I got a call.

My doctor's secretary left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was in class. 

The news I got weren't what I was hoping for. It will take AT LEAST 4 weeks until I will be able to start my therapy. I was praying that I would not take that long. 

I really don't know how to go on for 4 more weeks; I doubt I can, not like that.

Well, I talked to the secretary of a different clinic and it looks like they could admit me next week, if everything goes smoothly. I haven't visited the clinic, but it is supposed to be a great one too. They treat not only eating disorders, but also other forms of mental sicknesses. So, they could even help me with the anxiety issues and so much more.
And they have a day hospital that would be a perfect bridge leading me back to reality after the critical part of the therapy.

Sounds great, right? Well, the thing is that this is a private clinic and I have no idea yet if our health insurance covers the costs of the program. This could turn out to be a huge problem. I hope to get all the information I need before the weekend.

I have been trying to contact one of the doctors in order to make an appointment for a physical examination, but I was always put on hold. Since I don't have any classes tomorrow and only have to study, study, study, I can try to call him nonstop. ;)

The thing is that if I was admitted to that clinic next week, I could have done major steps already by the time that the Universitätsklinik could offer me a place to stay. 

The downside is that I have enrolled myself in fascinating projects in the next weeks and I would miss all of those, whereas my schedule would be a bit less interesting in the months of late April and May. 

But these are only secondary factors. 

Alright, I have rambled on for way too long now. I need to sleep. 

Good night, everbody and (since it is already Friday here) I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY!

Today is the day

that Germany's Next Topmodel returns!!!!

just kidding... :-)

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.

New beginning

Today is the first day of the new semester and it feels weird to be back in my university.
I have been lethargic all day yesterday, crying all night and was in a really bad mood this morning. I am a routine kind of girl. I like routine, I thrive on routine and it is always hard for me to adapt to change; however little it is.
I stayed in my pyjamas all day yesterday thinking about everything that happened in the last 2 months. It feels like an eternity. All the changes inside and outside, the travelling, celebrating Christmas, New Year`s, fighting with my body and mind, the creative wave I have been riding on, spending all this wonderful time with my husband, having soooo many ups and downs in my personal development; how can all of that fit into such a short amount of time?
And yet at the same time, I wanted to do so much more. I had planned on working and experimenting with Photoshop, Dreamweaver, InDesign etc., wanted to create a new wordpress website or even design my own website, clean my computer and organize my pictures. Oh well, I am human and can`t do it all.

Even though this semester just began, it migh be a short one for me. More about that in a later post.