Decision Day

... was yesterday AND I made it to the therapy program because my BMI was over 15 (I had not lost any weight!!!!)!
All my therapies have now officially started.
It is hard and I feel fat and empty and all my inspiration is gone (I had so many ideas that I wanted to realize), I feel alone and am lonely and I am terrified of the "realness" of it all.

But I WANTED IT AND I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

There is no way back: as one doctor told me; 20 percent of the girls with my level of anorexia die because of one symptom of this disease (even if it is at a later stage)l
This is not funny and it is not an easy fix. It has to be done now. I will be among those 80 percent, FOR SURE. 

Blessed

They say that you find out who you`re real friends are when they stay with you, even in hard times.


Well, I am the most blessed girl in the world because I have tons of family members and REAL friends who did NOT turn their backs on me  when they heard about my issue.


I have been showered with love, encouragement, thoughts, the kindest words, prayers and even gifts and blog posts.


I have the best and most wonderful, understanding husband in the entire world. He has been at my side throughout these awful weeks and months and I feel awful doing this to him. But we both know that our marriage will get better and our bond will only grow stronger because together we can and will get through this. 


My family (especially my incredibly strong mom and my beautiful sister) encourages me in every step I take. I could have never done it without them.


A few days ago, I received a package from Belgium! Winnie sent me a CD of Christian Ingebrigsten, her favorite artist, as a way of encouragement. I was speechless when I received this gift and I am listening to the album on repeat. Winnie, this is exactly my kind of music! Awesome. Thank you so much! 


Speaking of speechless, I do not know what to say about Alison devoting a blog entry to, mostly because I haven`t been able to read through more than the first few lines. I find it so very hard to read positive, flattering things about me or to even receive compliments. I know that Alison does not take this the wrong way and I will read it eventually, step by step; but, like I said, reading that people see me in a positive light is not easy for me... But, nontheless, when I saw a new blog of Alison`s in my reader and went ahead to read it, I was touched beyond words that she would take the time to write about me again. Thank you, Alison! 

Read Alison`s fantastic blog here:

http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-312-open-one.html

not just because of the one post about me. ;) It is REALLY worth your time.

All the words of encouragement that reached me through twitter, email, facebook, letters, by phone and in person are overwhelming; especially knowing that most of you have your own very heavy burden to carry. And a special thank you for those who make me laugh. As they say, "laughter is the best medicine". 


Ich danke Euch allen von HERZEN. I would have NEVER dreamed of this issue being taken so well and of receiving so much support. I would have never dared to even think of such a thing.


I now know that, next to my family, I HAVE REAL FRIENDS; something I also had given up hope on a long time ago.  

Does your mind just BURST with creative ideas?

A few days ago, I wanted to post a tip about a super cool artist we saw on TV and I wanted to tell you about him and what he does.
While trying to write a blog post about him, I was desperately trying to come up with a replacement for the phrase:
"You`ve Got To Check This Out"; I won`t steal from PinkAcres and Christine and Kate again. no, no, no.... ;)

Could somebody of all those creative minds out there PLEASE help me to come up with an idea? I am useless when it comes to creating names and phrases.

Worth more than just a retweet!

 

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”  

~ Ethel Barrymore ~

Day One: Confusion

Today was an extremely uneventful day, except for the fact that I had to step on the scale. That was all. 

I spent my day  in my room despite the georgous weather. I don`t know if I am allowed to leave the area and go for a walk. I am quite confused because the doctor tells me one thing, the nurses tell me the opposite. Who (or is it "whom"?) do I believe?

First, they tell me that I can leave the compound as often as I want and that I should even go home on the weekend.
Then, this morning, the doctor told me that I was not even allowed to leave the compound and that I could not go home, no matter my state of mind.
The problem is that I am so shy and insecure that I just cannot ask what to do now. I am such a coward, but when I stand in front of them, I just cannot get the words out. So, I will have to wait and see.

I lost 8 pounds since I was weighed the last time and now only have a BMI of 15. My weight was 36.8 kilograms. I was shocked and still am. I NEVER, not in a million years, would have thought that I was THAT skinny and I cannot begin to imagine how little I must have weighed 3 months ago, when I stopped functioning.
If my BMI drops below 15, I will not be allowed to go home on the weekends, leave the compound or participate in physical therapy and I will, of course, have to stay much longer.

Despite knowing these facts, I am almost going crazy because I ate 3 meals today and I cannot work out. I am terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow morning. I am not sure how I will be able to deal with the shame should I gain a tiny bit of weight. I do not know how I would be able to look my doctor in the eye.

I hope the time of diagnosis will be over soon. I really need them to start my therapeutic program.

BUT I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THE VIEW. I HIT THE JACKPOT WITH MY ROOM!

My new friend

Cats always know when you need someone, when you are in pain or lonely and desperate. 

Luna knew I needed her today, so she came and stayed with me for several hours and she consoled me, gave me the feeling of not being alone. 

Despite all the prayers, thoughts, the outpouring of love coming my way, there is nothing that can replace a physical hug or someone to hold on to. Luna was the one for me today and just a few minutes ago, when I hit a low point, a little someone jumped on my bed and snuggled up next to me.
How in the world does this cute little creature know just when her presence is needed?
Cats are mysterious...

the pictures did not turn out that great because of the backlight. Maybe I will take some more tomorrow...

The Making of Bagel Tech News

Have you ever wondered how the daily Bagel Tech News are being recorded? 

If so, you have to watch this video?
And if you haven't thought about it, you still just have to do it. It is a must see.

It is REALLY happening!

I have arrived!

 

I was terrified on my way to the clinic. I hardly slept and felt ill and still do. But I am SO GLAD that this day has finally come. 

I do not know what the program will be today or in the next days, but I hope to find out more in the next few hours.

my bed and desk

and get ready for THIS: 

Mad Men

Since my mind is keeping me awake because of the beginning of my stay at the clinic tomorrow, I thought I could use this time and tell you my thoughts on the first season of Mad Men.

I have heard Jack Glatfelter (@crackpotjack) talk and rave about it for a loooooong time now and have always wanted to check it out. I started the first episodes during Christmas break, but with the trip to Africa, the eating disorder, the beginning of the new semester at my university and watching way too many other shows, it took me until last night to finish the first season. 

I have to admit that at the beginning, I did not really get it. I thought it had a really slow start. I coud not figure out what all the fuss was about. Some of the episodes seemed to me totally pointless and without a definite purpose or even plot. But - since I trust Jack's judgement and value his opinion - I kept watching and it did pay off. The finale was fantastic and now I finally feel like the writers knew what they were doing all season. This one single episode gave so many insides in the characters that the rest of the season makes a whole lot more sense now. 

I cannot wait to watch season 2 and see how the characters develop and grow. I hope we will get to know even more about their past and real motives.

Thank you for another fantastic recommendation, Jack. 

And thanks for making me watch even more TV. :P

I will try to get at least a few hours of sleep now. I still have not packed my suitcase and I have NO IDEA what to take with me...

I don't know how I feel

I am supposed to be hospitalized tomorrow morning, but I cannot get a hold of ANY doctor.
They called my husband yesterday to tell him that instead of having to wait for 2 weeks, I could start my therapy on Wednesday, but that is ALL the information I have. 


While I am glad that things are (hopefully) starting tomorrow, one day to prepare everything is just not enough; especially if you have no clue what to do. 

Everything is about to change

on Wednesday at 10am.

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING!

I am so glad this day has finally come and the weather is starting to change too. 
I cannot wait for the warmer temperatures, the blossoming of the flowers, drinking coffee and eating ice cream in sidewalk cafés, not having to wear scarves, coats and hats, as well as the change of my mood and the way I feel.
I LOVE this season. Life starts again and everything just feels right.

"Original Song"

I remember the very first time I saw the TV show Glee in St. Tropez during our vacation in September 2009 and I instantly fell with this show. I love musicals, I love music in general, I love TV, I love drama, I love sarcasm and comedy. Glee combines all of the above. So, this series is the perfect mix for me. And the first season was PHENOMENAL. 

However, there have been quite a few episodes in the 2nd half of season 2 that were a bit disappointing (apart from the ones with Gwyneth Paltrow). 

The latest episode was, in my opinion, absolutely fantastic. 

Here are a few thoughts I jotted down while watching it.

1. Rachel's song "Get it Right" totally gave me goosebumps. Great, great job!
2. Santana can sing like there is no tomorrow. She hasn't really had many opportunities to show her talent, but I am VERY impressed. I would love to see her getting more solos.
3. The song "Loser Like Me" was a PERFECT choice. I think it ties the entire show together. Kudos to the writers!
4. But why in the world do they always have to wear those ugly costumes? Is that a rule? Can't they just wear something nice and pretty or cool, just this once?

The color of the dresses? The leggings? The shoes? I mean, are they serious???

5. The Warblers are really going on my nerves. It is time to get rid of them and have Kurt join New Directions again.  

6. As much as I love the glee club's cover versions (which are sometimes even better than the original ones), I really enjoyed listening to them sing songs exclusively written for the them. I don't pay attention to spoilers, so I have no idea if this is a thing they will keep doing or if it was an exception for this episode, but I hope they can sneak in an original song every once in a while.

See you soon, little sister!

This morning, my sister set out for Yaoundé again.

She flew from Zürich, but they left at 3.30 am, so I was not able to see her anymore.

However, she called me during her layover in Paris and sounded so very happy and excited. I am thrilled for her, but will miss her like crazy.


The last time she flew, she took this unbelievable picture - just thought I'd share... - :

                                     

We will see what she experience this time. But I am sure that it will be just as big an adventure than the last 2 times she went down to Cameroon; even if she will only stay for three weeks this time.

I sure hope she will bring some "arachides" with her.  :) 

Randomness on a new level

Yesterday, I earned 139 CH in under 3 hours. This may not be much for most of you, but it is the most I have earned in such a short amount in my entire life.

PLUS, I received 39 out of 40 points (despite having had a horrible night) in this study that was similar to an IQ test. This is nothing to be proud of, but it was a nice confirmation; something positive for a change. *huge smile*

HAPPY and HAPPY and HAPPY and a lot more

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AMERICAN MOM! 

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY VERY GOOD FRIEND and nlcast co-host JOHN! 

Today is also the day that I have the medical examination at the clinic for psychotherapy. Wish me luck...




A year ago today, I was on my way from New York City to Washington to meet MAGGIEEEEEE! I cannot believe we did not take a single picture. Shame on us, Maggie...

We went to Drag Queen Bingo and I had Sweet Potato French Fries for the first time in my life. It was such a blast.




However, it was also the day that I dropped my iPhone, which gave it quite a unique look.  

Oh, the memories... 

Wrapping up my Cameroon story

My sister is leaving for Cameroon in a few days and I still haven't finished all my posts about our trip…

I won't bore you with travel details anymore, but will try to summarize the last week in one post.

Ok, let´s try this:

After our time in Kribi, we found a driver who owned a pick-up truck with which we could master the 4-hour drive through the jungle to Ebolowa (it was AMAZING!) to spend a day at La Comice, the biggest agricultural fair in Cameroon. Ebolowa was the city I liked the most. It was very modern and not too big, quite clean and not too far from the capital, but still really close to the jungle. 

On Sunday Andreas and I took the bus to Limbé and spend 4 very intense days that definitely brought us closer together.
Limbé is a small beach town in the Anglophone part of Cameroon, however I had the feeling that the Limbeans neither spoke English nor French. It was quite amusing.
We stayed at a hotel in the Botanical Gardens, enjoyed even more delicious food, walked around the various markets and spent most of our time sitting at the Atlantic Ocean letting the mind wander. I had a feeling of freedom that I hardly ever experience.
The Limbeans astonished us. We had been a bit worried about traveling alone because of the color of our skin, but we were welcomed with open arms. Unlike the people in Yaoundé, the Limbeans waved at us, smiled at us and made us feel at home. It made everything even more special.

I was a bit heartbroken when we left.

We returned to Yaoundé on our 6 months wedding anniversary, which we celebrated with Valerie and Joseph at the restaurant we went to when I was sick. 

The last day in Cameroon was filled with tears, wistfulness and the attempt to soak in as much of the African way of life as possible. Andreas and I went to mass before we headed to the airport. The parting was really, really difficult and almost nobody could hold back their tears (it was, of course, especially painful for my sweet sister).
I cannot believe how much time has passed since then. Craaaazy.

Thinking and writing about this journey now makes me want to go back again. I think I will have to find a way to fit into my sister´s luggage. lol

Spes

There is HOPE. 

It looks like our health insurance will cover the costs of a treatment at the Kilchberg clinic. It is still not 100% certain, but usually there is no problem.  Squeeee!
I have an appointment on Thursday for my medical examination and a therapy session and then I should be ready to be admitted. Squeeee again!
 

Let us hope everything goes smoothly now.

I got a call.

My doctor's secretary left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was in class. 

The news I got weren't what I was hoping for. It will take AT LEAST 4 weeks until I will be able to start my therapy. I was praying that I would not take that long. 

I really don't know how to go on for 4 more weeks; I doubt I can, not like that.

Well, I talked to the secretary of a different clinic and it looks like they could admit me next week, if everything goes smoothly. I haven't visited the clinic, but it is supposed to be a great one too. They treat not only eating disorders, but also other forms of mental sicknesses. So, they could even help me with the anxiety issues and so much more.
And they have a day hospital that would be a perfect bridge leading me back to reality after the critical part of the therapy.

Sounds great, right? Well, the thing is that this is a private clinic and I have no idea yet if our health insurance covers the costs of the program. This could turn out to be a huge problem. I hope to get all the information I need before the weekend.

I have been trying to contact one of the doctors in order to make an appointment for a physical examination, but I was always put on hold. Since I don't have any classes tomorrow and only have to study, study, study, I can try to call him nonstop. ;)

The thing is that if I was admitted to that clinic next week, I could have done major steps already by the time that the Universitätsklinik could offer me a place to stay. 

The downside is that I have enrolled myself in fascinating projects in the next weeks and I would miss all of those, whereas my schedule would be a bit less interesting in the months of late April and May. 

But these are only secondary factors. 

Alright, I have rambled on for way too long now. I need to sleep. 

Good night, everbody and (since it is already Friday here) I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY!

More than I deserve!

Today, I received a package from the US that brightened my day.
My very good friends Stephanie and Cliff from gspn.tv sent me a signed copy of Candace Cameron Bure's book "Reshaping It All". Cliff and Stephanie recently did an interview with the author for Family From the Heart, one of their many podcasts. Candace shared how she struggled with food and how she gained a healthy perspective, ultimately overcoming her disorder.
I knew that they would send me this book, because they mentioned it during the interview, but I still teared up - what else, right? ;) - when I opened the package. Having friends who care so deeply about me, is still unfathomable to me and it gives me more strenght and solace than I can express.
Cliff and Stephanie are not the only ones who pray for me, think of me, send me short notes and emails. Every single one of those messages reminds me of how blessed I am and they give me the energy to continue the path to health.
This army of friends and family cheering for me serves as a means of holding me accountable, of not letting me give up even when I feel like I am too scared or too exhausted to take the next step.

And that is truly invaluable.

I cannot wait to dive into this book. 

 THANK YOU, Stephanie and Cliff!

Here is a link to the interview:

http://gspn.tv/146-family-from-the-heart-candace-cameron-bure-interview/

Visiting the Clinic for Psychotherapy

On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.

It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn't feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there. 

There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.

However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.

All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.

I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.

Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.  

How can I 

I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.

I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.

Am I  being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)

The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased. 

I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more. 

In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer. 

Am I about to lose my identity?

So, I had the 2nd conversation with my doctor on Thursday and it turned out the way that I had guessed it. She told me that the results of my peripheral quantitative computed tomography were not good at all. I have osteoporosis. And while I already knew the diagnosis, I didn`t know how severe it really was. It still has not sunk in that I damaged my body in such a way. She told me to change my lifestyle immediately, otherwise this would not end in a good way. And time is running out.

I was introduced to the program of the clinic here in Zürich (alternatively, I could go to a clinic a bit outside of the city; we`ll see), the expectations, the rules, the types of therapies they offer etc. She could not tell me how long the waiting list is, but usually it takes about 1 to 4 weeks until one gets a spot. 

Consequently, I will stop out of university for a while and concentrate on getting healthy. I just wish I had fixed dates yet. Right now, I feel like I am on tenterhooks.
The more she said, the sicker I felt. Don`t get me wrong: I want to do this, I have to do this. But it will be hard.

I am scared that I won`t make it. I am scared of all the changes, of letting go, of not being in constant control anymore. I am terrified of gaining weight.

Being skinny is how I defined myself for most of my life. So, who will I be when I am not the skinny, sick girl anymore? Will I be anyone at all? What will I do? How will people react to me, look at me? Who will they think that I am?
Who will I think I am? What will I think of myself? I am worried about not being able to handle the change.

I don`t want to disappoint everybody who has always waited for me to be healthy and is having enormous expectations right now. What if I can`t fulfill them?

I am worried about not being ENOUGH!

Learning from a friend

I just listened to last week`s episode of Balanced Living Weekly (http://gspn.tv/057-balanced-living-weekly-cruising-chickens-parsnips-and-much-more/). Cliff Ravenscraft shares in this podcast episode some memories of his recent cruise, his weight gain and how he enjoyed every minute of it, not once feeling guilty about eating too much.

This reminded me of how I took our bathroom scale with me on vacation when I was about 10 or 11 years old. Now, who does that at this age? Isn't that just crazy? I remember what a nightmare this vaccation was for the whole family. I wasn't just ruining our trip to the South of France for myself, I was making it almost impossible for my parents or my sister to have an enjoyable, relaxing time.
I was so concerned about my weight that a regular meal was impossible and dining out was a nightmare. I remember the fights I fought with myself, the yearning for a cup of ice-cream when everybody else was enjoying one, the wish to just eat what everbody else was eating. But I couldn`t. I just could not lose control.

So, even at the age of about 10, this issue did not leave my mind for a single minute.

I am so very glad that Cliff did what he deserves to do: he took a break from his everyday life and just took it easy. After all, this is what vacation is for. This is the whole reason for going away. And once you come back home, you are refreshed and fully energized, ready to have a bit more control and discipline about every asepct of your life again.

Who cares about a few more pounds if you spent a wonderful time with your family or friends? (In fact, writing this makes me feel so stupid because it IS so very trivial..) People and realtionships are what counts in life, not your weight. I regret how many valuable hours, days and weeks I have lost because of the preoccupation with food and I pray that I will be able to make up for all of it once I am healthy.

I hope that very soon I will be able to adopt Cliff`s mindset, because he figured out what really matters in life.  

P.S. I have been a gspn.tv Plus Member since 2008 (or was 2007?) and I have enjoyed every minute of their fantastic podcasts. If you haven`t done so yet (which I doubt), you should check them out:

http://www.gspn.tv/

Today is the day

that Germany's Next Topmodel returns!!!!

just kidding... :-)

"La vie est la drogue."

Can you believe that it is already March? 
Where did February go? What have I done in this month? What happened to the first 2 months of this year? Wow.
And I still have so much more to tell you about our Cameroon trip.
So, while I am trying to wrap my mind about the fact that 1/6 of the year is already over, I will take you all the way back to January.

On our 2nd day in Kribi, we went to a Pygmie village and to the Lobé Waterfalls.

It was a very controversial trip that sparked a lot of discussion among us.
 

We boarded a pirogue and enjoyed a wonderful, quiet ride on the Lobé River. After about 30 minutes, we arrived at the Pygmies village. We walked around for a while before the chief of the tribe showed up. Our guide commented on the fact that the chief was clearly drunk with the words:
"Sa vie est la drogue." And that drug is called palm wine.

Despite drinking hard wine the way we drink water (even the babies drink nothing but wine and mother's milk) and eating hardly anything, walking 100 km a day is not unusual for the chief who is about 60 years old. However, he cannot be sure of his own age because they obviously do not have any kind of birth certificate and they do not have to go to school or any other official institutions. So, the mother determines the age of the child. They can get older than 100 years despite their self-destructive behavior and way of life. 

The chief of the tribe was much smaller than me (I'd say he was about 1.40m tall), but his children and grandchildren were already much taller. So, it is clear that this type of people won't exist much longer.

I am not certain about the morals of going to that village, walking around and watching them as if they lived in a zoo. On the boat ride back to the landing place we had a lively discussion about the morally, Christian and humanly "correct" thing to do (if such a thing even exists), and we did not come to a conclusion; quite naturally. I have to admit that my curiosity, my thirst for knowledge and my fascination for other, alien cultures won and I looked into their huts and I talked to the chief with the help of our guide who also served as a translator.

Since I was 11 years old, I have been reading many, many autobiographies about people who grew up in cultures so different from ours that it is almost impossible for us to even fathom their way of life. So, I have always been fascinated with this subject. My husband does not and did not understand my "behavior"; he could not look into their huts because it goes against his principles and he felt 'very' uncomfortable' during our time in this village. He is probably the better human being for that, I was just captivated by everything I saw.

In the end, it is up to each individual to decide what he thinks is justifiable. What are your thoughts?



The Day (and more) in pictures: