mind would not have wandered back to this dark, dark place all the time.

I will never forget this moment; the moment when Gabrielle started to trust and like Andreas -
just because of a handful of Gummibears...

As time went on my mind started to relax a bit. The thoughts were still omnipresent, but the voices weren't as loud as they were and are in Europe.

The reason for this is quite certainly the fact that I was not surrounded by this evil, harmful and sick media world that is almost unavoidable in the western world. Women care about the way they look like in Cameroon too, but the pressure is not even slightly as extreme as it is here.

The other reason is that my mind had just too many other impressions to process to dictate and direct my thoughts into the "anorexia" direction.

P.S. I was told a few times that women whose husbands do not have a "big belly" are viewed as bad wives.

Obligatory 1/11/11 Post

Since I am in a hurry and kind of uninspired (seriously, who stole all the inspiration I had last week), I will post a few wishes that I wrote up earlier this year in light of admitting to being "not OK".

My Wishes for Myself

I want to get healthy for the first time in my life.
I want to be able to accept myself for who I am.
I want to reach and stay at a healthy weight.
I want to get rid off my eating attacks.
I want to come to terms with who I am.
I want to be able to enjoy food.
I want to be able to NOT THINK about what I am eating all day long.
I just want to be normal for one single day in my life.

Physical and mental health is what I am striving for.

I hope to write a few more blog posts before leaving for Africa in 2 days (canNOT wait!!!), but I cannot promise anything.

Have a Happy 1/11/11, my friends!