Icing on the Cake

If you want to know the story behind this picture, check back later! 
Now, I am off to have dinner with my husband. 
C ya. 

Prayer request

I have never done this, but today is an important day for my husband as he is having a difficult meeting. 
I would really appreciate it if you could say a prayer for him and keep him in your thoughts. 
Thank you so much! 

A peculiar couple

Andreas and I had a MAJOR breakthrough on the weekend.

We COOKED TOGETHER... for the very first time.

You may ask yourself, why is this such a big deal and why did it take us this long?
To be quite frank, it is all my fault.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was even too self-conscious to empty the dishwasher when Andreas was in the kitchen.
Cooking with Andreas was not going to happen. The fear of being judged was just too strong. I was so scared of making a mistake.
After all, I have been told my whole life that I was doing everything wrong, that I was just too stupid to live and that I was just a girl.

Andreas always cooked for me, but I could not be in the kitchen, did not want to know what exactly was in the sauce that I was eating, how much cream he used or how much milk. I feared that I would eat less or that I would start counting calories again.
Even though Andreas cooked for me, he never ate with me. He, too, did not want to change his eating habits. This was of course a huge obstacle for me too. It was weird to eat alone, when he was just sitting there drinking his coffee. But I ate nontheless and we talked and had fantastic conversations. I am not sure why he decided to start eating with me, what the final push was, but I am thrilled that we can now both start working towards being a "normal" couple with "normal" eating habits.

We had talked about cooking together for quite some time, but only managed to do so on Saturday.
We prepared everything matched popatoes from scratch. And cooked liver, stewed onions and green pepper. It was super yummy and will be one of my favorite meals for all time.

desert... ;)

hmmmmmm

our attmept at eating civilized ended rather abruplty... but it was soooo goood.

“I have eaten so much,
Not a leaf more I’ll touch, meh! meh!”

I will share what we made on Sunday in an upcoming blog post. And I am sure that there will be tons of those cooking stories in the future. Let me know if you are interested in a "cooking section" and I will continue to take pictures of what we ate or even journalize the different steps of preparing the meal. 

Lost & Found

A year ago today I flew back home from LA after I watched the series finale with my fellow LOST friends at the Orpheum theater. I left the city of angels taking with me a multitude of memories, laughter, tears, melancholy, new found friends and a heart full with gratitude and bliss.

A year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen, how my life was about to change. I had no idea that only 5 days later I would write an email to a guy called Andreas. I had no idea that only 8 days later I would call this guy for the very first time, talking to him for hours and hours as if we’d known each other forever. I had no idea that only 10 days later I would travel to Zürich to meet Andreas for the very first time, that I would move in with him only 13 days later and that I would get engaged mere 16 days after this incredible event in LA.

And even though I had no idea what exactly was about to happen, I knew that a new phase, a new chapter of my life was about to begin.

I remember sitting on the plane alternately laughing and crying listening to the final episode of The Transmission over and over again.

At the beginning of the series LOST, I was more lost than each and every single one of our beloved characters. Looking at my current situation, it would appear that I am now just as lost as I was back then, but I will have to disagree.

I have been found in so many ways.

I have been found by my husband, by love, by a bit more confidence, by acceptance, by the courage to fight, by the strength to let go.

There is one thing I will never let go off, though. I will never let go of my friends. Not ever. LOST has changed my life (and I am sure that you have read this sentence so many times in connection with this series that you are getting sick of it; but, what can I say?!, it is the truth!) for ever and I will eternally be grateful for all the chances, all the changes, all the friendships, all the trips, all the hours and hours of podcasts, all the new dimensions, all the new universes, all the new experiences that LOST has given to me. LOST has taken me to Kentucky, to Raleigh, to NYC, to LA and to Hawai’i. LOST has opened the world of social media to me and with that, it has given me an idea of what I want to do in life.
And, in the end, LOST has paved the road for the marriage that I am now blessed with. 

Disturbing the idyll

Yesterday morning, my feelings were so overwhelming that I made an issue of VOGUE suffer...

After that outburst of aggression, I broke down in tears and was sobbing in my husband's arms for what felt like an eternity. It felt good to let it all out. 

Natasha Bedingfield performane at Jelmoli in Zürich

Natahsha Bedingfield performed a 20-minute gig in a luxury department store in Zürich to promote her new album "Strip Me Away". 

Andreas and I found out about it on Monday, by accident. 

Being the music fanatic that I am, I got excited immediately and Andreas agreed to go with me. 

I am soooooooo glad we went. Natasha was phenomenal. I loved her from her very first single, but hearing her voice live was far better than I had imagined. Even though she only sang a few songs, Andreas and I were both more than impressed. What a voice, what a presence on stage, what a nice young lady! I am in awe of her now so much more than I ever was before. Natasha definitely rocked the house with only her voice and a guitar. INCREDIBLE. Kudos to her!!!! She is a true artist.

I had to think of Sarah Rader (I miss her so much, BTW) and how excited she was when she saw Nathasha in concert. 

My husband & Father Roderick

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

So, this morning, I was listening to episode #782 of "The Break" with Father Roderick and around the 43 minute mark, I heard that my husband dedicated an episode to me. 

First, I thought I had misheard what Father Roderick was saying, then I started to tremble. I was so touched that my husband would think of something like this, that he knows how much it would mean to me. Words cannot express how grateful I am.

One of my idols, a person I look up to in so many ways, talked about me and the things Father Roderick said are still surreal to me.

OMG!

This will forever be one of the highlights of my life. I cannot count how many times I have listened to this part of the episode already and I will listen to it over and over and over again. 

Thank, Andreas. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!! I have THE BEST husband in the WOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!!

And thank you, Father Roderick, for believing in me, for encouraging me and for praying for us.

I am beyond honored to know that you are thinking of me. 

The meatball bunny

Flashback to Easter Saturday..... Woooooosssshhhhhhhh


I had racked my brains for weeks over what I could give my husband for Easter.
In our family, it is tradition to do an Easter egg hunt with a basket of chocolate bunnies and eggs. Even though we are all grown up now, we still have a blast searching for our Easter baskets.
Since I totally messed up on my husbands’ birthday – the first birthday of his we celebrated together. I had been too weak to buy him a present, had felt too empty to write him a love letter or even a Birthday Card. This is no excuse and I know I hurt him and will eternally regret it.

However, this isn’t a blog about his birthday, but about his Easter gift.

The crazy guy that he is, my husband does not eat chocolate. (Believe me, peeps, I still cannot fathom it.... hehe). So, the usual Easter eggs and bunnies were out of question.

Andreas loves meat, but I just could not figure out how to include meat in an Easter basket.

On Easter Saturday night, I had the brilliant idea of piecing together a bunny of meatballs.
It was not easy to hide my plan from my husband, especially since it seemed quite suspect to him that I went to the grocery store so late on Easter Saturday.

On Sunday morning, I finally just told him that I needed him to write and design our Easter cards and that he could not, under any circumstances come downstairs to the kitchen. This kept him occupied long enough for my mom and I to start our little project. We decided to create the bunny ears using cheese, which is on the other rare things he loves. Rarely did we have so much fun in the kitchen. My daddy roared with laughter and my mom and I giggled like little girls.
We had such a blast that we decided to not only create 2 bunnies for his Easter basket, but also a third one with hands and feet for breakfast.

My mom and I were so proud of our creation... hehe

When Andreas was finally allowed to come downstairs for Easter breakfast the air was filled with anticipation.
 Needless to say, he loved his surprise and ate the first bunny right away.
I have no idea where I found the inspiration for this meatball bunny, but I am beyond grateful to have found a way of giving a little gift of appreciation tot he love of my life.

Andreas with his bunny at breakfast

Easter basket

Alone at the Sanatorium

With all that has been going on, I did not even have the time to tell you what has been going on with my health.
The situation with Amy affected me in such a way that I lost 6 pounds from Thursday to Friday and I am now at a critical weight again. 
As an anorexic, the first thing you do when you cannot deal with a situation or when something bad happens, you stop eating. 
Now, I tried my best and asked for all the help I could get possibly get; I forced myself to eat as much as possible, but - objectively seen - it was not much, not much at all. 
Of course, I was devastated on Friday morning, called my father sobbing, talked to my therapists crying my tears out, because I am working so hard and this is the result I get.
I was so mad at myself, so horribly, horribly disappointment and ashamed of myself. Why can't I just be "normal"? 


I had planned on spending the weekend at home, had been looking forward to finally have some time with my husband again, but the doctors and the team advised me strongly to stay here. 
So,  I spent my very first weekend here in Kilchberg & I was only one of 3 patients on my station. Last night, I was even alone and I have to admit, I quite enjoyed it. I needed the calm, the "ME time" and the comfort of the silence. I loved having my room for myself. 


However, I spend all day yesterday with my husband. He came over at around 9am and we had breakfast together here at the clinic. It was wonderful and felt so good to have him visit the ward and be part of it for a while. My spirit was definitely uplifted. 
He brought me those beautiful flowers. Aren't they just gorgeous? The color is amazing, isn't it? 

He was there for me all day long, running errands and helping me to distract my thoughts. And the best part is that he will be here again in just a few minutes. :) 

HAPPY EASTER MONDAY!

Today is a holiday in some countries too and I am one of the lucky ones to live in one of those countries.
I am not quite aware of the religious meaning of Easter Monday, but maybe one of you can help me out?! I`d really appreciate it!

Anyway, it is a gorgeous day and I hope I can spend some time outside with my husband. We have both been very active this morning doing all kinds of housework. 
I have been up since 6am, cannot sleep in anymore. I really don't know why. I wish I could sleep in until noon like I used to... Oh well, who am I to complain, it is a holiday after all.


For those of you who have to work; I wish you a not too stressful day and for the lucky ones: I wish you a wonderful day and hope you can relax a bit!

Wrapping up my Cameroon story

My sister is leaving for Cameroon in a few days and I still haven't finished all my posts about our trip…

I won't bore you with travel details anymore, but will try to summarize the last week in one post.

Ok, let´s try this:

After our time in Kribi, we found a driver who owned a pick-up truck with which we could master the 4-hour drive through the jungle to Ebolowa (it was AMAZING!) to spend a day at La Comice, the biggest agricultural fair in Cameroon. Ebolowa was the city I liked the most. It was very modern and not too big, quite clean and not too far from the capital, but still really close to the jungle. 

On Sunday Andreas and I took the bus to Limbé and spend 4 very intense days that definitely brought us closer together.
Limbé is a small beach town in the Anglophone part of Cameroon, however I had the feeling that the Limbeans neither spoke English nor French. It was quite amusing.
We stayed at a hotel in the Botanical Gardens, enjoyed even more delicious food, walked around the various markets and spent most of our time sitting at the Atlantic Ocean letting the mind wander. I had a feeling of freedom that I hardly ever experience.
The Limbeans astonished us. We had been a bit worried about traveling alone because of the color of our skin, but we were welcomed with open arms. Unlike the people in Yaoundé, the Limbeans waved at us, smiled at us and made us feel at home. It made everything even more special.

I was a bit heartbroken when we left.

We returned to Yaoundé on our 6 months wedding anniversary, which we celebrated with Valerie and Joseph at the restaurant we went to when I was sick. 

The last day in Cameroon was filled with tears, wistfulness and the attempt to soak in as much of the African way of life as possible. Andreas and I went to mass before we headed to the airport. The parting was really, really difficult and almost nobody could hold back their tears (it was, of course, especially painful for my sweet sister).
I cannot believe how much time has passed since then. Craaaazy.

Thinking and writing about this journey now makes me want to go back again. I think I will have to find a way to fit into my sister´s luggage. lol

"La vie est la drogue."

Can you believe that it is already March? 
Where did February go? What have I done in this month? What happened to the first 2 months of this year? Wow.
And I still have so much more to tell you about our Cameroon trip.
So, while I am trying to wrap my mind about the fact that 1/6 of the year is already over, I will take you all the way back to January.

On our 2nd day in Kribi, we went to a Pygmie village and to the Lobé Waterfalls.

It was a very controversial trip that sparked a lot of discussion among us.
 

We boarded a pirogue and enjoyed a wonderful, quiet ride on the Lobé River. After about 30 minutes, we arrived at the Pygmies village. We walked around for a while before the chief of the tribe showed up. Our guide commented on the fact that the chief was clearly drunk with the words:
"Sa vie est la drogue." And that drug is called palm wine.

Despite drinking hard wine the way we drink water (even the babies drink nothing but wine and mother's milk) and eating hardly anything, walking 100 km a day is not unusual for the chief who is about 60 years old. However, he cannot be sure of his own age because they obviously do not have any kind of birth certificate and they do not have to go to school or any other official institutions. So, the mother determines the age of the child. They can get older than 100 years despite their self-destructive behavior and way of life. 

The chief of the tribe was much smaller than me (I'd say he was about 1.40m tall), but his children and grandchildren were already much taller. So, it is clear that this type of people won't exist much longer.

I am not certain about the morals of going to that village, walking around and watching them as if they lived in a zoo. On the boat ride back to the landing place we had a lively discussion about the morally, Christian and humanly "correct" thing to do (if such a thing even exists), and we did not come to a conclusion; quite naturally. I have to admit that my curiosity, my thirst for knowledge and my fascination for other, alien cultures won and I looked into their huts and I talked to the chief with the help of our guide who also served as a translator.

Since I was 11 years old, I have been reading many, many autobiographies about people who grew up in cultures so different from ours that it is almost impossible for us to even fathom their way of life. So, I have always been fascinated with this subject. My husband does not and did not understand my "behavior"; he could not look into their huts because it goes against his principles and he felt 'very' uncomfortable' during our time in this village. He is probably the better human being for that, I was just captivated by everything I saw.

In the end, it is up to each individual to decide what he thinks is justifiable. What are your thoughts?



The Day (and more) in pictures:

New beginning

Today is the first day of the new semester and it feels weird to be back in my university.
I have been lethargic all day yesterday, crying all night and was in a really bad mood this morning. I am a routine kind of girl. I like routine, I thrive on routine and it is always hard for me to adapt to change; however little it is.
I stayed in my pyjamas all day yesterday thinking about everything that happened in the last 2 months. It feels like an eternity. All the changes inside and outside, the travelling, celebrating Christmas, New Year`s, fighting with my body and mind, the creative wave I have been riding on, spending all this wonderful time with my husband, having soooo many ups and downs in my personal development; how can all of that fit into such a short amount of time?
And yet at the same time, I wanted to do so much more. I had planned on working and experimenting with Photoshop, Dreamweaver, InDesign etc., wanted to create a new wordpress website or even design my own website, clean my computer and organize my pictures. Oh well, I am human and can`t do it all.

Even though this semester just began, it migh be a short one for me. More about that in a later post.  

... we have to live with the consequences of our choices!

... and make the best of it.

Well, Andreas and I ate so much of that meat prepared with Cameroonian spices that we were sick on Sunday and Monday. Especially I was the one who felt as sick as never before. I will spare you the details; let's just say that it wasn't pretty... Every time I caught my reflection, I startled: I totally looked like a drug addict or a living dead with huge black rings under my eyes. 

However, since we expected to get sick at some point, we were prepared. Also, the fact that my mom is a pharmacist helped with our first-aid kit. :)
We talked to Joseph’s mother and sisters and they told us that even locals would get sick from these special kinds of spices. The only thing that was a tiny bit unnerving was the fact that we still did not have any water at home. So, we decided to go up to Mont Fébé and spend the day at the pool there. It wasn’t ideal, but we could at least use the restroom…

It was an especially beautiful day, but I don’t think that I even noticed the wonderful view of Yaoundé on that day.

At the end of the day I felt so sick that I had no scruples anymore. When I saw that there were couches in the very fancy restaurant we went to, I decided to change the table and lay down while the other three were enjoying their delicious dinner. By the time we got home, I couldn’t even walk on my own anymore. I was so very lucky that we had to postpone our trip to Kribi for 2 days; I would have never been able to travel for 4 hours as we had planned.

On Monday we felt a bit better and we had water again, so we could take a shower! YES!!!!! :D

Since Joseph had to go to a meeting, which could take an hour or 5 (time is irrelevant in Cameroon), Valerie, Andreas and I took it easy. We had breakfast and then strolled around a beautiful garden in the center of Yaoundé, “Le Jardin d’Amour”, where all the young couples spend their time.

It is still very uncommon for lovers to show affection in public, kissing is basically a no go and holding hands is also seen as reprehensible. Being gay is still considered a punishable offense. So, one has to be careful walking around kissing or holding hands. A lesson, Andreas and I had to learn the hard way. But you have to respect the customs and points of view of the country and just adapt in order to not offend the locals. 

The rest of the day was rather quiet except for the fact that I had a fit of laughter while standing under the shower soaped from head to toe and the turned off the water – again. Supposedly for 5 minutes, BUT this being Cameroon, I decided to use mineral water instead in order to not catch a cold and it was the right decision as it took them about 50 minutes… The best thing about it was that the family knew that I was taking a shower and they still went ahead and turned the water off, instead of waiting 3 more minutes until I was done. I thought it was hilarious. We could learn something from their serenity.

The day in pictures:

Cameroon Continued... Day 2.

The second day of our trip was one of the most eventful.

After breakfast we went to the market close to the Muslim quarter of Yaoundé to buy some fabric for the Christmas gifts that Valerie and Joseph had promised us: a shirt for Andreas and a dress for me.

This market was UNBELIEVABLE. I don’t think I have ever seen so many, many people and cars in between, such chaos, so many colors, so many different smells and so much noise.

We did not take the camera with us, so I don’t have any pictures of this market (it would have been too dangerous because of thieves), but I found one on the internet; just to give you an impression. 

Armand, our driver, did the miraculous and found us a parking spot (I have never seen a person back into a parking space more skillfully!!!) and so we went on our quest for some fabric. Again, it wasn’t easy to enjoy what we were seeing because of the slight harassment. I have never seen so many beautiful kinds of fabric. They have patterns that are totally different than those that we are used to. We had decided before that it was best to buy the same fabric for Andreas and I and, even though, the variety was enormous, we decided on the same fabric within just a few minutes. Valerie was amazed and could not

Joseph and Armand.

believe it. We are true soul mates. Hehe Andreas also found a highly qualitative fabric for a suit.

After that, I also got some sandals that would fit the dress and then we went on.

We were amused to see that while we had been gone, our car had been used as a stand for sponges; but since we needed them anyway, it was quite convenient. LOL

I still have that sponge and use it to train my broken thumb… 
 
After that, we went to the Muslim quarter and bought all kinds of meat with special spices. It was fascinating to see how they cooked and prepared the meat right in front of our eyes. Thank goodness that we are no vegetarians, but Valerie felt a bit queasy because of the smell and the blood.

Buying lunch.

Trying typical Cameroonian food.

We spent a long, long time sitting in a bar on a balcony eating the meat we had just bought; I have to stress again that I tasted things that I had always refused to try and it tasted so very good.  




Andreas and I like it hot (*cough cough*) and so we had to live with the consequences of this fondness on the next day… But more about that later.

At the tailor.

Armand drove us around town for a while (he and Andreas got along perfectly without speaking each other’s languages; it was so cute!) and I think we saw almost the entire city. We stopped at the tailor to get measured and to order our cloths. The tailor was super nice and kind and we were both thrilled and already anxious to see the finished products… Yes, we are both quite impatient. 

Then the day took a slight turn to the sad side. This is an anecdote that I would like to share, just to show you how much of a difference between white and black there still is. It was such an honor for Armand, the chauffeur, to drive us around on that day that he insisted on introducing us to his family. His wife had just moved out and he wanted to ask her to come back home with their children.  Can you believe that he thought he would have a better chance of convincing her, just because there were 3 white people with him? I am still shocked about this worldview and, I may be very, very naïve, but I had no idea that people still thought that way. I had no idea that it was such an HONOR to be surrounded by “les blancs”.  This had me thinking for many days and I still cannot grasp it.

This impression was reinforced later that evening when we went to a restaurant called Café de Yaoundé, where we sat in a beautiful garden surrounded almost exclusively by whites…

Impressions of the day*:

 

Don’t look at the pictures if you do not want to see dead animals!

Home Improvement

Last Sunday, my husband added the final touches (well, at least for now; I still have some ideas LOL) to what I can now call "our" apartment.

When I moved in here, Andreas lived in a typical bachelor flat. It was VERY stylish, he hardly had any furniture (most of his stuff was standing on the floor) and no storage room whatsoever.
He did not even have lights, which was not a huge problem during the summer months, but when fall and winter came around, this had to change. While Andreas always claimed that he really disliked direct light and just didn't need it at all, I cannot live in darkness; especially because of my tendency to depression.
In the beginning, everything I had was a single drawer in Andreas' huge closet. Most of my stuff was stored under the coach or the bed. As time went by and as I started to really get settled in Zürich, I could not take it anymore. I did not feel at home at all.
In October we finally went to Ikea and bought some furniture: a desk, several closets, cabinets, a sideboard for the TV, shelves and LAMPS. We spent almost 7 hours in the Ikea store and it was not easy to find a compromise, but in the end, we were both happy.
We were making progress...
It took a while before we had another free weekend to set up the furniture and we had tons of fun. We both felt a rush thinking about the fact that we were creating OUR first home.
Again, we had long discussions about the best way to arrange everything and it turned out just right.

I cannot put into words what a huge difference it made for me to have something in the apartment that Andreas and I had chosen as a couple. It felt like "our" apartment for the very first time (and I had not even realized that I had been missing something for all those months). Andreas was very skeptical at first, but he absolutely loves it now. There is nothing better than having created something together, even if you have to make compromises and even if you don`t get exactly what you thought you had wanted. The result is so much better for your soul when you cooperate; "our" feels so much better than "mine". :)

Well, Christmas came around, then New Year's, then Cameroon and now Andreas finally had the time and nerves to put up the lamps and look how awesome they are:

Let there be light... and it only took 8 months…

(We have more, but I did not take any pictures of them yet.)
I could scream with pleasure when I press the light switch and something actually HAPPENS. hehe
I liked the apartment from the very first moment, but NOW I feel like I am at home here. 

The evolution of our home:

P.S. Andreas cannot live without light anymore either. He gets crazy when it is too dark now. WHAT a change. Love seems to really change everything. ;)

Shame

I am sitting on a train to German (once again) and I am sobbing.
My jeans is as tight as never before and I cannot describe the physical pain I feel from that realization.
At the same time, my husband is getting thinner and thinner every single day and this is putting an IMMEASURABLE pressure on myself.
It is crazy and I cannot wait for Thursday to finally have an appointment with a psychologist.
I am so ashamed. The shame I feel is overwhelming. The shame of having gained weight. The shame of gaining weight while my husband is losing weight.
What will people think? How will they judge me? What will they think when they see me the next time?
I am so ashamed. 
Thursday cannot come soon enough.

Gummibären

... and THEN (maybe 15 minutes after I wrote this http://intercontinentallife.blogspot.com/2011/02/trapped_08.html), I experienced the following:

Andreas & Gabrielle

Gabrielle (the cute baby girl of on of Joseph's sisters) had been scared of Andreas from the very first moment she saw him. She screamed as loud as she possibly could every time he came near her (I am not sure if she had ever seen a white man before).

But when Andreas gave her a few Gummibears we had brought with us for the kids, she was at first skeptical, looked at her mom and did not rely know what to do. After a few moments she took one and ate it and from that moment on, Andreas and Gabrielle were practically inseparable for the next two weeks.

Food, healthy or not, unites people. It can break barriers, its language is universal. When I think back over the last 2 weeks, I notice that we had the most wonderful conversations during breakfast, lunch or dinner. I just wish my mind would not have wandered back to this dark, dark place all the time.

I will never forget this moment; the moment when Gabrielle started to trust and like Andreas -
just because of a handful of Gummibears...

As time went on my mind started to relax a bit. The thoughts were still omnipresent, but the voices weren't as loud as they were and are in Europe.

The reason for this is quite certainly the fact that I was not surrounded by this evil, harmful and sick media world that is almost unavoidable in the western world. Women care about the way they look like in Cameroon too, but the pressure is not even slightly as extreme as it is here.

The other reason is that my mind had just too many other impressions to process to dictate and direct my thoughts into the "anorexia" direction.

P.S. I was told a few times that women whose husbands do not have a "big belly" are viewed as bad wives.

Trapped.

I had totally forgotten about this blog post I wrote on the 1st evening in Yaoundé.

I wrote it after watching "The Black Swan" while we were relaxing for a couple of hours and will just post it now - more than 3 weeks after I wrote it... But it doesn't matter since the feelings and the anxiety is still omnipresent.

Here it is:

I feel trapped; trapped in this body that just keeps getting bigger and bigger, despite all my efforts.

Trapped with this mindset that makes me think I am constantly, second by second, gaining weight.

Trapped with this brain that does not ever allow me to enjoy anything, anything at all.

Trapped in a situation that seems impossible. No matter which way I will choose, I will not be able to enjoy anything.

If I choose to gain weight, I will feel ugly; will not be able to look at myself anymore, will despise myself, will not enjoy a moment of this vacation.

If I choose to not eat, I will not enjoy a single time at a restaurant or café; although, I know I won't enjoy it either if I decide to do what everybody else does. My mind ever stops worrying, never stops being guilty, never stops making me feel despicable. Not one single moment. It never relaxes.

My husband came in while I was eating a bag of candy feeling horrible with every single piece I ate and despising myself for eating it but not being able to stop. He entered the room and told me that I was standing there entranced enjoying what I ate. Oh no, I was not enjoying a single bite, not at all. It was the complete and entire opposite. But I could not stop.

I should be excited about this unimaginable adventure that we are embarking on, but ALL I can think about is my body and my weight.

I hate it. I am trapped and I can't get OOOOOOUT.

P.S. Since I wrote this blog post, I have gained 4.5 kilos, which was necessary for my health and (which my gynecologist told me in round terms last week) for survival. However, the time frame was too short for my mind to be able to cope with it.