Nightmares

The last 3 nights were horrible. I hardly slept and when I fell asleep for an hour or tour, I woke terrified and  soaked in sweat. 

In one single therapy session last week, we talked about my brother, then my husband and I went to Germany last weekend because I had an appointment for a manicure and pedicure. 

We had a fantastic Saturday, spent it outside in the sun, then we had a barbecue (well, everybody but me; I just couldn't eat it) and had planned to watch the Eurovision song contest together (of course just to make fun of it...).

Well, I am sure that you can guess what happened. After about 5 minutes, my brother (who I had no idea that he was even there) came into the living room, sat down and took control of the remote control. The atmosphere in the room changed in a heartbeat. 

I was in shock, paralized, and it took me a few seconds to reigster what had just happened. My HUSBAND, my MOTHER were sitting there with Valerie and I. Who the f**k (sorry) does he think he IS??? He is almost 27 years old and he has NO RESPECT. NONE. 

Valerie was the first to get up and leave. When I snapped out of my state of shock, I followed her, shaking, in a daze and all I could do was hide in my room under my blanket. I know my reaction is EXTREMELY hard to grasp and I wish there was a way to put into words what I was feeling at that moment. 

I lay there, mortified, humiliated, angry, sad and scared. My husband must have held me for hours. The evening was ruined. I fell asleep after a while because of the magnitude of the emotions.

Why am I telling you this? 

Well, ever since that evening, I am having nightmares and daydreams of all the horrible things that my brother did to me. But not only that, I have these feelings of being helpless, alone, defenseless, trapped and abandoned. 

Remnants of a sleepless night.

I KNOW that none of these things are true as everything has changed, but I am haunted by these nightmares and feelings. 

As a result, I can hardly eat, most of the time I stay in bed and read or watch TV. 

I completely underestimated how traumatized I still am. 

What bothers me the most it that I cannot really participate in the A-Z podcasting class because it creates just too much stress at the moment. I have been looking forward to this seminar for such a long time and now I have failed again. 

Most people in my family are insinuating that I am just having a self-pity party, which does not only hurt but also makes me feel like I am even a bigger loser and I already am. 

I hope that those of you who read my blog, believe me when I tell you that I AM DOING MY VERY BEST, that I AM FIGHTING as hard as I can and that I AM NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP. 

I am just being very, very honest.