The sad episodes of 2010.

While this year was filled with SO MANY HAPPY, BLISSFUL moments and exciting adventures, we also had to deal with 2 very unexpected and particularly painful losses.

On August 1st, my grandmother passed away. She was … years old and fell asleep in her bed. She was not in pain; she did not die in a foreign hospital bed, but in the house that had been her home for decades.

Not having her around on Christmas this year was brutal, especially for my father. But I miss her terribly and there are so many things I regret NOT having talked to her about. She died 6 days after I got married and never even met my husband.

I have never lost someone that close to me and it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I don‘t know how I‘ve made it through the funeral. All I remember is wanting to spare my dad all his pain. I would have done anything not to see him suffer so very much.

I remember how happy she was when she heard that I had decided to come back from the WILD WILD WEST (LOL). She always felt uneasy about the thought of her granddaughter living so far away. [I often wonder what she‘d say about my sister being in Africa now… She‘d be „not amused“]

I remember our very last phone call and how much fun we had, we joked around about the stock market (for whatever reason…), my dad and so much more. It is a stupid thing to say, but it was a GOOD last phone call.

Up until the very last moment of her life, she was witty, had my kind of humor and interested in everything, she knew about sports, politics, and the daily happenings in the world. I loved the discussions I had with her and I could always learn something for life.

I go and visit her grave from time to time and just talk to hear for a few hours. It feels good to have a place to visit, but I will always regret not having seen her more often in the last year.

Rest in peace, Mimama. I love you and I will ALWAYS miss you.

Then, later this month, while Andreas and I were on vacation in the Dominican Republic, we got a phone call telling us that my grandfather‘s older brother had suddenly passed away at the age of 91.

I am not sure how much I should share about him on this blog. So, all I will say is that he was a great, loving, kind, intelligent man, mentally and physically fit, even at his great age.
He too, will be deeply missed.

Losing Mimama and Uncle Hans showed me again that you should and are not allowed to ever take anything or anyone for granted. Everything can be over in the blink of an eye.

Our Semi-African Christmas

mom with her African dress and authentic Cameroonian mask

I have written before about the fact that my little sister has fallen in love with Africa. She is spending 6 months in Yaoundé, Cameroon and came home for 2 weeks because she wanted to spend Christmas at home. I have wanted to create a blog for her to
share all her exciting experiences and adventures and eventually I will come around to it. Anyways, she brought all kinds of interesting, fascinating, awesome presents.

As you can see, the whole family had fun dressing up as African women. The dresses were so comfortable that my mom really didn't want to take hers off anymore. I am pretty that she is going to start a new trend wearing only those specific dresses.

my cousin, Valerie, my dad and mom with their Cameroonian cloths

Mama(s) Africa

The dresses were so comfortable that my mom really didn't want to take hers off anymore.



Also, in honor of Valerie's adorable boyfriend, who couldn't join her and who was terribly missed, we decorated our tree in the colors of the Cameroon flag (its colors are red, green and yellow; so, it wasn't too hard to decorate the tree in those colors..).

Bon voyage, petit sœur!

My sweet little sister,

I wish you a safe flight and a happy reunion with Joseph!

Andreas & I will miss you and see you in 2 weeks!!!

ton ange gardien

Time flies...

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since I took this picture:



I picked my sister up at the airport in Zürich. She came home for Christmas after spending a few months in Cameroon. I remember being so excited that I hardly slept the night before.
And now it is almost time for her to leave again. :(
I know she has fallen in love with a fantastic, loving, very handsome and smart guy and she is looking forward to going back to Yaoundé, but I will miss her terribly.

The last 2 weeks have been anything but harmonic in our family (brother...), but she is my constant source of strength, hope and balance.
I admire her bravery and wish her all the happiness in the world.

She is and will always be my little "baby". :)

My favorite Christmas Present

I know I am repeating myself, but I just have to say it again:

My very favorite Christmas Present this year came all the way from the United States:
JOpinionated (http://jopinionated.blogspot.com/) was so kind to send me one of her awesome LOST pins!

I loved receiving this envelope because it just represents the awesomeness of the LOST community.

I mean, who would go through the trouble of mailing such a tiny pin all the way from the US to Europe?

It makes me so happy and grateful to be part of this community that will hopefully last forever.

Thanks again, Jo!

You can follow Jo on twitter @jopinionated.

that time I jammed my thumb in my car door

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE A BIT SQUEAMISH. THIS ENTRY CONTAINS SOME GRAPHIC, DESCRIPTIVE LANGUAGE AND PICTURES THAT ARE NOT TOO PLEASANT TO LOOK AT.

So, last night, after spending my afternoon at McCafé because it is the only place where I have access to the Internet here near my hometown (long story), I drove home looking forward to spending the evening doing nothing but watching mindless TV or reading my book, I slammed my car door on my thumb. I have no recollection of how I managed to close the door with my right hand and at the same time jam my right thumb, but I did. All I remember is looking at my hand slowly realizing that I could only see half

of my thumb. It really was like in a move, everything happened in slow motion. I was half expecting to see half of my thumb on the ground after opening the car door again.

Well, after the initial shock, I dropped my Macbook and purse, ran to the front door, which was of course shut (which is quite rare). I rang the bell like a madman, praying someone would open the door.

After a minute or so, my mom finally opened the door yelling at me for being so rude and for making such a fuss. Her behavior changed the second she saw my thumb. Believe me, it was not pleasant to look at and it HURT like hell.

She forced me to hold it under cold water while ran to get my dad. He took one look at it and told me to go to the emergency room because it looked broken (my dad’s a general practitioner). I first refused to go because I thought it was only bruised and all I wanted to do was l lay down and close my eyes for a minute.

But my mom would not hear a word of my “reasoning” and so we drove to the emergency room, were admitted by a super rude nurse (who

I had already known from one incident where my brother hit me so hard I had to go to the emergency room to see if I was ok) and had to wait quite some time before we finally saw a doctor. He, in turn, was very nice. I had to have X-rays taken, which took another hour or so and then a different doctor told me that my thumb was indeed broken and that I had to wear a splint for the next 10 days. Ugh. I have a tiny wound that they had to glue together. The second doctor wanted to suture it but I told him that it wasn’t necessary. He listened to me. lol

my tiny splint

Now I have to run around with this splint which is disabling me in all kinds of ways. I can’t even really brush my teeth. Thank God that I do not live alone. LOL But I feel like a toddler… I already cannot wait for those 10 days to be over.

The pain isn’t too bad. I am just mad at myself for being so stupid and breaking my own thumb.

For those who don’t mind seeing blood and gross, broken thumbs, here are some pictures I took while I was bored waiting sitting in the waiting room. I don’t think the photos are too bad, but John should probably NOT look at them.

New Website, New Name?!

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about my life between Germany and the US.
Well, things have changed - COMPLETELY.
I am now searching for a new title for my new website.
I know that there are some creative people out there. Maybe you can help because I am drawing a blank.

So, PLEASE, help me with some suggestions.
I'd really, really appreciate it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

FRÖHLICHE WEIHNACHTEN

TO ALL MY CONSTANTS

OUT THERE!

There is one person who I am especially grateful for:
JOpinionated;
who is one of the most amazing, kindest ladies EVER!
She sent me one of her famous Lost pins

all the way from the States!
I couldn't have been more excited about
that Christmast present, Jo!
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

A Trip Back To The Future of The Internet by NPR: Science Friday Podcast

In 1993 Science Friday was broadcast live over the internet as the first national radio show ever. Last week, they released this recording as a podcast. It is an episode that is definitely worth listening to.

It reminds you of how fast times have changed and of how we take the Internet for granted. Dou you ever think about what an astonishing invention it really is? Can you remember the time before we had the Internet? I hardly can. The questions, comments, reactions and excitement of the host and callers are so funny and kind of cute. If only they had known how much the world was about to change...

Here's the link: http://www.npr.org/rss/podcast.php?id=510221

Happy Friday, everybody!

The Pure Awesomeness of My Mami!

A few weeks ago my parents came to visit me and my husband (it was the first time my dad hd been to our place) to bring me some necessities for the impending beginning of winter. [I still haven‘t really moved; 3/4 of my belongings is still in my old room in Germany]

It‘s just like my mom to not onlythink of of the few things I had asked her for, but to also bring tons of groceries (she always thinks that I am not getting enough food - no matter where I am; I have no idea how many times she sent enormous boxes with all kinds of delikatessen to the US to make sure I was eating), some newspaper articles, magazines, some letters I had received and this:


„Do not open before December 1st.“

Can you guess what was in this package?


I am a huge child when it comes to my Advent Calendar. Every year, I get giddy with excitement when I think about opening one of those tiny 24 doors every single day.
To me, the chocolate in those calendars is better than any other chocolate you can possible imagine. It must be sentimental, because, as we all know, it is not high-qualitiy chocolate. Or maybe it is the simplicity of it?! Whatever it is, I love it.
Needless to say, I was super excited when I saw that my mom had thought of me and my weakness for Advent Calendars. I really had not expected this and was quite touched.

Being the well-behaved daughter I am, I did not open this gift until this morning (December 1st). And, guess what, she gave me 2 (!!!!!) chocolate calendars.





So, I get to open 2 doors every day now!!!

My inner child is as happy as can be.

THANK YOU, MOMMY. I wish you could have seen the HUGE smile on my face when I saw those calendars.

HAPPY DECEMBER, MY FRIENDS!

Nobody's Listening

[I wrote this blog in about 5 minutes in a completey stream-of-consciousness way. So, please excuse my poor English and the lack of structure.]

I just listened to the last episode of the Nobody‘s Listening Podcast, almost 4 months after it was recorded (on my birthday, just FYI) and tears are streaming down my face.
I remember the night I read James‘ tweet implying that the show was going to end. I remember how I tried to hold back my tears back then. I had just met my then-fiancé and did not want him to believe that I was a lunatic who was crying because of the end of a podcast. Well, I did not succeed. I cried for many, many hours. (I am pretty sure he had never even heard of a podcast was until he met me.) I cannot believe he still married me after seeing my reaction...

After this announcement, I stopped listening. I wanted to cherish every single of the last 8 episodes. In a way, I wanted the show to never end and by not listening those episodes, I could reach that goal. However, my curiosity and the fact that I needed some good old middle school humor (:P) got the better of me and I started to listen to those episodes yesterday morning and I am so glad I did.

Especially the very last episode brought back so many wonderful memories. I laughed so hard, which brought back those oh´so´familiar weird looks from other people I used to get all the time while listening to nclast.

John, you are my rockstar, you always know how to make me laugh and brighten my day. I consider you one of my best friends and couldn‘t be more thankful to have gotten to know you through the various social interwebs. Your impression of Aaron Neville was one of the most hilarious parts of nlcast EVER!

Trevor, I remember so many instances, where I cried tears of laughter because of your stories (elevator action (of course), your wedding story (or better, Sonia‘s wedding story), Princess trevor etc.) or, yes, I will admit it, the way you were treated by James.

James, oh James. Where would I be without you?
You saved my life. Literally. Nobody‘s Listening was one of the first podcasts I listened to. During that time, I was suffering from a major depression and I do not know if I would still be alive had it not been for you and this podcast. I often randomly remember some of the very first stories you told with Amy or David. Those anecdotes were, by far, the best. Thank you for making me lie on the floor laughing when everything around me seemed to fall into pieces.

You are also a prime example of the way you can turn your whole life around, no matter how awful your childhood and upbringing was. I will always be in awe of you.
You have created something very special, James. Something that many, many people will always remember.
Nobody‘s Listening will always have a very special place in my heart.
I listened. I always have. I will never forget.

Thank you, James, Trevor and John!

More snow!

I still cannot get over the fact that I am actually excited about this. I don't know what my husband did, but EVERYTHING has changed since I met him. I did NOT like winter, I did NOT like Advent (it made me lonelier and more depressed than I already was) and I did NOT like snow.

NOW, I get emotional, listen to Christmas music and just stand at the window watching the snowflakes fall down. Isn't it beautiful?

I wish you all a great start to the week!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

My Facebook highlight of the month.

I had to look twice when I saw you "liked" my comment on facebook the other day.



CARRIE PRESTON!!!!!

After the initial shock, I started giggling like a little girl, walking around with a huge smile on my face for hours.
I was incredibly excited.
I know, she is just a person like everybody else, but then again, she is not. It's Carrie Preston, as in MICHAEL EMERSON's WIFE as in "the fantastic actress who played Ben's daughter on Lost".
I have no clue why she chose to "like" this specific post though...

Well, who cares, right?
Needless to say, she made my day.

3rd wedding "monthiversary'

Disclaimer: This is a total scream of consciousness post, and I realize my grammar and vocabulary suck, but hey, I am German and trying to do my best. After all, this is practice too. :)

So, here I am more than 2 weeks after making a big deal of telling you all that I'll write up my story of meeting Andreas and getting married so fast, and I haven't had a minute to sit down and write a single line.

I started attending the most beautiful university (and love it so very much!) and my husband decided, more or less out of the blue, to start his own business. He got an opportunity he couldn't pass. It's quite nerve-wrecking, to say the least.

3 months ago yesterday, Andreas and I got married. We spent the evening at home reminiscing how much has happened since we've met, how it feels impossible to be only 3 months have passed since our wedding, but at the same time we couldn't believe it HAD already been 3 months... It feels like we've been living in our own flash sideways world, living in both timelines, so many things have happened.
"... because TIME ... is a fickle bitch..." (that's for all my Losties, slightly varied)

The day I met Andreas, June 4th, started out perfectly nice. It was a Friday.
I had just come back from LA where I had the time of my life (a trip I WILL eventually have to blog about, I don't want to forget all the wonderful things that happened) and was "in between jobs".

As it was the first summery day in Germany and I had some time off before doing an internship at a radio station, I decided to spend the day relaxing outside reading a good book and getting a tan.

That was before my brother somehow found out about my LA trip, went berserk, first terrorized my sister (don't ask my why, since it wasn't her who had the audacity to fly to LA for a very special party with her super awesome friends ON HER OWN DIME), then me (I'm going to spare you the details; it was a nightmare, one of the worst of this sort).

Valerie and I practically flew. I had the time to grab a purse, that was it. We were both in a state of shock and didn't know what to do next.
Valerie decided to go to visit our cousins. Andreas and I had been talking on the phone for some days, so I called him and told him that I'd come to Zurich that evening. Very matter-of-factly.

Valerie dropped me off at the train station and here I was, on my way to my biggest adventure yet, without having the slightest idea...

I'll never forget the moment Andreas picked me up at the train station. It was love at first sight. Totally cliche, but so so good.

.... to be continued.

THANK YOU!

Sooooo, now that the cat is out of the bag,
I know I owe you all an explanation.

But first of all,
I would like to thank you all so very much for your warm wishes!
It means a lot to me. I received so many touching, wonderful, sweet, hilarious and kind comments, messages, emails, DMs etc. that I teared up and laughed out loud many, many times.

However, there was also a lot of confusion.

I will do my best to find the time to tell you what still feels like a fairy tale.

Why did I wait so long to share the news?
How was the wedding?
WHO IS "THE GUY"?
Why so fast?
What's the story? etc.

Being a crazy Lostie, I will most likely uncover the mystery in true Lost fashion.
The next blog posts will be a mix of flashbacks, flashsideways, flashforwards and current events.

However, no promises can be made as to how long this will take me and when I will start.
There is SO MUCH going on that I am quite a bit overwhelmed right now.

Just so much: It will be worth the wait...

SHOCKER!

MARRIED!!!!

... to be continued!

Invictus

A few weeks ago, I saw the movie "Invictus" about Nelson Mandela and they recited the following poem several times. I loved it and I can't get the words out of my head; especially the last 2 lines.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

Aren't those words super powerful? I always get goosebumps reading it.

Also, Invictus is a fantastic movie! Go, watch it!

Unexpected circumstances

Sometimes everything comes different than you thought and expected.
But this is not always a bad thing.

Don't Stop Believin'!

Dreams DO come true.
Mine did!
You just have to hold on to your dream; no matter what people say.

My favorite bible quote!

I always get goosebumps when I read this:

1 Corinthians 13,4

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Switzerland it is!!!!

Decision made.
More coming soon!

The seeminlgy endless battle begins again.

USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?
USA?
Germany?

what will it be? HELP!!!!!!

Change.

A few days ago, I looked like this:





















Then, on Saturday morning, I looked like this:














And, finally - 11 hours later (!!!) my transformation was complete:

It's going to take some time to get used to it. But, after changing so much inside, I needed to change outside as well.

There's sooooo much I want to do!

Now that I am back in Germany and my (quite boring -except for one day-) internship has started, I have had a lot of time to think about my life and my future.
When I received the offer to go to nursing school here and work at a hospital at the same time, I was super excited. Having a few months left until it starts, I feel like I have the security to dream about what else I could do.

I'd love to study media and communications, get a degree in journalism, study politics, IT, computer science, become a midwife or a personal trainer.
I know that I'm all over the place, but I can always dream, right?
Why media? I have always loved television. Always.
In order to be accpeted at a university, I'd have to do an internship in that field. So, I've applied for jobs in production companies. We'll see if I'll hear back from them.

I love computers, I'm good with technical stuff, so programming would be something I'd love to do too.

midwifery: I love babies and I think that assisting at a birth is one of the most wonderful things. It's a miracle. But this job asks a lot and is emotionally draining.

As you all know, I love working out, so being a personal trainer would be a way of pursuing my passion.

I wish there was more time to do everything.

Adams

Today I read George Saunders' short story "Adams". It's amazing; if you haven't read it, go read it NOW.

AIDA

I've been listening to a lot of music again, which I haven't done ever since I discovered podcasts.
However, lately I've fallen in love with musicals again, most of which I hadn't listened too in years, but I'm still able to quote every single line since I know them so well.
this one line spoke to me while I was running on the treadmill last night:
AIDA: "I shall not envy lovers or long for what they say...."
and yet I do. *sigh*

Struggling with God

I have been baptized as an infant, grew up with all the stories of the bible, I have had religion in school, I was taught how to pray and praise God, had my communion when I was 14 years old and have been going to church (now voluntarily) more and more regularly the older I got.
I am and have been a believer, but I have always challenged what I was told and taught. And I have always had many doubts. Doubts about all the injustice, all the hurt, all the anger, war, hunger, evil, illness, and so on. Why would a God who loves us allow all of us to have to suffer in so many horrible ways? Why?
Why did he let my brother do all the horrible things he did to me, why was he not there to help the little 3-year-old girl who needed his help so badly?
I know we all have free will and we are responsible for our life, our choices, our actions, but if he is a good God, why didn't he nudge someone in the right direction, send a signal, just do something?
Right now, I am struggling with God because, again, he is putting me through a situation that I have gone through a while ago. And again I am asking myself: why me? why again?

Yesterday, while I was working out, the song "Written in the Stars" of the musical AIDA was played, and I cannot stretch enough how much the lyrics spoke to me:

Are we paying for some crime
...
Or some God's experiment
In which we have no say
In which we're given paradise
But only for a day

Exchange the 'we' to 'me' and you have exactly what I feel right now.
I was given this glimpse of "paradise" last Sunday.
It was just one single, simple moment during which I didn't feel "broken", but felt whole and calm, and maybe even a bit happy.
However, this one moment was followed by a week of horror and agony.
I know that I am not strong enough to go through so much suffering again. Why?
Why am I denied happiness? Why am I denied contentment? I am trying so hard and always have, but it seems that it is just not enough.

As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place, but this is what's going on in my head right now.

Running, running, running.... Running Away?

Over the last few months I have been traveling between 2 continents and several cities. I have had different jobs, ideas & thoughts about my future.
But basically, all I have been doing was trying to run from myself. And that, unfortunately, does NOT work.

Job training.

This is not how I thought my first blog update would be like, but I'm in a hurry and I just wanted to let you all know what is going on regarding the job training that I was accepted for.
I was accepted at a nursing school in Heidelberg, Germany. I will be able to attend school, work in the hospital and get my bachelor's degree at the same time. But the best thing is that I will be paid a significant amount of money.
I'll start the job training on October 1st, so it's still a long time until then, but they want me to do an internship in a hospital for a few weeks in summer.
I am super excited and still can't believe it. This means that I will leave the US again, which I am very sad about because it means that I am letting go of my lifelong dream. But I feel that taking this opportunity is the right decision.
Sometimes you find happiness and fulfillment in situations that you never thought you would.
The great thing is that I will be able to work in the US as a nurse with my degree. So, nothing is lost. And if I still have the desire to live in the US in a few years, I will be able to move to the right city, close to people who truly love me for who I am.