Nicola

Can I just say that Nicola is the best cousin in the world???!!!

I received this in the mail a couple of days ago.

Thank you, Nicola, for all your support, for your daily messages, for making me laugh, for continuously cheering for me and for not letting me give up. 

I love you deerly!!! 

Blessed

They say that you find out who you`re real friends are when they stay with you, even in hard times.


Well, I am the most blessed girl in the world because I have tons of family members and REAL friends who did NOT turn their backs on me  when they heard about my issue.


I have been showered with love, encouragement, thoughts, the kindest words, prayers and even gifts and blog posts.


I have the best and most wonderful, understanding husband in the entire world. He has been at my side throughout these awful weeks and months and I feel awful doing this to him. But we both know that our marriage will get better and our bond will only grow stronger because together we can and will get through this. 


My family (especially my incredibly strong mom and my beautiful sister) encourages me in every step I take. I could have never done it without them.


A few days ago, I received a package from Belgium! Winnie sent me a CD of Christian Ingebrigsten, her favorite artist, as a way of encouragement. I was speechless when I received this gift and I am listening to the album on repeat. Winnie, this is exactly my kind of music! Awesome. Thank you so much! 


Speaking of speechless, I do not know what to say about Alison devoting a blog entry to, mostly because I haven`t been able to read through more than the first few lines. I find it so very hard to read positive, flattering things about me or to even receive compliments. I know that Alison does not take this the wrong way and I will read it eventually, step by step; but, like I said, reading that people see me in a positive light is not easy for me... But, nontheless, when I saw a new blog of Alison`s in my reader and went ahead to read it, I was touched beyond words that she would take the time to write about me again. Thank you, Alison! 

Read Alison`s fantastic blog here:

http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-312-open-one.html

not just because of the one post about me. ;) It is REALLY worth your time.

All the words of encouragement that reached me through twitter, email, facebook, letters, by phone and in person are overwhelming; especially knowing that most of you have your own very heavy burden to carry. And a special thank you for those who make me laugh. As they say, "laughter is the best medicine". 


Ich danke Euch allen von HERZEN. I would have NEVER dreamed of this issue being taken so well and of receiving so much support. I would have never dared to even think of such a thing.


I now know that, next to my family, I HAVE REAL FRIENDS; something I also had given up hope on a long time ago.  

More than I deserve!

Today, I received a package from the US that brightened my day.
My very good friends Stephanie and Cliff from gspn.tv sent me a signed copy of Candace Cameron Bure's book "Reshaping It All". Cliff and Stephanie recently did an interview with the author for Family From the Heart, one of their many podcasts. Candace shared how she struggled with food and how she gained a healthy perspective, ultimately overcoming her disorder.
I knew that they would send me this book, because they mentioned it during the interview, but I still teared up - what else, right? ;) - when I opened the package. Having friends who care so deeply about me, is still unfathomable to me and it gives me more strenght and solace than I can express.
Cliff and Stephanie are not the only ones who pray for me, think of me, send me short notes and emails. Every single one of those messages reminds me of how blessed I am and they give me the energy to continue the path to health.
This army of friends and family cheering for me serves as a means of holding me accountable, of not letting me give up even when I feel like I am too scared or too exhausted to take the next step.

And that is truly invaluable.

I cannot wait to dive into this book. 

 THANK YOU, Stephanie and Cliff!

Here is a link to the interview:

http://gspn.tv/146-family-from-the-heart-candace-cameron-bure-interview/

OMG! Crystal Renn expresses exactly what I feel.

I cannot stop crying because she is putting everything I have everfelt and thought into words.

MENTAL TORTURE! It really IS nothing but MENTAL TORTURE. 24/7.

Do I have HOPE too?

2 months...

It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17^th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…

THANK YOU ISN´T EVEN ENOUGH!

The outpouring of love, support, understanding and encouragement that I have received after writing about my eating disorder is quite moving and unexpected.

I received so many messages on facebook, twitter, via email and in the comments section of the blog that it will take me some time to reply to everybody. But please know how much this means to me.

Knowing that you all care DOES help a whole lot and it gives me the strength to continue this difficult but necessary journey.

Every single one of you who reached out to me has truly make a difference and will continue to do so.