You continue to live in our hearts, Amy, and you always will!

Yesterday morning, my friend Amy passed away.
I am still at a loss for words. Everything I write just seems hollow and doesn't really express what I feel. 
I am still in shock, I guess, and the news hasn't really sunk in yet. Amy was such an amazing person; I just cannot imagine her not being here anymore. 
I tried to distract myself today by talking as much as I haven't talked in my whole life (about totally banal subjects), by starting to clean my room at 6am, by reorganizing every single drawer, by making random plans and running around doing errands; but nothing helped. Amy is always on my mind. I will miss her terribly, as will so many others. 
My husband and I talked about the outpouring of love seen on her Facebook page during the last weeks and especially days. I hope Amy was able to read everyone's comments and knew that she was loved and will be deeply missed. Please keep praying for her, her family and friends. 


I would like to encourage you to read the following blog posts, composed so much more eloquently and beautifully; every single one was written for and in memory of Amy. 


AngelSteph:
http://angelsteph.wordpress.com/2011/04/30/farewell-my-friend/#comment-126


Edith Baker:
http://spicedogs.livejournal.com/817545.html


Lea:
http://jelejada.blogspot.com/2011/04/life-death.html


AlisonL:
http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/04/update.html


Cliff Ravenscraft:
http://gspn.tv/AmyWright/

Wedding Day!

In less than 1 hour, two Colleen and Jay, friends that I have met through the TV show Lost and through the unlimited possibilities of new media, will get married. I could not be more thrilled for them. I have been thinking about their wedding for days. As I have secretly been counting the hours until their special moment, I remembered how I got to know them for the very first time: in Hawai’i.

Meeting Colleen and Jay (as well as Cindy, Jack and Cliff for that matter) in Hawai'i was one of the highlights of my life. I remember how nervous I was, my whole body was shaking. Interacting with them in person was even better than seeing the actors of Lost and the beginning of the end of the series at Sunset on the Beach. They were like my idols…

I will NEVER forget Jopinionated’s Lost meet-up. All I am saying is Mai Tais”… It was quite an amusing night. Additionally, it was the first time in my life I enjoyed a party, that I did not feel like I was bothering everybody and that I did not feel out of place. And I still cannot believe I did not chickened out because I had never met a single person who was going to attend.

Well, meeting Jay and Colleen was a dream come true.

Colleen & I in Raleigh, March 2010

Seeing them again in Raleigh later that year and then in LA for the Lost finale party was just as special and surreal.

I had been listening to their respective podcasts (the MetroBus & the Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack) for such a long time and they had become part of my close circle of friends (only in my head, of course), but then twitter came around and I could finally interact a bit with Colleen. Our friendship grew warmer over the years and even though it is super difficult to stay in teach living on two different continents, I feel like we have become close friends.

March 2010

I thank God for the opportunity of having met them and having had the privilege of spending time with them, talking to them, not being rejected by them. And I will always be grateful for the chance they have given me, a chance to realize that I am not “nothing”.

I stole Colleen's picture from Facebook..... muaaaahhhh

I remember the moment that I heard of their engagement. I just returned from a job interview in Heidelberg, Germany, and was on my way from the Atlanta airport back to Anderson, SC. I stopped to get some Diet Coke and to take a break. Of course, as is my obsession, I checked twitter and read all kinds of "suspicious" looking @replies congratulating Colleen and Jay. When I figured out they were engaged, I started to cry with tears of joy. I remember sitting in that car at the parking lot of Burger King celebrating that these two wonderful people had found each other.

Colleen, you are marrying into a family that is - no doubt - one of the warmest, most loving families ever and you are a hell of a lucky girl to have the soon-to-be parents-in-law. And Jay is not that bad either. hehe

I know that Jay cherishes you. I saw the way he looks at you, the way he talks about you.

Jay, please never forgot how lucky you are marry this awesome young lady; a woman who I have been looking up to for years. Colleen is not only breathtakingly beautiful, but smart, independent, competent, funny, thoughtful and caring.

I congratulate the two of you from the bottom of my heart.

Today begins a whole new chapter for you, as you will start your lives as one.

I know that this life will be filled with bliss and laughter and joy, as you will live happily ever after. ;)

I am sending you all my love and try to enjoy each and every single moment. I will be thinking of you!

Amy, this is for you!

I talked about coloring my hair pink for a long time, but have always chickened out.

Amy has been encouraging me to just do it because "pink is awesome" and I'd look great.

This morning, as I lay awake thinking of Amy, I thought that now is the perfect time to go ahead and just take the leap.

The result:

P.S. The pictures were taken last night, which is why one cannot really see the pink highlights. I will take better pictures in the sunlight later today!

I'm about to do something crazy...

Little Mook

My fantastic and thoughtful godmother/aunt sent me a pair of trousers she bought in Granada as a way of supporting me. 

Every time I wear them, I feel like Little Mook. All I need is the shoes and the turban... 

I love them, they look fantastic and they are the most comfortable pants ever.
Plus, they feel great on my skin and they are quite stretchable, so as I gain more weight, they will "grow" with me... 

Thank you so much, Annette! 

Positive news!

As I had mentioned, yesterday was the day that decided whether I could stay at the clinic for 4 more weeks or not. 
It had been very close, but I reached my weight goal (I gained a lot over the Easter weekend!) and am relieved to say that I can continue my treatment.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers! 

Amy - We love you

Today, I was going to write about the fact that today is the day that will decide whether I can stay at the clinic for 4 more weeks or whether I will have to leave immediately.

However, this seems so very insignificant compared to the news I have heard about my fellow gspn.tv member and long lasting friend, Amy Wright. Amy has been suffering from Ulcerative Colitis for 20 years and has been diagnosed with cancer only a short time ago. Throughout this time, I have never heard Amy complain or quarrel with her fate. Far from it! Here is what she wrote on her facebook page:

I am still speechless and in awe of Amy's courage, her optimism and her grace in dealing with this unfathomable situation. Her attitude is more than inspiring and the strength she has shown over the last few weeks is remarkable. Amy is an incredible person and I am blessed to have gotten to know her.  

She was there from the very beginning, always sending me notes of encouragement, giving me perspective, making me laugh, she always had a kind word and reached out to me numerous times.

I am having a hard time finding the right words. So, instead I would like to suggest you read the posts of two wonderful bloggers who have the special gift to always find the right way of expressing what most people are feeling; Cliff Ravenscraft and AlisonL.

http://gspn.tv/AmyWright

http://300sixtyfive.blogspot.com/2011/04/day-316-saying-goodbye-one.html
(WARNING: reading this blog will definitely make you cry, I was sobbing for a good half hour...)

I would like to ask you to please pray for Amy and her family and loved ones.

Here is a link to Amy's facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/QueenAmy83

Amy, thank you for being such a blessing! You are loved!

HAPPY EASTER MONDAY!

Today is a holiday in some countries too and I am one of the lucky ones to live in one of those countries.
I am not quite aware of the religious meaning of Easter Monday, but maybe one of you can help me out?! I`d really appreciate it!

Anyway, it is a gorgeous day and I hope I can spend some time outside with my husband. We have both been very active this morning doing all kinds of housework. 
I have been up since 6am, cannot sleep in anymore. I really don't know why. I wish I could sleep in until noon like I used to... Oh well, who am I to complain, it is a holiday after all.


For those of you who have to work; I wish you a not too stressful day and for the lucky ones: I wish you a wonderful day and hope you can relax a bit!

HAPPY EASTER!

I wish you all a Happy and Blessed Easter Sunday! 

It is time to sum up the first 4 weeks

4 weeks ago yesterday I started my fight against my eating disorder.
I cannot believe that it has already been this long. 
I have had many ups and downs, weeks that were great and weeks were I 
was hardly able to function. However, every single day I am growing stronger and I have the feeling that everything is getting a tiny bit easier the more often I face my problem aka. food. 
So much has happened, but at the same time, so little has changed.


Let us talk about the positive developments first. 
I am eating regularly for the very first time in over a decade. That means that I eat three meals a day with three snacks in between.
I have started to buy butter and whole milk for the first time in my life and have opted not to eat the fat free or light versions. 
I am learning how to cook and what is an adequate portion for me. I am being taught which different components a meal should include to be regarded healthy and balanced. 
I am getting better at interacting with other patients and I am opening up to my therapists more and more. I am even starting to ask for help and assistance when I need it without feeling like I am too much of a burden.


These are MAJOR steps for me. 4 weeks ago, I would not have dreamed of being in such a good place. I would have never imagined being able to force myself to eat so much and to not fail at it constantly. 
I am not going to lie, it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am going through hell every single day. Being confronted with your worst anxieties all day long, talking and analyzing the reasons for your disorder, trying to find clues in your past, having to deal with the feelings of losing yourself, of not knowing who you are if you aren't skinny, is like being trapped in a nightmare without having a chance of waking up. 
It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep going and to not give up. But I have such a strong support system (including all of you, without whom I could NEVER do this!)


The "not so positive" news is that I am on the verge of having to leave the clinic next Tuesday, because I am far from meeting the goal of gaining the obligatory 2,8 kg in 4 weeks. I still have 1 week to go though, but it will be incredibly hard work to actually make it. But I WILL NOT GIVE UP. 

I hope the scale will show a positive result when I step on it in a few minutes.

Wednesday are brutal

Today is going to be an exhausting day, Wednesdays always are.
I have therapies from 9.15 am to 5 pm with hardly any breaks.
My day starts with the social aptitudes group. We learn how to communicate with others, how to keep a conversation going, how to get over the fear of approaching others, how to maintain a relationship or friendship and how to deal with social gatherings that usually create panic attacks or situations where you feel not in control.
Then, at 11 am, we have our cooking class. Today, we'll do something easy: noodles, tomato sauce and tuna. But I am always stressed out during those 2 hours. I think that this is the hardest part of the therapy program; together with the psychotherapy, of course.
So, we cook together and afterwards eat together. Eating with other anorectic patients is hard. Even though I always tell myself that it is unreasonable to compare myself to them, to compare what I am eating with their portions, I inevitably observe their eating habits. It is kind of scary. I am so glad that I chose this clinic though; I don't think that only being surrounded by anorectic patients would have done me any good.
After these 2 hours, I mostly break down with tears streaming down my face because of the relief that it is over.
At 1pm the weekly get together of all the patients of our ward takes place. This is where we organize the tasks that every patient has to do, we talk about what the problems and the positive things and anything else that is on our minds. We are also educated about the different illnesses and how people deal with it. It is a great way to learn what everybody else is going through and in which areas they struggle the most.
For us anorectic girls it is then time for some exercise therapy, especially and only for us. I have only been able to attend this class once, but it was fantastic to finally be able to move my body again and to do something physical, without just blindly running on the treadmill for 2,5 hours...
Right after that I have psychotherapy, which is unfathomably hard. So many awful things of my childhood are surfacing again, events that I had not remembered for a very, very long time. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through these years, how I can still be here...
Next on the schedule is the body image group. I love group therapies. This one is especially helpful. We are challenged to look beyond what we have always believed in and start to see what is REAL.
After those 1.5 hours, I can finally relax for 45 minutes until I have dinner accompanied by a team member. I don't like this too much. We sit in a room, just the two of us and I always feel uncomfortable. The conversations are usually slow and I am always happy when it is over.

Well, that is my day. I am exhausted just by writing it down...
Need to go now. I will see you on the other side!

Priorities

When I came here 4 weeks ago, I had all kinds of plans and thought I would have all the time in the world to catch up on books, movies, TV shows (like Mad Men, Fringe, The West Wing), blogs, learn Dreamweaver, Illustrator, Flash and Photoshop, write letters, FINALLY start and finish my own website etc.
Well, I was brought back down to earth immediately.

I have had to lower my expectations to slightly above NONE.
I am too exhausted between therapy sessions to do much work and I feel too empty to be inspired and do create work.

So, what ARE my priorities or rather, what do I want them to be?

Do I want to read or watch TV or create my website or watch movies or listen to podcasts or write new blog posts?

Lately, I have been feeling more and more pressure because I could not keep up with all the shows I wanted to watch, the podcasts I would like to listen to. But what will happen if I don't watch Fringe until much later or let my list of podcasts go up to 200 and then delete half of it? The answer: nothing! Nothing will happen.

I am supposed to ENJOY my shows and podcasts and not see them as a duty.

At first, I could not even concentrate enough to read a book or watch a TV show or movies; all I did for days was s sit and look out the window (thank goodness for the view!!!!); everything felt too much and I was just overwhelmed.
Now, however, I have gained back to luxury of being able to concentrate enough to devour books and watch 2-hour long movies. YAY for that! I am literally grabbing on to my books after every single meal. They serve as the perfect distraction. I can escape into a different world and just leave the feelings and thoughts. that are so hard to bear, behind.
Being able to enjoy books again is the first positive aspect of being in therapy and I am beyond delighted about it.

As for being creative; that is not really possible yet. I hardly find the words to write in my journal nor do I have the creative outbursts I used to have to create all kinds of awesome illustrations and graphics. But I am sure that, if I am patient, this too will come back.

I just have to be patient... If only it wasn't that hard. ;)

I am still here!

I am so sorry for not posting, but I haven't been doing too well.

I have a full day of therapies ahead of me, but I will try to find some time to tell you what has been happening in the last couple of weeks. 

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still here and I am fighting and won't stop until I have reached my goal. 

Love you all so much and thank you for all your support! 

Looking forward to tomorrow

Today started out so great and then, after meeting my husband at the lake this morning, it came to a screeching halt.
I did not have any therapies today; well, no; let me put that right: I would have had one group therapy session, but I missed it. I don't know how and why, I am still kind of confused about it. I was so mad at myself because I had prepared tons of questions and topics I would have wanted to talk about. Oh well... I can't change it now.
I function a whole lot better when my day is structured. I am so much more focused and creative knowing I only have a limited amount of time.
Even though I was bored out of my mind this afternoon, I lacked any kind of motivation to start one of my many projects.
I watched the Grey's Anatomy musical episode and then started to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but stopped after a few minutes because I could not concentrate on the movie. After a few restless hours on the computer, I read a whole book about a woman who suffered from bulimia. My counselor gave it to me after lunch today and I just could not put it down.
Still, I am glad this day is almost over and hope to be able to get some sleep.
Tomorrow, I will be allowed to work out for the first time in 2 weeks! I am super excited. It will only be a light workout, but I am growing uneasy and any kind of exercise is fantastic.
Other than that, I have a meeting with all my doctors and therapists (scary!!!), body image therapy and cooking classes.

What a difference a day makes!

This is what the world looked like yesterday:

 And THIS is what it looks like this morning: 

Can you guess what my mood is like today? 

Weight Gain

I gained 2 kilos in 6 days and EVERYBODY is ECSTATIC about it, but me.  

I just want to hide under my blanket and ball my eyes out.

If I gain that much in such a short amount of time, still eating maybe half of what a "normal" eating person consumes, how much will I gain when I am actually able to eat a rather normal portion?
This is going way too fast! How is my psyche supposed to keep up with that? I haven't even started on working on a single one of my issues.
This is just going way too fast. 

Will I ever find a place of employment?

I received a message a few days ago telling me that because of the way I chose to share my story and my struggle with anorexia, I would never be able to find a job, that no employer would even consider my application.

I received this message on the day that my therapy started and I had a mental breakdown. I chose to tell my story and to be honest because I am sick and tired of hiding and of pretending to be someone that I am not.

But still, it was a shock to hear this at this point (seriously, could this someone have been even more inconsiderate?) and after crying my eyes out, I got super angry. Am I supposed to go to university thinking that I won't be able to get a job anyway, that society thinks of me as not worthy of having a chance in life? Is it not commendable that people, who decide to be treated for whatever disease they have, want to get healthy and are willing to go through hell to find their way back to life?

Is it really the case that people who choose to be treated for a mental disease are viewed as some kind of "trash", that it is not worth "the risk" of employing them?

If that is the way it is, then what perspective do we have? What kind of world do we live in? 

Time Machine!

... okay, so I do have more to say - for now. ;)

My husband and I spent this beautiful day, that felt almost like the first day of summer, in our very own time machine [won't tell you where it's at though... hehe]!

We were able to forget about our worries for a few hours and just spent some much needed quality time with each other. It felt so good to just BE. I was so excited to finally wear a dress outside again without being cold. Ahhhh, I LOVE spring! 

And I finally got a shot of the mountains (the view is not as great as it is from the garden of my clinic, but it is still incredible). 

Update after 1 week at the clinic.