Trip to Kribi

Valerie buying our tickets.

Le Centre de Voyage.

On Tuesday morning, it was time to set off on our excursion ot Kribi.
After we arrived at the bus station at about 7.30 am, we waited in the bus until it was full – 5 people had to sit  in every single row, no matter how tall or how big they were; this lead to some VERY funny scenarios (I wish I could have taken pictures, but I did not want to be disrespectful).

Waiting for 2 hours would have been fine, had there not been vomit on my seat. But, I survived… The ride was actually quite good and the road was not bad at all.

Our bus.

The cute thing is that there is only one road leading out of Yaoundé and after 2 hours, there is a traffic circle with one exit to Douala (the commercial center of Cameroon) and another one to Kribi. It was fascinating to drive through the rainforest with vegetation that is so different than what we see it every day. The bus stopped a few times in order to give street vendors a chance to sell “arachides” (the best peanuts I have ever eaten), manioc, bananas, banana chips, melons, water, soda, but also toilet paper, books, bibles or handkerchiefs.

It only took us about 3 hours, instead of the 4 that Valerie had told us, until we arrived in a still untouched beautiful, little fishing village.

However, this will change soon as the government decided to build a huge port in Kribi at one of the most beautiful, heavenly beaches I have ever seen. Chinese companies are already building new roads and I am sure that it will not take long until this little piece of paradise is destroyed. 

The taxi driver that had taken Valerie and Joseph all over town the first time they had been to Kribi recognized Valerie right away and was smiling like a child when he saw her, knowing that he would make a lot of money in the next few days… 

Our beach.

Our hotel was cute, clean and right at the beach. I instantly fell in love with this it and could have stayed there forever just feeling the breeze of the ocean on my skin and listening to the sound of the waves.  There is something about sea air that makes me feel alive and fresh and able to think clear; I always feel 100 % better when I am staying close to the ocean.

But I digress… 

Marina de Kribi

We had dinner in a wonderful restaurant at the marina and were able to take a very romantic walk on the beach until sunset.

It was the perfect start to 3 awesome days on the beach.

Full Moon in Kribi.

The day in pictures:

A random anecdote:
There were a few children playing at the beach who, upon seeing us, wanted to touch “les blancs”. Joseph told Valerie never to let them touch her because nobody could know whether they were really only children or demons hidden in the bodies of children.
This statement surprised us a bit.

Even though Joseph is Catholic, reads the bible every day and goes to Church at least once a week, the traditional set of beliefs of the Cameroonian nature religions is still omnipresent in his everyday life.

Third time is a charm

Okay, let us try this post again...

Last Thursday was my first therapy session at the Universitätsklinik Zürich and it didn’t go as I expected.

It took me such a long time to write this post because I had to come to terms and deal with everything that the doctor said.

I had the feeling that the doctor was very competent and I felt quite comfortable. She asked me what felt like thousands of questions and at the end she suggested a treatment as an inpatient because of the period of time that I have been sick. Just by seeing me this once, she could tell that I was in a very poor state of health and she told me that, if I didn’t get healthy soon, the consequences would be grave.
There was not enough time for talking about the details and/or possible alternatives and the unfortunate thing is that she is not here this week, so my next appointment is still a week away. This might not seem long to you, but for me, it feels like an eternity in hell.

I was extremely disappointed after this session because it was clear to me that I would have to start all over again, searching for a therapist, waiting for an appointment, delaying the much needed treatment again.
I have been in a state of limbo ever since. Going to a clinic is my worst nightmare. I just started university, how could I possibly put my life on hold AGAIN? If I decided to take some time to go to this clinic, I would not earn my bachelor’s degree until I was at least 28 years old; an embarrassing and impossible thought.

However, my doctor is right.

During my therapy session, I had to step on the scale despite my vehement protest. The doctor wanted to see how critical my state really is. Since I was my weight, this number is going through my head like a live ticker 24/7. Tick tack tick tack tick tack Sick.
Today is the third day of the new semester and I am sad to admit that I have started the same behavioral pattern as last semester. The anxiety is back, the fear of having to make a decision about my calorie intake, the pressure to go workout despite feeling ill and weak and the inability to concentrate on the lecture. It is all back.

Furthermore, I collapsed yesterday afternoon for the third time in the last few months. First, it happened at the Apple Store, then once on campus and yesterday at home. I am lucky that nothing serious happened. However, three times is ENOUGH.

I am at the end of my tether, my body is exhausted and my mind cannot take it anymore. What is even more important is the fact that my family cannot deal with it anymore either. They are helpless and cannot bear to see me like this anymore and they just can’t and won’t listen to my craziness one more day.

As unbearable the thought is that my sister, who is 3 years younger, will graduate long before I will, I will have to accept it. In the physical and mental state that I am in right now, I would never be able to make it through this semester.
I cannot wait any longer.
So, praying that they have a spot for me soon, I will almost certainly have myself admitted to a clinic.

OMG! Crystal Renn expresses exactly what I feel.

I cannot stop crying because she is putting everything I have everfelt and thought into words.

MENTAL TORTURE! It really IS nothing but MENTAL TORTURE. 24/7.

Do I have HOPE too?

New beginning

Today is the first day of the new semester and it feels weird to be back in my university.
I have been lethargic all day yesterday, crying all night and was in a really bad mood this morning. I am a routine kind of girl. I like routine, I thrive on routine and it is always hard for me to adapt to change; however little it is.
I stayed in my pyjamas all day yesterday thinking about everything that happened in the last 2 months. It feels like an eternity. All the changes inside and outside, the travelling, celebrating Christmas, New Year`s, fighting with my body and mind, the creative wave I have been riding on, spending all this wonderful time with my husband, having soooo many ups and downs in my personal development; how can all of that fit into such a short amount of time?
And yet at the same time, I wanted to do so much more. I had planned on working and experimenting with Photoshop, Dreamweaver, InDesign etc., wanted to create a new wordpress website or even design my own website, clean my computer and organize my pictures. Oh well, I am human and can`t do it all.

Even though this semester just began, it migh be a short one for me. More about that in a later post.  

Haricots verts

While I am working on a blog post about my conversation with a therapist and the decisions that I am faced with now, I present to you a some lines about the most delicious food. 

Ahhhh, the irony...

Everybody who knows me, knows how much I love green beans; especially when my mom prepares them. In my opinion, she makes the best green beans in the world.
Well, that is what I thought before visiting Cameroon.
The beans there taste so incredibly delicious that I think I could go through my whole life without eating anything else.
You can taste that they are fresh, not processed, not imported, not chemically altered etc. I believe I ate them every night.*
We took a huge bag of fresh green beans home with us and ate them on the weekend. Yummy yum yum.

The same applies to most vegetables, fruit (as I have heard; even my husband, who never eats fruit, couldn't get enough of it during our vacation), meat and, of course, fish. Everything just tastes a whole lot richer and much more intense. 

What?! No, I am NOT eating an ananas!

But the beans, oh the beans were soooooooo good. 

Here are some impressions of the delicious food we enjoyed during our vacation:

*I tried my very best to NOT have a bad conscience while eating, but I wasn't successful. However, it was easier to eat than usually.

... we have to live with the consequences of our choices!

... and make the best of it.

Well, Andreas and I ate so much of that meat prepared with Cameroonian spices that we were sick on Sunday and Monday. Especially I was the one who felt as sick as never before. I will spare you the details; let's just say that it wasn't pretty... Every time I caught my reflection, I startled: I totally looked like a drug addict or a living dead with huge black rings under my eyes. 

However, since we expected to get sick at some point, we were prepared. Also, the fact that my mom is a pharmacist helped with our first-aid kit. :)
We talked to Joseph’s mother and sisters and they told us that even locals would get sick from these special kinds of spices. The only thing that was a tiny bit unnerving was the fact that we still did not have any water at home. So, we decided to go up to Mont Fébé and spend the day at the pool there. It wasn’t ideal, but we could at least use the restroom…

It was an especially beautiful day, but I don’t think that I even noticed the wonderful view of Yaoundé on that day.

At the end of the day I felt so sick that I had no scruples anymore. When I saw that there were couches in the very fancy restaurant we went to, I decided to change the table and lay down while the other three were enjoying their delicious dinner. By the time we got home, I couldn’t even walk on my own anymore. I was so very lucky that we had to postpone our trip to Kribi for 2 days; I would have never been able to travel for 4 hours as we had planned.

On Monday we felt a bit better and we had water again, so we could take a shower! YES!!!!! :D

Since Joseph had to go to a meeting, which could take an hour or 5 (time is irrelevant in Cameroon), Valerie, Andreas and I took it easy. We had breakfast and then strolled around a beautiful garden in the center of Yaoundé, “Le Jardin d’Amour”, where all the young couples spend their time.

It is still very uncommon for lovers to show affection in public, kissing is basically a no go and holding hands is also seen as reprehensible. Being gay is still considered a punishable offense. So, one has to be careful walking around kissing or holding hands. A lesson, Andreas and I had to learn the hard way. But you have to respect the customs and points of view of the country and just adapt in order to not offend the locals. 

The rest of the day was rather quiet except for the fact that I had a fit of laughter while standing under the shower soaped from head to toe and the turned off the water – again. Supposedly for 5 minutes, BUT this being Cameroon, I decided to use mineral water instead in order to not catch a cold and it was the right decision as it took them about 50 minutes… The best thing about it was that the family knew that I was taking a shower and they still went ahead and turned the water off, instead of waiting 3 more minutes until I was done. I thought it was hilarious. We could learn something from their serenity.

The day in pictures:

Cameroon Continued... Day 2.

The second day of our trip was one of the most eventful.

After breakfast we went to the market close to the Muslim quarter of Yaoundé to buy some fabric for the Christmas gifts that Valerie and Joseph had promised us: a shirt for Andreas and a dress for me.

This market was UNBELIEVABLE. I don’t think I have ever seen so many, many people and cars in between, such chaos, so many colors, so many different smells and so much noise.

We did not take the camera with us, so I don’t have any pictures of this market (it would have been too dangerous because of thieves), but I found one on the internet; just to give you an impression. 

Armand, our driver, did the miraculous and found us a parking spot (I have never seen a person back into a parking space more skillfully!!!) and so we went on our quest for some fabric. Again, it wasn’t easy to enjoy what we were seeing because of the slight harassment. I have never seen so many beautiful kinds of fabric. They have patterns that are totally different than those that we are used to. We had decided before that it was best to buy the same fabric for Andreas and I and, even though, the variety was enormous, we decided on the same fabric within just a few minutes. Valerie was amazed and could not

Joseph and Armand.

believe it. We are true soul mates. Hehe Andreas also found a highly qualitative fabric for a suit.

After that, I also got some sandals that would fit the dress and then we went on.

We were amused to see that while we had been gone, our car had been used as a stand for sponges; but since we needed them anyway, it was quite convenient. LOL

I still have that sponge and use it to train my broken thumb… 
 
After that, we went to the Muslim quarter and bought all kinds of meat with special spices. It was fascinating to see how they cooked and prepared the meat right in front of our eyes. Thank goodness that we are no vegetarians, but Valerie felt a bit queasy because of the smell and the blood.

Buying lunch.

Trying typical Cameroonian food.

We spent a long, long time sitting in a bar on a balcony eating the meat we had just bought; I have to stress again that I tasted things that I had always refused to try and it tasted so very good.  




Andreas and I like it hot (*cough cough*) and so we had to live with the consequences of this fondness on the next day… But more about that later.

At the tailor.

Armand drove us around town for a while (he and Andreas got along perfectly without speaking each other’s languages; it was so cute!) and I think we saw almost the entire city. We stopped at the tailor to get measured and to order our cloths. The tailor was super nice and kind and we were both thrilled and already anxious to see the finished products… Yes, we are both quite impatient. 

Then the day took a slight turn to the sad side. This is an anecdote that I would like to share, just to show you how much of a difference between white and black there still is. It was such an honor for Armand, the chauffeur, to drive us around on that day that he insisted on introducing us to his family. His wife had just moved out and he wanted to ask her to come back home with their children.  Can you believe that he thought he would have a better chance of convincing her, just because there were 3 white people with him? I am still shocked about this worldview and, I may be very, very naïve, but I had no idea that people still thought that way. I had no idea that it was such an HONOR to be surrounded by “les blancs”.  This had me thinking for many days and I still cannot grasp it.

This impression was reinforced later that evening when we went to a restaurant called Café de Yaoundé, where we sat in a beautiful garden surrounded almost exclusively by whites…

Impressions of the day*:

 

Don’t look at the pictures if you do not want to see dead animals!

Winnie

Last week, my sister and I met up with my good friend Winnie in Cologne.

Winnie had a break between semesters and had asked me a long time ago if I wanted to have a girl's trip for a few days. When Valerie had to come back home from Cameroon a month earlier, we decided to taker her with us.

Unfortunately, it was very cold during the 3 days in Cologne and on the last day, it was pouring with rain. So, we spent most of our time in cafés, restaurants and at Starbucks (*grin*) chatting about everything you could possibly think of. I was very happy to see that Valerie and Winnie got along really well right away. 

Winnie is from Belgium and I got to know her through gspn.tv a long, long time ago. We were among the first members of the wonderful community Stephanie and Cliff created through their podcasts.

Being the same age, having the same interests and very similar fears, thoughts and goals in life, I felt a deep connection to Winnie from the very beginning and our friendship has grown consistently over the last few year using social media networks like twitter and facebook. 

Naturally, we also did some sightseeing (the Kölner Dom is a must-see, incredibly impressive; I have seen it so many times, but it never gets old!); we went to the Chocolate Museum  (there is such a strong, delicious, yummy chocolate aroma in the whole factory that it almost drives you crazy. Hmmmm), walked around the town for hours braving the cold and on the last day, Winnie and I went to the Roman Museum while Valerie was looking at art in the Ludwig Museum. There was not a single dull moment as we were laughing and talking ALL the time.

This just goes to show you that relationships that you form over the internet ARE real, sincere and true; they aren’t superficial or imaginary as most people still claim. Winnie is a much better friend than some people I have known all my life. She has been a source of inspiration and encouragement and I could not imagine not having her in my life anymore. I really hope that we will find a way to meet again very soon; preferably in Belgium (I have never beeen there...).

Some impressions of our time together:

Interesting fact:

Ironically, it took the premiere of the last season of LOST for the two of us to meet for the very first time – in KENTUCKY. What a funny little world we live in...

Breakfast at Cracker Barrel with the gspn.tv community
in February 2010

Home Improvement

Last Sunday, my husband added the final touches (well, at least for now; I still have some ideas LOL) to what I can now call "our" apartment.

When I moved in here, Andreas lived in a typical bachelor flat. It was VERY stylish, he hardly had any furniture (most of his stuff was standing on the floor) and no storage room whatsoever.
He did not even have lights, which was not a huge problem during the summer months, but when fall and winter came around, this had to change. While Andreas always claimed that he really disliked direct light and just didn't need it at all, I cannot live in darkness; especially because of my tendency to depression.
In the beginning, everything I had was a single drawer in Andreas' huge closet. Most of my stuff was stored under the coach or the bed. As time went by and as I started to really get settled in Zürich, I could not take it anymore. I did not feel at home at all.
In October we finally went to Ikea and bought some furniture: a desk, several closets, cabinets, a sideboard for the TV, shelves and LAMPS. We spent almost 7 hours in the Ikea store and it was not easy to find a compromise, but in the end, we were both happy.
We were making progress...
It took a while before we had another free weekend to set up the furniture and we had tons of fun. We both felt a rush thinking about the fact that we were creating OUR first home.
Again, we had long discussions about the best way to arrange everything and it turned out just right.

I cannot put into words what a huge difference it made for me to have something in the apartment that Andreas and I had chosen as a couple. It felt like "our" apartment for the very first time (and I had not even realized that I had been missing something for all those months). Andreas was very skeptical at first, but he absolutely loves it now. There is nothing better than having created something together, even if you have to make compromises and even if you don`t get exactly what you thought you had wanted. The result is so much better for your soul when you cooperate; "our" feels so much better than "mine". :)

Well, Christmas came around, then New Year's, then Cameroon and now Andreas finally had the time and nerves to put up the lamps and look how awesome they are:

Let there be light... and it only took 8 months…

(We have more, but I did not take any pictures of them yet.)
I could scream with pleasure when I press the light switch and something actually HAPPENS. hehe
I liked the apartment from the very first moment, but NOW I feel like I am at home here. 

The evolution of our home:

P.S. Andreas cannot live without light anymore either. He gets crazy when it is too dark now. WHAT a change. Love seems to really change everything. ;)

Shame

I am sitting on a train to German (once again) and I am sobbing.
My jeans is as tight as never before and I cannot describe the physical pain I feel from that realization.
At the same time, my husband is getting thinner and thinner every single day and this is putting an IMMEASURABLE pressure on myself.
It is crazy and I cannot wait for Thursday to finally have an appointment with a psychologist.
I am so ashamed. The shame I feel is overwhelming. The shame of having gained weight. The shame of gaining weight while my husband is losing weight.
What will people think? How will they judge me? What will they think when they see me the next time?
I am so ashamed. 
Thursday cannot come soon enough.

Welcome to the World of Adults?!

Do you ever feel like you will never catch up?

 Because this is the feeling that I have been having for months now.

There is so much to do.

I have emails in my inbox date December 2010...

I have stuff on my to do list that should have been done long before Christmas.

I have started 13 different blog posts and haven’t finished a single one.

And every time you think you can finally start catch up, something else comes up.

I have about eight applications I wanted to write since the day we got back from Cameroon, and haven’t done a single one.

I have wanted to create my own website since last November and haven’t gotten very far AT ALL.

I guess that this just means that I have arrived in the world of adulthood, doesn’t it?

And I am not very well adjusted yet...

So, to everybody out there, who is always caught up and who manages not to feel stressed out ALL THE TIME, I applaud you. 

Gummibären

... and THEN (maybe 15 minutes after I wrote this http://intercontinentallife.blogspot.com/2011/02/trapped_08.html), I experienced the following:

Andreas & Gabrielle

Gabrielle (the cute baby girl of on of Joseph's sisters) had been scared of Andreas from the very first moment she saw him. She screamed as loud as she possibly could every time he came near her (I am not sure if she had ever seen a white man before).

But when Andreas gave her a few Gummibears we had brought with us for the kids, she was at first skeptical, looked at her mom and did not rely know what to do. After a few moments she took one and ate it and from that moment on, Andreas and Gabrielle were practically inseparable for the next two weeks.

Food, healthy or not, unites people. It can break barriers, its language is universal. When I think back over the last 2 weeks, I notice that we had the most wonderful conversations during breakfast, lunch or dinner. I just wish my mind would not have wandered back to this dark, dark place all the time.

I will never forget this moment; the moment when Gabrielle started to trust and like Andreas -
just because of a handful of Gummibears...

As time went on my mind started to relax a bit. The thoughts were still omnipresent, but the voices weren't as loud as they were and are in Europe.

The reason for this is quite certainly the fact that I was not surrounded by this evil, harmful and sick media world that is almost unavoidable in the western world. Women care about the way they look like in Cameroon too, but the pressure is not even slightly as extreme as it is here.

The other reason is that my mind had just too many other impressions to process to dictate and direct my thoughts into the "anorexia" direction.

P.S. I was told a few times that women whose husbands do not have a "big belly" are viewed as bad wives.

Trapped.

I had totally forgotten about this blog post I wrote on the 1st evening in Yaoundé.

I wrote it after watching "The Black Swan" while we were relaxing for a couple of hours and will just post it now - more than 3 weeks after I wrote it... But it doesn't matter since the feelings and the anxiety is still omnipresent.

Here it is:

I feel trapped; trapped in this body that just keeps getting bigger and bigger, despite all my efforts.

Trapped with this mindset that makes me think I am constantly, second by second, gaining weight.

Trapped with this brain that does not ever allow me to enjoy anything, anything at all.

Trapped in a situation that seems impossible. No matter which way I will choose, I will not be able to enjoy anything.

If I choose to gain weight, I will feel ugly; will not be able to look at myself anymore, will despise myself, will not enjoy a moment of this vacation.

If I choose to not eat, I will not enjoy a single time at a restaurant or café; although, I know I won't enjoy it either if I decide to do what everybody else does. My mind ever stops worrying, never stops being guilty, never stops making me feel despicable. Not one single moment. It never relaxes.

My husband came in while I was eating a bag of candy feeling horrible with every single piece I ate and despising myself for eating it but not being able to stop. He entered the room and told me that I was standing there entranced enjoying what I ate. Oh no, I was not enjoying a single bite, not at all. It was the complete and entire opposite. But I could not stop.

I should be excited about this unimaginable adventure that we are embarking on, but ALL I can think about is my body and my weight.

I hate it. I am trapped and I can't get OOOOOOUT.

P.S. Since I wrote this blog post, I have gained 4.5 kilos, which was necessary for my health and (which my gynecologist told me in round terms last week) for survival. However, the time frame was too short for my mind to be able to cope with it.

Cameroon continued.

During our time in Cameroon, we stayed in the Centre and the South of the country. Our journey started -as I have written before- in Yaoundé, then we went on to Kribi (a beautiful little city at the Gulf of Guinea), we drove through the rainforest to Ebolowa and finally traveled to Limbé (a coastal city near Mount Cameroon).

We spent the first 4 days in Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital, going to different markets, getting to know the way of life of the Cameroonians, eating traditional food, getting sick (we knew it would happen and were prepared...), spending a day at a pool on top of one of Yaoundé’s seven hills and strolling around the “Jardin d’Amoure.”

Joseph showed us his hometown, taking us to all kinds of wonderful and very, very interesting places. You usually take a taxi to go from one place to another, but on our 2nd day we had the luxury of having a chauffeur, Armand, who drove us around all day long.

After a good night’s sleep, our first “African” shower with ice-cold water (my tip for your next Africa trip: you should not leave your towel, your clothes or anything else that you don’t want to get soaking wet in the bathroom; due to the extraordinary African craftsmanship, the entire bathroom will be cleaned while you are showering.) and a few cups of delicious coffee, Valerie, Joseph, Andreas and I sallied out to spend the day in the city.

What impressed me the most on the first day were the colors. You hardly see dark fabrics; almost everybody is wearing beautifully cut dresses with incredible, colorful prints. I found it wonderful and charming to see the way the Cameroonians combined traditional and modern cloths.

It wasn’t easy to enjoy strolling around the markets because of the crowds and the vendors trying to get “les blancs” to come to their market stands. However, the flavors, colors and the variety of the produce were so impressive, extraordinary and so unfamiliar that it was almost too much to take in all at once.

After a few hours we had enough of the crowds and went up to Mont Fébé, one of the 7 hills that Yaoundé was built on, and enjoyed the beautiful view of the city. Leaving all the craziness and business of the markets behind, we used this time to have a cup of coffee, talk and get to know each other a bit more.

our view from Mont Fébé

The day ended very harmoniously with another delicious meal that Joseph’s sisters prepared for us. Again, the taste of the fish and crabs and even the potatoes was totally different and unfamiliar. Andreas and I LOVED it.

At some point during the afternoon hours, the water was turned off and we were left without this luxury for the next 3 days...

Before going to bed, Andreas and I had to chase a nasty mouse that I discovered on our mosquito net around the room, trying not to giggle too loud in order to not wake the family... We ended up spraying it with a spray we had bought against cockroache

Andreas and Joseph; or as Andreas put it: "2 cool guys"...

2 months...

It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17^th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…