Lost & Found

A year ago today I flew back home from LA after I watched the series finale with my fellow LOST friends at the Orpheum theater. I left the city of angels taking with me a multitude of memories, laughter, tears, melancholy, new found friends and a heart full with gratitude and bliss.

A year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen, how my life was about to change. I had no idea that only 5 days later I would write an email to a guy called Andreas. I had no idea that only 8 days later I would call this guy for the very first time, talking to him for hours and hours as if we’d known each other forever. I had no idea that only 10 days later I would travel to Zürich to meet Andreas for the very first time, that I would move in with him only 13 days later and that I would get engaged mere 16 days after this incredible event in LA.

And even though I had no idea what exactly was about to happen, I knew that a new phase, a new chapter of my life was about to begin.

I remember sitting on the plane alternately laughing and crying listening to the final episode of The Transmission over and over again.

At the beginning of the series LOST, I was more lost than each and every single one of our beloved characters. Looking at my current situation, it would appear that I am now just as lost as I was back then, but I will have to disagree.

I have been found in so many ways.

I have been found by my husband, by love, by a bit more confidence, by acceptance, by the courage to fight, by the strength to let go.

There is one thing I will never let go off, though. I will never let go of my friends. Not ever. LOST has changed my life (and I am sure that you have read this sentence so many times in connection with this series that you are getting sick of it; but, what can I say?!, it is the truth!) for ever and I will eternally be grateful for all the chances, all the changes, all the friendships, all the trips, all the hours and hours of podcasts, all the new dimensions, all the new universes, all the new experiences that LOST has given to me. LOST has taken me to Kentucky, to Raleigh, to NYC, to LA and to Hawai’i. LOST has opened the world of social media to me and with that, it has given me an idea of what I want to do in life.
And, in the end, LOST has paved the road for the marriage that I am now blessed with. 

Wedding Day!

In less than 1 hour, two Colleen and Jay, friends that I have met through the TV show Lost and through the unlimited possibilities of new media, will get married. I could not be more thrilled for them. I have been thinking about their wedding for days. As I have secretly been counting the hours until their special moment, I remembered how I got to know them for the very first time: in Hawai’i.

Meeting Colleen and Jay (as well as Cindy, Jack and Cliff for that matter) in Hawai'i was one of the highlights of my life. I remember how nervous I was, my whole body was shaking. Interacting with them in person was even better than seeing the actors of Lost and the beginning of the end of the series at Sunset on the Beach. They were like my idols…

I will NEVER forget Jopinionated’s Lost meet-up. All I am saying is Mai Tais”… It was quite an amusing night. Additionally, it was the first time in my life I enjoyed a party, that I did not feel like I was bothering everybody and that I did not feel out of place. And I still cannot believe I did not chickened out because I had never met a single person who was going to attend.

Well, meeting Jay and Colleen was a dream come true.

Colleen & I in Raleigh, March 2010

Seeing them again in Raleigh later that year and then in LA for the Lost finale party was just as special and surreal.

I had been listening to their respective podcasts (the MetroBus & the Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack) for such a long time and they had become part of my close circle of friends (only in my head, of course), but then twitter came around and I could finally interact a bit with Colleen. Our friendship grew warmer over the years and even though it is super difficult to stay in teach living on two different continents, I feel like we have become close friends.

March 2010

I thank God for the opportunity of having met them and having had the privilege of spending time with them, talking to them, not being rejected by them. And I will always be grateful for the chance they have given me, a chance to realize that I am not “nothing”.

I stole Colleen's picture from Facebook..... muaaaahhhh

I remember the moment that I heard of their engagement. I just returned from a job interview in Heidelberg, Germany, and was on my way from the Atlanta airport back to Anderson, SC. I stopped to get some Diet Coke and to take a break. Of course, as is my obsession, I checked twitter and read all kinds of "suspicious" looking @replies congratulating Colleen and Jay. When I figured out they were engaged, I started to cry with tears of joy. I remember sitting in that car at the parking lot of Burger King celebrating that these two wonderful people had found each other.

Colleen, you are marrying into a family that is - no doubt - one of the warmest, most loving families ever and you are a hell of a lucky girl to have the soon-to-be parents-in-law. And Jay is not that bad either. hehe

I know that Jay cherishes you. I saw the way he looks at you, the way he talks about you.

Jay, please never forgot how lucky you are marry this awesome young lady; a woman who I have been looking up to for years. Colleen is not only breathtakingly beautiful, but smart, independent, competent, funny, thoughtful and caring.

I congratulate the two of you from the bottom of my heart.

Today begins a whole new chapter for you, as you will start your lives as one.

I know that this life will be filled with bliss and laughter and joy, as you will live happily ever after. ;)

I am sending you all my love and try to enjoy each and every single moment. I will be thinking of you!

Blessed

They say that you find out who you`re real friends are when they stay with you, even in hard times.


Well, I am the most blessed girl in the world because I have tons of family members and REAL friends who did NOT turn their backs on me  when they heard about my issue.


I have been showered with love, encouragement, thoughts, the kindest words, prayers and even gifts and blog posts.


I have the best and most wonderful, understanding husband in the entire world. He has been at my side throughout these awful weeks and months and I feel awful doing this to him. But we both know that our marriage will get better and our bond will only grow stronger because together we can and will get through this. 


My family (especially my incredibly strong mom and my beautiful sister) encourages me in every step I take. I could have never done it without them.


A few days ago, I received a package from Belgium! Winnie sent me a CD of Christian Ingebrigsten, her favorite artist, as a way of encouragement. I was speechless when I received this gift and I am listening to the album on repeat. Winnie, this is exactly my kind of music! Awesome. Thank you so much! 


Speaking of speechless, I do not know what to say about Alison devoting a blog entry to, mostly because I haven`t been able to read through more than the first few lines. I find it so very hard to read positive, flattering things about me or to even receive compliments. I know that Alison does not take this the wrong way and I will read it eventually, step by step; but, like I said, reading that people see me in a positive light is not easy for me... But, nontheless, when I saw a new blog of Alison`s in my reader and went ahead to read it, I was touched beyond words that she would take the time to write about me again. Thank you, Alison! 

Read Alison`s fantastic blog here:

http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-312-open-one.html

not just because of the one post about me. ;) It is REALLY worth your time.

All the words of encouragement that reached me through twitter, email, facebook, letters, by phone and in person are overwhelming; especially knowing that most of you have your own very heavy burden to carry. And a special thank you for those who make me laugh. As they say, "laughter is the best medicine". 


Ich danke Euch allen von HERZEN. I would have NEVER dreamed of this issue being taken so well and of receiving so much support. I would have never dared to even think of such a thing.


I now know that, next to my family, I HAVE REAL FRIENDS; something I also had given up hope on a long time ago.  

My new friend

Cats always know when you need someone, when you are in pain or lonely and desperate. 

Luna knew I needed her today, so she came and stayed with me for several hours and she consoled me, gave me the feeling of not being alone. 

Despite all the prayers, thoughts, the outpouring of love coming my way, there is nothing that can replace a physical hug or someone to hold on to. Luna was the one for me today and just a few minutes ago, when I hit a low point, a little someone jumped on my bed and snuggled up next to me.
How in the world does this cute little creature know just when her presence is needed?
Cats are mysterious...

the pictures did not turn out that great because of the backlight. Maybe I will take some more tomorrow...

More than I deserve!

Today, I received a package from the US that brightened my day.
My very good friends Stephanie and Cliff from gspn.tv sent me a signed copy of Candace Cameron Bure's book "Reshaping It All". Cliff and Stephanie recently did an interview with the author for Family From the Heart, one of their many podcasts. Candace shared how she struggled with food and how she gained a healthy perspective, ultimately overcoming her disorder.
I knew that they would send me this book, because they mentioned it during the interview, but I still teared up - what else, right? ;) - when I opened the package. Having friends who care so deeply about me, is still unfathomable to me and it gives me more strenght and solace than I can express.
Cliff and Stephanie are not the only ones who pray for me, think of me, send me short notes and emails. Every single one of those messages reminds me of how blessed I am and they give me the energy to continue the path to health.
This army of friends and family cheering for me serves as a means of holding me accountable, of not letting me give up even when I feel like I am too scared or too exhausted to take the next step.

And that is truly invaluable.

I cannot wait to dive into this book. 

 THANK YOU, Stephanie and Cliff!

Here is a link to the interview:

http://gspn.tv/146-family-from-the-heart-candace-cameron-bure-interview/

Learning from a friend

I just listened to last week`s episode of Balanced Living Weekly (http://gspn.tv/057-balanced-living-weekly-cruising-chickens-parsnips-and-much-more/). Cliff Ravenscraft shares in this podcast episode some memories of his recent cruise, his weight gain and how he enjoyed every minute of it, not once feeling guilty about eating too much.

This reminded me of how I took our bathroom scale with me on vacation when I was about 10 or 11 years old. Now, who does that at this age? Isn't that just crazy? I remember what a nightmare this vaccation was for the whole family. I wasn't just ruining our trip to the South of France for myself, I was making it almost impossible for my parents or my sister to have an enjoyable, relaxing time.
I was so concerned about my weight that a regular meal was impossible and dining out was a nightmare. I remember the fights I fought with myself, the yearning for a cup of ice-cream when everybody else was enjoying one, the wish to just eat what everbody else was eating. But I couldn`t. I just could not lose control.

So, even at the age of about 10, this issue did not leave my mind for a single minute.

I am so very glad that Cliff did what he deserves to do: he took a break from his everyday life and just took it easy. After all, this is what vacation is for. This is the whole reason for going away. And once you come back home, you are refreshed and fully energized, ready to have a bit more control and discipline about every asepct of your life again.

Who cares about a few more pounds if you spent a wonderful time with your family or friends? (In fact, writing this makes me feel so stupid because it IS so very trivial..) People and realtionships are what counts in life, not your weight. I regret how many valuable hours, days and weeks I have lost because of the preoccupation with food and I pray that I will be able to make up for all of it once I am healthy.

I hope that very soon I will be able to adopt Cliff`s mindset, because he figured out what really matters in life.  

P.S. I have been a gspn.tv Plus Member since 2008 (or was 2007?) and I have enjoyed every minute of their fantastic podcasts. If you haven`t done so yet (which I doubt), you should check them out:

http://www.gspn.tv/

Winnie

Last week, my sister and I met up with my good friend Winnie in Cologne.

Winnie had a break between semesters and had asked me a long time ago if I wanted to have a girl's trip for a few days. When Valerie had to come back home from Cameroon a month earlier, we decided to taker her with us.

Unfortunately, it was very cold during the 3 days in Cologne and on the last day, it was pouring with rain. So, we spent most of our time in cafés, restaurants and at Starbucks (*grin*) chatting about everything you could possibly think of. I was very happy to see that Valerie and Winnie got along really well right away. 

Winnie is from Belgium and I got to know her through gspn.tv a long, long time ago. We were among the first members of the wonderful community Stephanie and Cliff created through their podcasts.

Being the same age, having the same interests and very similar fears, thoughts and goals in life, I felt a deep connection to Winnie from the very beginning and our friendship has grown consistently over the last few year using social media networks like twitter and facebook. 

Naturally, we also did some sightseeing (the Kölner Dom is a must-see, incredibly impressive; I have seen it so many times, but it never gets old!); we went to the Chocolate Museum  (there is such a strong, delicious, yummy chocolate aroma in the whole factory that it almost drives you crazy. Hmmmm), walked around the town for hours braving the cold and on the last day, Winnie and I went to the Roman Museum while Valerie was looking at art in the Ludwig Museum. There was not a single dull moment as we were laughing and talking ALL the time.

This just goes to show you that relationships that you form over the internet ARE real, sincere and true; they aren’t superficial or imaginary as most people still claim. Winnie is a much better friend than some people I have known all my life. She has been a source of inspiration and encouragement and I could not imagine not having her in my life anymore. I really hope that we will find a way to meet again very soon; preferably in Belgium (I have never beeen there...).

Some impressions of our time together:

Interesting fact:

Ironically, it took the premiere of the last season of LOST for the two of us to meet for the very first time – in KENTUCKY. What a funny little world we live in...

Breakfast at Cracker Barrel with the gspn.tv community
in February 2010

Gummibären

... and THEN (maybe 15 minutes after I wrote this http://intercontinentallife.blogspot.com/2011/02/trapped_08.html), I experienced the following:

Andreas & Gabrielle

Gabrielle (the cute baby girl of on of Joseph's sisters) had been scared of Andreas from the very first moment she saw him. She screamed as loud as she possibly could every time he came near her (I am not sure if she had ever seen a white man before).

But when Andreas gave her a few Gummibears we had brought with us for the kids, she was at first skeptical, looked at her mom and did not rely know what to do. After a few moments she took one and ate it and from that moment on, Andreas and Gabrielle were practically inseparable for the next two weeks.

Food, healthy or not, unites people. It can break barriers, its language is universal. When I think back over the last 2 weeks, I notice that we had the most wonderful conversations during breakfast, lunch or dinner. I just wish my mind would not have wandered back to this dark, dark place all the time.

I will never forget this moment; the moment when Gabrielle started to trust and like Andreas -
just because of a handful of Gummibears...

As time went on my mind started to relax a bit. The thoughts were still omnipresent, but the voices weren't as loud as they were and are in Europe.

The reason for this is quite certainly the fact that I was not surrounded by this evil, harmful and sick media world that is almost unavoidable in the western world. Women care about the way they look like in Cameroon too, but the pressure is not even slightly as extreme as it is here.

The other reason is that my mind had just too many other impressions to process to dictate and direct my thoughts into the "anorexia" direction.

P.S. I was told a few times that women whose husbands do not have a "big belly" are viewed as bad wives.

2 months...

It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17^th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…

Luisa

Today is my sister's best friend's 20th birthday.
We have know Luisa since Valerie was 11 years old and she has enriched our lives ever since. She is a kind, quiet, humble and brilliant girl.Luisa is one of the brightest people I have ever met. She can do EVERYTHING and she does it with an ease that is almost scary. She has always been the best student in class having no problems with any subject. She can paint beautifully, she writes, she is good with kids, she is great at athletic sports, speaks many languages and is always there for others.
And the weird thing is that you don't hate her for it. LOL

A little while ago, one of Luisa’s short stories was published in a book called “A Day On The Planet”.Thousands of people from all over the world wrote and sent in stories about their experiences, their thoughts, their actions on 09.09.09. Only 100 stories written by people like you and me from 45 countries were chosen and kept as a document of history. I am so proud of Luisa for being part of this. Her story is touching, deep, thoughtful and moving. She is a promising, young talent , in my humble opinion.
For now, the book is only available in German; however, there will be an English version.
I will keep you updated, but you can also visit the official website of the project:

http://adayontheplanet.de/