Positive news!

As I had mentioned, yesterday was the day that decided whether I could stay at the clinic for 4 more weeks or not. 
It had been very close, but I reached my weight goal (I gained a lot over the Easter weekend!) and am relieved to say that I can continue my treatment.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers! 

Will I ever find a place of employment?

I received a message a few days ago telling me that because of the way I chose to share my story and my struggle with anorexia, I would never be able to find a job, that no employer would even consider my application.

I received this message on the day that my therapy started and I had a mental breakdown. I chose to tell my story and to be honest because I am sick and tired of hiding and of pretending to be someone that I am not.

But still, it was a shock to hear this at this point (seriously, could this someone have been even more inconsiderate?) and after crying my eyes out, I got super angry. Am I supposed to go to university thinking that I won't be able to get a job anyway, that society thinks of me as not worthy of having a chance in life? Is it not commendable that people, who decide to be treated for whatever disease they have, want to get healthy and are willing to go through hell to find their way back to life?

Is it really the case that people who choose to be treated for a mental disease are viewed as some kind of "trash", that it is not worth "the risk" of employing them?

If that is the way it is, then what perspective do we have? What kind of world do we live in? 

Day One: Confusion

Today was an extremely uneventful day, except for the fact that I had to step on the scale. That was all. 

I spent my day  in my room despite the georgous weather. I don`t know if I am allowed to leave the area and go for a walk. I am quite confused because the doctor tells me one thing, the nurses tell me the opposite. Who (or is it "whom"?) do I believe?

First, they tell me that I can leave the compound as often as I want and that I should even go home on the weekend.
Then, this morning, the doctor told me that I was not even allowed to leave the compound and that I could not go home, no matter my state of mind.
The problem is that I am so shy and insecure that I just cannot ask what to do now. I am such a coward, but when I stand in front of them, I just cannot get the words out. So, I will have to wait and see.

I lost 8 pounds since I was weighed the last time and now only have a BMI of 15. My weight was 36.8 kilograms. I was shocked and still am. I NEVER, not in a million years, would have thought that I was THAT skinny and I cannot begin to imagine how little I must have weighed 3 months ago, when I stopped functioning.
If my BMI drops below 15, I will not be allowed to go home on the weekends, leave the compound or participate in physical therapy and I will, of course, have to stay much longer.

Despite knowing these facts, I am almost going crazy because I ate 3 meals today and I cannot work out. I am terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow morning. I am not sure how I will be able to deal with the shame should I gain a tiny bit of weight. I do not know how I would be able to look my doctor in the eye.

I hope the time of diagnosis will be over soon. I really need them to start my therapeutic program.

BUT I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THE VIEW. I HIT THE JACKPOT WITH MY ROOM!

It is REALLY happening!

I have arrived!

 

I was terrified on my way to the clinic. I hardly slept and felt ill and still do. But I am SO GLAD that this day has finally come. 

I do not know what the program will be today or in the next days, but I hope to find out more in the next few hours.

my bed and desk

and get ready for THIS: 

Mad Men

Since my mind is keeping me awake because of the beginning of my stay at the clinic tomorrow, I thought I could use this time and tell you my thoughts on the first season of Mad Men.

I have heard Jack Glatfelter (@crackpotjack) talk and rave about it for a loooooong time now and have always wanted to check it out. I started the first episodes during Christmas break, but with the trip to Africa, the eating disorder, the beginning of the new semester at my university and watching way too many other shows, it took me until last night to finish the first season. 

I have to admit that at the beginning, I did not really get it. I thought it had a really slow start. I coud not figure out what all the fuss was about. Some of the episodes seemed to me totally pointless and without a definite purpose or even plot. But - since I trust Jack's judgement and value his opinion - I kept watching and it did pay off. The finale was fantastic and now I finally feel like the writers knew what they were doing all season. This one single episode gave so many insides in the characters that the rest of the season makes a whole lot more sense now. 

I cannot wait to watch season 2 and see how the characters develop and grow. I hope we will get to know even more about their past and real motives.

Thank you for another fantastic recommendation, Jack. 

And thanks for making me watch even more TV. :P

I will try to get at least a few hours of sleep now. I still have not packed my suitcase and I have NO IDEA what to take with me...

Everything is about to change

on Wednesday at 10am.

HAPPY and HAPPY and HAPPY and a lot more

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AMERICAN MOM! 

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY VERY GOOD FRIEND and nlcast co-host JOHN! 

Today is also the day that I have the medical examination at the clinic for psychotherapy. Wish me luck...




A year ago today, I was on my way from New York City to Washington to meet MAGGIEEEEEE! I cannot believe we did not take a single picture. Shame on us, Maggie...

We went to Drag Queen Bingo and I had Sweet Potato French Fries for the first time in my life. It was such a blast.




However, it was also the day that I dropped my iPhone, which gave it quite a unique look.  

Oh, the memories... 

Spes

There is HOPE. 

It looks like our health insurance will cover the costs of a treatment at the Kilchberg clinic. It is still not 100% certain, but usually there is no problem.  Squeeee!
I have an appointment on Thursday for my medical examination and a therapy session and then I should be ready to be admitted. Squeeee again!
 

Let us hope everything goes smoothly now.

I got a call.

My doctor's secretary left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was in class. 

The news I got weren't what I was hoping for. It will take AT LEAST 4 weeks until I will be able to start my therapy. I was praying that I would not take that long. 

I really don't know how to go on for 4 more weeks; I doubt I can, not like that.

Well, I talked to the secretary of a different clinic and it looks like they could admit me next week, if everything goes smoothly. I haven't visited the clinic, but it is supposed to be a great one too. They treat not only eating disorders, but also other forms of mental sicknesses. So, they could even help me with the anxiety issues and so much more.
And they have a day hospital that would be a perfect bridge leading me back to reality after the critical part of the therapy.

Sounds great, right? Well, the thing is that this is a private clinic and I have no idea yet if our health insurance covers the costs of the program. This could turn out to be a huge problem. I hope to get all the information I need before the weekend.

I have been trying to contact one of the doctors in order to make an appointment for a physical examination, but I was always put on hold. Since I don't have any classes tomorrow and only have to study, study, study, I can try to call him nonstop. ;)

The thing is that if I was admitted to that clinic next week, I could have done major steps already by the time that the Universitätsklinik could offer me a place to stay. 

The downside is that I have enrolled myself in fascinating projects in the next weeks and I would miss all of those, whereas my schedule would be a bit less interesting in the months of late April and May. 

But these are only secondary factors. 

Alright, I have rambled on for way too long now. I need to sleep. 

Good night, everbody and (since it is already Friday here) I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY!

Visiting the Clinic for Psychotherapy

On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.

It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there. 

There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.

However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.

All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.

I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.

Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.  

How can I 

I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.

I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.

Am I  being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)

The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased. 

I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more. 

In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer. 

Am I about to lose my identity?

So, I had the 2nd conversation with my doctor on Thursday and it turned out the way that I had guessed it. She told me that the results of my peripheral quantitative computed tomography were not good at all. I have osteoporosis. And while I already knew the diagnosis, I didn`t know how severe it really was. It still has not sunk in that I damaged my body in such a way. She told me to change my lifestyle immediately, otherwise this would not end in a good way. And time is running out.

I was introduced to the program of the clinic here in Zürich (alternatively, I could go to a clinic a bit outside of the city; we`ll see), the expectations, the rules, the types of therapies they offer etc. She could not tell me how long the waiting list is, but usually it takes about 1 to 4 weeks until one gets a spot. 

Consequently, I will stop out of university for a while and concentrate on getting healthy. I just wish I had fixed dates yet. Right now, I feel like I am on tenterhooks.
The more she said, the sicker I felt. Don`t get me wrong: I want to do this, I have to do this. But it will be hard.

I am scared that I won`t make it. I am scared of all the changes, of letting go, of not being in constant control anymore. I am terrified of gaining weight.

Being skinny is how I defined myself for most of my life. So, who will I be when I am not the skinny, sick girl anymore? Will I be anyone at all? What will I do? How will people react to me, look at me? Who will they think that I am?
Who will I think I am? What will I think of myself? I am worried about not being able to handle the change.

I don`t want to disappoint everybody who has always waited for me to be healthy and is having enormous expectations right now. What if I can`t fulfill them?

I am worried about not being ENOUGH!

Today is the day

that Germany's Next Topmodel returns!!!!

just kidding... :-)

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.