It is REALLY happening!

I have arrived!

 

I was terrified on my way to the clinic. I hardly slept and felt ill and still do. But I am SO GLAD that this day has finally come. 

I do not know what the program will be today or in the next days, but I hope to find out more in the next few hours.

my bed and desk

and get ready for THIS: 

Spes

There is HOPE. 

It looks like our health insurance will cover the costs of a treatment at the Kilchberg clinic. It is still not 100% certain, but usually there is no problem.  Squeeee!
I have an appointment on Thursday for my medical examination and a therapy session and then I should be ready to be admitted. Squeeee again!
 

Let us hope everything goes smoothly now.

Visiting the Clinic for Psychotherapy

On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.

It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there. 

There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.

However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.

All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.

I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.

Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.  

How can I 

I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.

I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.

Am I  being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)

The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased. 

I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more. 

In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer. 

Am I about to lose my identity?

So, I had the 2nd conversation with my doctor on Thursday and it turned out the way that I had guessed it. She told me that the results of my peripheral quantitative computed tomography were not good at all. I have osteoporosis. And while I already knew the diagnosis, I didn`t know how severe it really was. It still has not sunk in that I damaged my body in such a way. She told me to change my lifestyle immediately, otherwise this would not end in a good way. And time is running out.

I was introduced to the program of the clinic here in Zürich (alternatively, I could go to a clinic a bit outside of the city; we`ll see), the expectations, the rules, the types of therapies they offer etc. She could not tell me how long the waiting list is, but usually it takes about 1 to 4 weeks until one gets a spot. 

Consequently, I will stop out of university for a while and concentrate on getting healthy. I just wish I had fixed dates yet. Right now, I feel like I am on tenterhooks.
The more she said, the sicker I felt. Don`t get me wrong: I want to do this, I have to do this. But it will be hard.

I am scared that I won`t make it. I am scared of all the changes, of letting go, of not being in constant control anymore. I am terrified of gaining weight.

Being skinny is how I defined myself for most of my life. So, who will I be when I am not the skinny, sick girl anymore? Will I be anyone at all? What will I do? How will people react to me, look at me? Who will they think that I am?
Who will I think I am? What will I think of myself? I am worried about not being able to handle the change.

I don`t want to disappoint everybody who has always waited for me to be healthy and is having enormous expectations right now. What if I can`t fulfill them?

I am worried about not being ENOUGH!

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.

... we have to live with the consequences of our choices!

... and make the best of it.

Well, Andreas and I ate so much of that meat prepared with Cameroonian spices that we were sick on Sunday and Monday. Especially I was the one who felt as sick as never before. I will spare you the details; let's just say that it wasn't pretty... Every time I caught my reflection, I startled: I totally looked like a drug addict or a living dead with huge black rings under my eyes. 

However, since we expected to get sick at some point, we were prepared. Also, the fact that my mom is a pharmacist helped with our first-aid kit. :)
We talked to Joseph’s mother and sisters and they told us that even locals would get sick from these special kinds of spices. The only thing that was a tiny bit unnerving was the fact that we still did not have any water at home. So, we decided to go up to Mont Fébé and spend the day at the pool there. It wasn’t ideal, but we could at least use the restroom…

It was an especially beautiful day, but I don’t think that I even noticed the wonderful view of Yaoundé on that day.

At the end of the day I felt so sick that I had no scruples anymore. When I saw that there were couches in the very fancy restaurant we went to, I decided to change the table and lay down while the other three were enjoying their delicious dinner. By the time we got home, I couldn’t even walk on my own anymore. I was so very lucky that we had to postpone our trip to Kribi for 2 days; I would have never been able to travel for 4 hours as we had planned.

On Monday we felt a bit better and we had water again, so we could take a shower! YES!!!!! :D

Since Joseph had to go to a meeting, which could take an hour or 5 (time is irrelevant in Cameroon), Valerie, Andreas and I took it easy. We had breakfast and then strolled around a beautiful garden in the center of Yaoundé, “Le Jardin d’Amour”, where all the young couples spend their time.

It is still very uncommon for lovers to show affection in public, kissing is basically a no go and holding hands is also seen as reprehensible. Being gay is still considered a punishable offense. So, one has to be careful walking around kissing or holding hands. A lesson, Andreas and I had to learn the hard way. But you have to respect the customs and points of view of the country and just adapt in order to not offend the locals. 

The rest of the day was rather quiet except for the fact that I had a fit of laughter while standing under the shower soaped from head to toe and the turned off the water – again. Supposedly for 5 minutes, BUT this being Cameroon, I decided to use mineral water instead in order to not catch a cold and it was the right decision as it took them about 50 minutes… The best thing about it was that the family knew that I was taking a shower and they still went ahead and turned the water off, instead of waiting 3 more minutes until I was done. I thought it was hilarious. We could learn something from their serenity.

The day in pictures:

Shame

I am sitting on a train to German (once again) and I am sobbing.
My jeans is as tight as never before and I cannot describe the physical pain I feel from that realization.
At the same time, my husband is getting thinner and thinner every single day and this is putting an IMMEASURABLE pressure on myself.
It is crazy and I cannot wait for Thursday to finally have an appointment with a psychologist.
I am so ashamed. The shame I feel is overwhelming. The shame of having gained weight. The shame of gaining weight while my husband is losing weight.
What will people think? How will they judge me? What will they think when they see me the next time?
I am so ashamed. 
Thursday cannot come soon enough.

Trapped.

I had totally forgotten about this blog post I wrote on the 1st evening in Yaoundé.

I wrote it after watching "The Black Swan" while we were relaxing for a couple of hours and will just post it now - more than 3 weeks after I wrote it... But it doesn't matter since the feelings and the anxiety is still omnipresent.

Here it is:

I feel trapped; trapped in this body that just keeps getting bigger and bigger, despite all my efforts.

Trapped with this mindset that makes me think I am constantly, second by second, gaining weight.

Trapped with this brain that does not ever allow me to enjoy anything, anything at all.

Trapped in a situation that seems impossible. No matter which way I will choose, I will not be able to enjoy anything.

If I choose to gain weight, I will feel ugly; will not be able to look at myself anymore, will despise myself, will not enjoy a moment of this vacation.

If I choose to not eat, I will not enjoy a single time at a restaurant or café; although, I know I won't enjoy it either if I decide to do what everybody else does. My mind ever stops worrying, never stops being guilty, never stops making me feel despicable. Not one single moment. It never relaxes.

My husband came in while I was eating a bag of candy feeling horrible with every single piece I ate and despising myself for eating it but not being able to stop. He entered the room and told me that I was standing there entranced enjoying what I ate. Oh no, I was not enjoying a single bite, not at all. It was the complete and entire opposite. But I could not stop.

I should be excited about this unimaginable adventure that we are embarking on, but ALL I can think about is my body and my weight.

I hate it. I am trapped and I can't get OOOOOOUT.

P.S. Since I wrote this blog post, I have gained 4.5 kilos, which was necessary for my health and (which my gynecologist told me in round terms last week) for survival. However, the time frame was too short for my mind to be able to cope with it.

2 months...

It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17^th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…

Taking the first and most important step

A few weeks ago, I FINALLY admitted to myself and to the people around me that I have an eating disorder and that I have had it for about 15 years or so.

It is a shameful thing to admit.

There are different causes of anorexia. I never thought that I looked too fat or wanted to be a model or anything in that direction. I have just always been terribly scared of not being accepted for who I am.
My weight is what defines me. It is who I am. I am thinking about what food and exercise 24/7 and have been doing that for more than a decade. I worry about it every second of the day.

Like I said, my goal has never been to be skinny because I thought that it looked nice. Being skinny is just the result of trying to prove my body wrong, of trying to be as strict with myself as I possibly can, of trying to show my family that I was good at one thing: staying in shape.

But I am exhausted. It has gone too far. I can`t live like that anymore.
I can honestly tell you that I cannot remember EVER enjoying a single meal WITHOUT thinking of the consequences, without thinking about a way to get rid of it. It is a prison and I just now realized that this isn`t normal, that it cannot be the way to live life.

I need help. I need it fast. I know that now.

It is time to start the battle against my eating disorder.