Moving on - in so many ways

.... but only one of those will be revealed tonight. 


I have FINALLY decided to just go ahead and move my blog (and more!!!) over to Wordpress. I have been procrastinating and I have had all kinds of excuses for not doing it, but now I've had it. 
Goodbye Blogger, Hello Wordpress! 


It is a work in progress, but please check it out! 


There is a little surprise waiting for you. 

December 8th, Frankfurt am Main

Icing on the Cake

If you want to know the story behind this picture, check back later! 
Now, I am off to have dinner with my husband. 
C ya. 

Time for a new haircut ... again!

I will difinitely need some time to get used to it. 

Meet Annerexia

Annerexia is always hungry.

Annereixia does not allow herslef to eat.
Annerexia is terrified that everything is going to get out of control.
Annerexia is always grouchy.
Annerexia is always in a bad mood.
Annerexia is aggressive.
Annerexia hates people.
Annerexia hates the smell of food.
Annerexia is unhappy 24/7.
Annerexia thinks she only deserves to live is she is super skinny.
Annerexia knows she does not deserve to eat.
Annerexia is convinced that she is not allowed to enjoy life.
Annerexia is scared 24/7.
Annerexia is 100 % sure that everyone hates her.
Annerexia has nothing to offer the world.
Annerexia thinks about food all day long. 
Annerexia walks through the aisles of supermakrekts marveling at the delicious delikatessen for hours and hours.
Annerexia does not want to live.
Annerexia is hates Anne and wants to ruin her life.
Annerexia enjoys torturing Anne.
Annerexia loathes Anne.
Annerexia is growing stronger and is yelling louder the more Anne is eating.
Annerexia has the voice of Anne's brother. 

And I thought I was good with computers...

As I am venturing out into the world of podcasting, I am trying to build my first real website with Wordpress and the Thesis Theme. 
I always thought that I had technical talent, but I was proven more than wrong. 
The words Wordpress - Thesis Theme - Custom-Sample Folder - FTP - Cyberduck - Server - MySQL - Bluehost are supposed to have some kind of connection, but I cannot put them in relation to one another.
I have been working on this all day yesterday and even dreamed about it last night, but I just do not get it. 
I guess I need a step by step instruction of what to do. 
I am so mad at myself because I want to move forward and finally start my project, but I am stuck. I feel like I am walking around with a huge question mark hovering over my head. 


This whole process is made even more difficult by having to do it in English. 
If anyone is willing to help and guide me, I would be eternally grateful.  

Prayer request

I have never done this, but today is an important day for my husband as he is having a difficult meeting. 
I would really appreciate it if you could say a prayer for him and keep him in your thoughts. 
Thank you so much! 

Mushroom, garlic and red pepper cream sauce.

Just a few more stirs until perfection... 

The mystery behind Lady Gaga's "Scheiße"

The mystery is there is no mystery at all.
Gaga clearly does not sing German.
She says that she can't speak German, so she just makes up some words...
Sorry that I cannot reveal any secrets.

Sunday

On Sunday, we got up rather early in order to drive to my home village. As you can see in the pictures below, I had to wear my glasses during the last few days because I lost my contacts. Since contacts are much more affordable in Germany, we had ordered some and had them sent to my parents. So, we decided to take a trip and spent half of our Sunday in the car... (thanks again to my lovely husband who went with me without being grouchy). The fantastic thing is that even just sitting in the car for 5 hours on a BEAUTIFUL, sunny, hot Sunday is nothing but fun when Andreas and I are together. These little things show me over and over again how lucky we are.

We didn't tell my parents that we were going to visit them, so they were quite surprised. Thankfully my brother wasn't there, so we could really enjoy the short amount of time with them. 

When we came home, we were almost starving and prepared our thitherto most delicious meal:
Salmon steaks, mashed patotoes with truffle oil and sautéed mushrooms (I have never eaten them before, without being forced) and peppers in cream sauce. Everything was topped with fresh truffles. 

Ready to go!

 They better be good. 

The taste of this truffle was better than I could ever describe.

Hmmm, peppers and hmmm garlic.

Maître d'Anne

The truffle oil gave the mashed patotoes the perfect flavor.

Putting the finishing touches to it. 

The picture of the finished sauce just did not want to be uploaded tonight. So, stay tuned. 

A heck of a weekend

We celebrated our 1st anniversary in the same restaurant we had dinner last year. It was fun to remember how things had changed in those 12 months. Being back at this restaurant reminded me of how fresh everything was at the beginning, how different our dynamic was, how Andreas used to prepare breakfast for me before he went to work, how he showered me with presents (like my beloved green iPod shuffle which I lost in the last few days. *sad face*) and how excited we both were to have found each other. Thank God that we haven't forgotten the unfathomable luck we have. 

Anyways, I digress...

We had the most delicious food ever and both ate truffles (which gave us the idea of what to cook on Sunday) and were both able to enjoy eating in the middle of the day, something that is a HUGE deal for us, as we have never really been able to do just that.

After lunch we went on a boat trip on Lake Zürich. It was awesome. We sat in the sun (both getting a bit sunburnt) for 1,5 hours just being in love, not thinking of anything, leaving the clinic, work, all the issues  of everyday life behind us. 

It was a wonderful day. A day that will give me the strength to take the next big steps on my way to health. 

If you want to know what we did on Sunday, check this site again later today. 

Big Bang

Exactly one year ago at 5pm I met my husband, the man of my life. And, oh my, what a year it has been. We have had so many ups and downs, there were so many obstacles thrown in our path, be it parents who didn't attend our wedding, money problems, anorexia sticking its head out again, work issues or university struggles. We have mastered it all much better than I could have ever hoped for. 
We are more than ready for our 2nd year of relationship and I am sure that we will grow even more with every challenge that comes our way. 


This quote by Paulo Coelho describes the year that lies behind us perfectly. 


“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.”


Life does not look back and neither do we. 


I love you, Andreas! 

CALLiversary

A year ago yesterday, my husband and I talked on the phone for the very first time. 
I remember it as if it were yesterday. We talked for almost 3 hours about everything and nothing. Despite this very in-depth conversation, we could not have known what was about to happen, how our lives were about to change. 

This is what I got for our CALLiversary:

You may say that this is not a very romantic gift, but I have to disagree. I have enjoyed the few times we cooked together so very much that I was incredibly excited about this present. Who would have EVER thought that I'd enjoy cooking???!!! It is quite funny how times change, isn't it?

Thank you, Andreas, for this wonderful present and I am looking forward to a lifetime of wonderful hours in the kitchen together with you! 

2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Closing Chapters No. 2

A few weeks ago, I started with my first challenge: I threw away my little girl cloths.

On Monday, I closed a second chapter: I cleared my locker in my old gym, a place where I had spent 3-4 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week for months.

I had postponed this task again and again, always finding an excuse in order to not having to face that situation.

When I walked into my gym (accompanied by my husband), I had ambivalent feelings.

On the one hand, a part of me felt melancholic and yearned for the „good old times“ (although, those times weren’t good at all). This place felt like home to me for such a long time and it had become part of my identity. I have to admit that I was quite tempted to put on my gym cloths and go upstairs for just one final workout (as if this would have been it...).  Walking to my locker seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar voices, part of me felt lost and was mad that I had given up this place. I rush of memories and feelings came back to me, including the way I felt before my workouts and the way I felt afterwards.

 And it was here that the other, more rational part of me took over. Despite feeling happy, proud and strong after my workouts, I remembered the terror, the pressure and the burden I felt before my workouts. I remembered how I entered the locker room so many times, hardly able to walk, feeling dizzy and weak and not knowing how in the world I could make it through my workout. I thought of how much time I had wasted on the treadmill, on the elliptical on those bikes etc. I remembered almost crying, feeling like I was about to get sick because of the enormous task ahead of me. Why did I torment myself in this dimension?

I do not miss these side effects of my disorder and I hope that the healthy part of myself will kick in and take over more and more space of my brain, helping me find a balanced way of exercising.

On the way down in the elevator, my bag of workout cloths in hand, I felt a huge sense of relief; relief that I had finally been able to overcome my fears, relief that I had closed yet another door.

iPhone + Bubble Bath = ?

You'd think that the result of this equation was clear. 
There'd be drama, tears, a broken phone and no way of replacing it without paying a fortune. 


However, the equation ends differently when it comes to Apple products. 
Sure, there is still some drama involved, there may even be some tears, but then you'd add an appointment at the Apple store on the very same day, a very competent Apple genius and the world would look just as fantastic as it did before trying to solve that equation...

Aaaahhhh, don't you just LOVE Apple?!


P.S. Just because this equation worked once, I will make sure to never ever try to solve it again!!! 

A peculiar couple

Andreas and I had a MAJOR breakthrough on the weekend.

We COOKED TOGETHER... for the very first time.

You may ask yourself, why is this such a big deal and why did it take us this long?
To be quite frank, it is all my fault.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was even too self-conscious to empty the dishwasher when Andreas was in the kitchen.
Cooking with Andreas was not going to happen. The fear of being judged was just too strong. I was so scared of making a mistake.
After all, I have been told my whole life that I was doing everything wrong, that I was just too stupid to live and that I was just a girl.

Andreas always cooked for me, but I could not be in the kitchen, did not want to know what exactly was in the sauce that I was eating, how much cream he used or how much milk. I feared that I would eat less or that I would start counting calories again.
Even though Andreas cooked for me, he never ate with me. He, too, did not want to change his eating habits. This was of course a huge obstacle for me too. It was weird to eat alone, when he was just sitting there drinking his coffee. But I ate nontheless and we talked and had fantastic conversations. I am not sure why he decided to start eating with me, what the final push was, but I am thrilled that we can now both start working towards being a "normal" couple with "normal" eating habits.

We had talked about cooking together for quite some time, but only managed to do so on Saturday.
We prepared everything matched popatoes from scratch. And cooked liver, stewed onions and green pepper. It was super yummy and will be one of my favorite meals for all time.

desert... ;)

hmmmmmm

our attmept at eating civilized ended rather abruplty... but it was soooo goood.

“I have eaten so much,
Not a leaf more I’ll touch, meh! meh!”

I will share what we made on Sunday in an upcoming blog post. And I am sure that there will be tons of those cooking stories in the future. Let me know if you are interested in a "cooking section" and I will continue to take pictures of what we ate or even journalize the different steps of preparing the meal. 

Closing Chapters No. 1

Part of my healing process includes actively closing doors that could potentially lead to picking up old habits again.

On Easter I threw away three bags of cloths, some of them older than 10 years.

It was a difficult task. I did not cry, but was often on the verge of doing so. I felt like with each shirt, pair of jeans, sweater or skirt I gave up part of myself. I had the impression of throwing half my life away.

Every single piece of clothing was connected to at least one memory, one event, something that made it special to me and definitely worth keeping it.

At the same time - holding on to these cloths would be like leaving a backdoor for my eating disorder open. Why would I need cloths that I wore when I was eleven or twelve?

Thinking about it rationally, it is “sick” to still have the same size as I had 12 years ago.

But isn’t it peculiar – in a good way – that my taste in cloths did not really change in all those years?! You can definitely see my mom’s influence on me in that fact. My mom has a very classical, timeless look and it seems like I adopted that, well, at least in part. I hardly ever went with the trend and wore whatever I liked, instead of what was IN at that time.

My anorexic part of the brain is extremely proud of the fact that I still fit in jeans that I wore 12 years ago. When I look at a picture of myself in front of the MGM Grand in 2001 wearing pants that are way too big now (and I was tiny back then), I can’t help but be thrilled.

However, when I really think about it, I realize that this is a rather sad fact: while every other girl in my class went through puberty and changed into a young woman, I stood still and stayed the same. I did not give my body the chance to develop and do what it is meant to be. I did not allow myself to become a woman and instead just stayed a girl- on the inside and on the outside. I did not allow myself to grow up.

I now know that I did this to protect myself. Growing up means taking control of your life, making your own decisions, standing on your own feet.

But growing up would have meant to deal with my brother, to stand tall against him and to

I wasn’t strong enough at that time to fight him. I did not have the courage to look him in the eye and make it very clear where his boundaries lie. So, I turned all my attention to my weight and my body and I got obsessed with it. It gave me a reason to live, but at the same time it gave me a perfect excuse to just mark time.

But I have had enough. I have the strength now to confront my worst fears and to grow up. I want to be a woman, not a girl anymore. And throwing away most of the cloths that I wore as a child and teenager is a huge step in the right direction. 

What color does your day have?

I had the weirdest dream on Tuesday night, a dream that is too complicated, too confusing and too complex to describe. Let’s just say it was a combination of my trip to Africa, LOST, the plane in the Hudson river and my marriage…
This dream was so powerful that it still lingers on in my mind, it still affects the way I feel today.
It is interesting how a dream can determine the color of your day, the mood, your feelings, the way you go about things etc.

So, the color of my day on Tuesday was orange, a very bright African orange. I cannot really explain it, but this color was omnipresent in my mind. Do you know that “feeling”? Do dreams ever affect you in such an enormous way?
On Tuesday I felt like I could die from melancholy, and it still has not really worn off. I miss my sister more than usually, I think about our trip to Cameroon all the time and I am homesick for Yaoundé, Valeries little house there and the time we spent there.

I have since dreamed quite a lot (last night I dreamed of Mad Men), but none of these dreams has had the same effect on me. So, my color of the day still remains the same.
I hope that it will change soon though. After all, I want to experience all colors of the rainbow and not just one.

The Hangover Parts I, II & III

When I came to the clinic, I had not been taking antidepressants for almost a year.
After a week or two of my treatment, I was feeling so “down” that I agreed to start taking a light antidepressant again. At first, I felt like this was a step back; I had been so sure that I had left the chapter of antidepressants behind and admitting to myself that I needed help in form of medication was difficult. I did not see it as the perfect solution.
However, it didn’t take too long for me to view this as a step FORWARD, a step towards “functioning” again. After all, taking an antidepressant at the present doesn’t mean that I will have to take it forever. What it does mean is that I feel better NOW and that helps me to take the steps needed in order to feel better IN THE FUTURE.

Due to my lack of sleep in the past few weeks and the horrible nightmares that have tormented me, we decided to replace my antidepressant with one that I could take at night (instead of in the morning) in the hope of helping me get my much-needed sleep.
And, oh boy, does it work. I have been sleeping like a rock, catching up on all the weeks of tossing and turning, of falling asleep around 1 or 2 am and waking up around 4 am.

However, as most things in life, this too comes with its side effects. The so-called hangover effect gets to me the most. During the last three days, I have been feeling dizzy, the world seemed blurry, my head has always seemed heavy and I have been feeling slightly sick. Plus, I have been feeling even more melancholic than usually. All in all, I have not been myself. So, if this post is a bit random, blame it on the meds…
But, since it has only been three days, I am confidant that these side effects will fade away and that I will feel like myself again in a few days.
And THEN the advantages will easily outweigh the disadvantages!!! :)

Lost & Found

A year ago today I flew back home from LA after I watched the series finale with my fellow LOST friends at the Orpheum theater. I left the city of angels taking with me a multitude of memories, laughter, tears, melancholy, new found friends and a heart full with gratitude and bliss.

A year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen, how my life was about to change. I had no idea that only 5 days later I would write an email to a guy called Andreas. I had no idea that only 8 days later I would call this guy for the very first time, talking to him for hours and hours as if we’d known each other forever. I had no idea that only 10 days later I would travel to Zürich to meet Andreas for the very first time, that I would move in with him only 13 days later and that I would get engaged mere 16 days after this incredible event in LA.

And even though I had no idea what exactly was about to happen, I knew that a new phase, a new chapter of my life was about to begin.

I remember sitting on the plane alternately laughing and crying listening to the final episode of The Transmission over and over again.

At the beginning of the series LOST, I was more lost than each and every single one of our beloved characters. Looking at my current situation, it would appear that I am now just as lost as I was back then, but I will have to disagree.

I have been found in so many ways.

I have been found by my husband, by love, by a bit more confidence, by acceptance, by the courage to fight, by the strength to let go.

There is one thing I will never let go off, though. I will never let go of my friends. Not ever. LOST has changed my life (and I am sure that you have read this sentence so many times in connection with this series that you are getting sick of it; but, what can I say?!, it is the truth!) for ever and I will eternally be grateful for all the chances, all the changes, all the friendships, all the trips, all the hours and hours of podcasts, all the new dimensions, all the new universes, all the new experiences that LOST has given to me. LOST has taken me to Kentucky, to Raleigh, to NYC, to LA and to Hawai’i. LOST has opened the world of social media to me and with that, it has given me an idea of what I want to do in life.
And, in the end, LOST has paved the road for the marriage that I am now blessed with. 

Moving (again)

Disturbing the idyll

Yesterday morning, my feelings were so overwhelming that I made an issue of VOGUE suffer...

After that outburst of aggression, I broke down in tears and was sobbing in my husband's arms for what felt like an eternity. It felt good to let it all out. 

Nightmares

The last 3 nights were horrible. I hardly slept and when I fell asleep for an hour or tour, I woke terrified and  soaked in sweat. 

In one single therapy session last week, we talked about my brother, then my husband and I went to Germany last weekend because I had an appointment for a manicure and pedicure. 

We had a fantastic Saturday, spent it outside in the sun, then we had a barbecue (well, everybody but me; I just couldn't eat it) and had planned to watch the Eurovision song contest together (of course just to make fun of it...).

Well, I am sure that you can guess what happened. After about 5 minutes, my brother (who I had no idea that he was even there) came into the living room, sat down and took control of the remote control. The atmosphere in the room changed in a heartbeat. 

I was in shock, paralized, and it took me a few seconds to reigster what had just happened. My HUSBAND, my MOTHER were sitting there with Valerie and I. Who the f**k (sorry) does he think he IS??? He is almost 27 years old and he has NO RESPECT. NONE. 

Valerie was the first to get up and leave. When I snapped out of my state of shock, I followed her, shaking, in a daze and all I could do was hide in my room under my blanket. I know my reaction is EXTREMELY hard to grasp and I wish there was a way to put into words what I was feeling at that moment. 

I lay there, mortified, humiliated, angry, sad and scared. My husband must have held me for hours. The evening was ruined. I fell asleep after a while because of the magnitude of the emotions.

Why am I telling you this? 

Well, ever since that evening, I am having nightmares and daydreams of all the horrible things that my brother did to me. But not only that, I have these feelings of being helpless, alone, defenseless, trapped and abandoned. 

Remnants of a sleepless night.

I KNOW that none of these things are true as everything has changed, but I am haunted by these nightmares and feelings. 

As a result, I can hardly eat, most of the time I stay in bed and read or watch TV. 

I completely underestimated how traumatized I still am. 

What bothers me the most it that I cannot really participate in the A-Z podcasting class because it creates just too much stress at the moment. I have been looking forward to this seminar for such a long time and now I have failed again. 

Most people in my family are insinuating that I am just having a self-pity party, which does not only hurt but also makes me feel like I am even a bigger loser and I already am. 

I hope that those of you who read my blog, believe me when I tell you that I AM DOING MY VERY BEST, that I AM FIGHTING as hard as I can and that I AM NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP. 

I am just being very, very honest. 

Natasha Bedingfield performane at Jelmoli in Zürich

Natahsha Bedingfield performed a 20-minute gig in a luxury department store in Zürich to promote her new album "Strip Me Away". 

Andreas and I found out about it on Monday, by accident. 

Being the music fanatic that I am, I got excited immediately and Andreas agreed to go with me. 

I am soooooooo glad we went. Natasha was phenomenal. I loved her from her very first single, but hearing her voice live was far better than I had imagined. Even though she only sang a few songs, Andreas and I were both more than impressed. What a voice, what a presence on stage, what a nice young lady! I am in awe of her now so much more than I ever was before. Natasha definitely rocked the house with only her voice and a guitar. INCREDIBLE. Kudos to her!!!! She is a true artist.

I had to think of Sarah Rader (I miss her so much, BTW) and how excited she was when she saw Nathasha in concert.