Blessed

They say that you find out who you`re real friends are when they stay with you, even in hard times.


Well, I am the most blessed girl in the world because I have tons of family members and REAL friends who did NOT turn their backs on me  when they heard about my issue.


I have been showered with love, encouragement, thoughts, the kindest words, prayers and even gifts and blog posts.


I have the best and most wonderful, understanding husband in the entire world. He has been at my side throughout these awful weeks and months and I feel awful doing this to him. But we both know that our marriage will get better and our bond will only grow stronger because together we can and will get through this. 


My family (especially my incredibly strong mom and my beautiful sister) encourages me in every step I take. I could have never done it without them.


A few days ago, I received a package from Belgium! Winnie sent me a CD of Christian Ingebrigsten, her favorite artist, as a way of encouragement. I was speechless when I received this gift and I am listening to the album on repeat. Winnie, this is exactly my kind of music! Awesome. Thank you so much! 


Speaking of speechless, I do not know what to say about Alison devoting a blog entry to, mostly because I haven`t been able to read through more than the first few lines. I find it so very hard to read positive, flattering things about me or to even receive compliments. I know that Alison does not take this the wrong way and I will read it eventually, step by step; but, like I said, reading that people see me in a positive light is not easy for me... But, nontheless, when I saw a new blog of Alison`s in my reader and went ahead to read it, I was touched beyond words that she would take the time to write about me again. Thank you, Alison! 

Read Alison`s fantastic blog here:

http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-312-open-one.html

not just because of the one post about me. ;) It is REALLY worth your time.

All the words of encouragement that reached me through twitter, email, facebook, letters, by phone and in person are overwhelming; especially knowing that most of you have your own very heavy burden to carry. And a special thank you for those who make me laugh. As they say, "laughter is the best medicine". 


Ich danke Euch allen von HERZEN. I would have NEVER dreamed of this issue being taken so well and of receiving so much support. I would have never dared to even think of such a thing.


I now know that, next to my family, I HAVE REAL FRIENDS; something I also had given up hope on a long time ago.  

Wrapping up my Cameroon story

My sister is leaving for Cameroon in a few days and I still haven't finished all my posts about our trip…

I won't bore you with travel details anymore, but will try to summarize the last week in one post.

Ok, let´s try this:

After our time in Kribi, we found a driver who owned a pick-up truck with which we could master the 4-hour drive through the jungle to Ebolowa (it was AMAZING!) to spend a day at La Comice, the biggest agricultural fair in Cameroon. Ebolowa was the city I liked the most. It was very modern and not too big, quite clean and not too far from the capital, but still really close to the jungle. 

On Sunday Andreas and I took the bus to Limbé and spend 4 very intense days that definitely brought us closer together.
Limbé is a small beach town in the Anglophone part of Cameroon, however I had the feeling that the Limbeans neither spoke English nor French. It was quite amusing.
We stayed at a hotel in the Botanical Gardens, enjoyed even more delicious food, walked around the various markets and spent most of our time sitting at the Atlantic Ocean letting the mind wander. I had a feeling of freedom that I hardly ever experience.
The Limbeans astonished us. We had been a bit worried about traveling alone because of the color of our skin, but we were welcomed with open arms. Unlike the people in Yaoundé, the Limbeans waved at us, smiled at us and made us feel at home. It made everything even more special.

I was a bit heartbroken when we left.

We returned to Yaoundé on our 6 months wedding anniversary, which we celebrated with Valerie and Joseph at the restaurant we went to when I was sick. 

The last day in Cameroon was filled with tears, wistfulness and the attempt to soak in as much of the African way of life as possible. Andreas and I went to mass before we headed to the airport. The parting was really, really difficult and almost nobody could hold back their tears (it was, of course, especially painful for my sweet sister).
I cannot believe how much time has passed since then. Craaaazy.

Thinking and writing about this journey now makes me want to go back again. I think I will have to find a way to fit into my sister´s luggage. lol

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.

2 months...

It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17^th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…

The sad episodes of 2010.

While this year was filled with SO MANY HAPPY, BLISSFUL moments and exciting adventures, we also had to deal with 2 very unexpected and particularly painful losses.

On August 1st, my grandmother passed away. She was … years old and fell asleep in her bed. She was not in pain; she did not die in a foreign hospital bed, but in the house that had been her home for decades.

Not having her around on Christmas this year was brutal, especially for my father. But I miss her terribly and there are so many things I regret NOT having talked to her about. She died 6 days after I got married and never even met my husband.

I have never lost someone that close to me and it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I don‘t know how I‘ve made it through the funeral. All I remember is wanting to spare my dad all his pain. I would have done anything not to see him suffer so very much.

I remember how happy she was when she heard that I had decided to come back from the WILD WILD WEST (LOL). She always felt uneasy about the thought of her granddaughter living so far away. [I often wonder what she‘d say about my sister being in Africa now… She‘d be „not amused“]

I remember our very last phone call and how much fun we had, we joked around about the stock market (for whatever reason…), my dad and so much more. It is a stupid thing to say, but it was a GOOD last phone call.

Up until the very last moment of her life, she was witty, had my kind of humor and interested in everything, she knew about sports, politics, and the daily happenings in the world. I loved the discussions I had with her and I could always learn something for life.

I go and visit her grave from time to time and just talk to hear for a few hours. It feels good to have a place to visit, but I will always regret not having seen her more often in the last year.

Rest in peace, Mimama. I love you and I will ALWAYS miss you.

Then, later this month, while Andreas and I were on vacation in the Dominican Republic, we got a phone call telling us that my grandfather‘s older brother had suddenly passed away at the age of 91.

I am not sure how much I should share about him on this blog. So, all I will say is that he was a great, loving, kind, intelligent man, mentally and physically fit, even at his great age.
He too, will be deeply missed.

Losing Mimama and Uncle Hans showed me again that you should and are not allowed to ever take anything or anyone for granted. Everything can be over in the blink of an eye.

Our Semi-African Christmas

mom with her African dress and authentic Cameroonian mask

I have written before about the fact that my little sister has fallen in love with Africa. She is spending 6 months in Yaoundé, Cameroon and came home for 2 weeks because she wanted to spend Christmas at home. I have wanted to create a blog for her to
share all her exciting experiences and adventures and eventually I will come around to it. Anyways, she brought all kinds of interesting, fascinating, awesome presents.

As you can see, the whole family had fun dressing up as African women. The dresses were so comfortable that my mom really didn't want to take hers off anymore. I am pretty that she is going to start a new trend wearing only those specific dresses.

my cousin, Valerie, my dad and mom with their Cameroonian cloths

Mama(s) Africa

The dresses were so comfortable that my mom really didn't want to take hers off anymore.



Also, in honor of Valerie's adorable boyfriend, who couldn't join her and who was terribly missed, we decorated our tree in the colors of the Cameroon flag (its colors are red, green and yellow; so, it wasn't too hard to decorate the tree in those colors..).

Bon voyage, petit sœur!

My sweet little sister,

I wish you a safe flight and a happy reunion with Joseph!

Andreas & I will miss you and see you in 2 weeks!!!

ton ange gardien

Time flies...

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since I took this picture:



I picked my sister up at the airport in Zürich. She came home for Christmas after spending a few months in Cameroon. I remember being so excited that I hardly slept the night before.
And now it is almost time for her to leave again. :(
I know she has fallen in love with a fantastic, loving, very handsome and smart guy and she is looking forward to going back to Yaoundé, but I will miss her terribly.

The last 2 weeks have been anything but harmonic in our family (brother...), but she is my constant source of strength, hope and balance.
I admire her bravery and wish her all the happiness in the world.

She is and will always be my little "baby". :)